My Girl Likes to Party All the Time

• Today J asked me if I wanted him to wrap empty boxes so that it would feel as if we were exchanging gifts. When I said no, he said he'd be willing to wrap clothes from my closet. His theory being that it would still be a surprise when I opened the box. I love that silly boy.
• I bought some bathing suits for my secret Santa, and OH. My. Word. They are teeny, tiny. The rep. at Victoria's Secret said that a smedium was equivalent to a size 10-12, and since my secret Santa is an 8 at her heaviest, I ordered a small bikini bottom. Bad, bad decision. Why did I listen to her? We all have big butts! It looks like it's from the children's department. So sad-face. But I'm wrapping it up with the order form, and she can return it because the last thing I want to do is start all over.
• Today, my grandmother, who has been sick and often threatens to die and refuses to eat (she literally spits out her food), told my grandfather that she wanted to live long enough to see my baby born. It really made me smile. Until she started praying about how happy we would all be when my cousin C got pregnant. Did I mention she sometimes forgets things? Like that it's me that needs the baby, and it's C that would like to get married?
• Yesterday I made a wreath (with these two hands!) by myself! I was in a zone when I made it because I totally do not have the patience for that Martha Stewart crap. But it came out really pretty, and it was completely free! It's hanging in my beautiful house.
• My house looks amazing. I have a real tree, and I have a fake tree, and I have wreaths, and I have stars, and there are lights everywhere, and -oh, I just wish it could look like this all the time!
• I'm still worried about my life, but I'm doing pretty well day by day. And that is making me happy. :)

Everything Is Temporary, Anyway....

Last month, I stopped taking my crazy pills, and the results were muchos no bueno. Like any crazy person, I had been feeling better (and I didn't want to go back to my devil doctor) so I decided to stop taking my pills.

Bad, bad life decision.

I felt completely untethered and irrational. My emotions were all over the place. Happy, sad. Highs, lows. And absolutely nothing in between. My moods were, to quote Forest, "like a box of chocolates". You never knew what you were going to get. That compounded with my baby hysteria resulted in a maltov cocktail of insanity that was brutal. Bru. Tal. I hadn't told anyone that I had stopped taking my meds, and when my mom and J found out, the pieces of the puzzle came together, and they were, what I like to call, not so happy.

I've been back on them for the last two weeks, and I feel better already. This month has been stressful, our finances are tight, and duh, it's Christmas. J and I won't be exchanging gifts because we're poor, and we've just managed to buy everyone else a present, thanks partly to Macy's and Victoria's Secret, and sometimes things seem a little Charlie Brown.

But, everything is temporary.

Here's to keeping calm and carrying on.

Muchos Kissos,
Smart Cookie

It's Like 10,000 Spoons, When All You Need is a Knife

My weekend was pretty much a crapfest of crying huge, wet, salty tears and consoling myself with high calorie fatty foods that have added considerably to my breasts and my (now) bubble butt, and unfortunately to my belly, making Mr. Pudge, MR. PUDGE.

But for some sunshine on this cloudy day:

1. My last day of school before Christmas break is Friday, December 18th. Off for two WHOLE weeks!
2. I have the week of Christmas off at my night job -AND I STILL GET PAID!
3. I wanted these shoes, and I actually went to buy them at Macy's this weekend. Apparently, Christmas shopping for others means I have to buy something for myself on each trip. Anyhoodle, I had a 25% off Friends and Family coupon, but Macy's had sold out. I contemplated driving to another mall, but I figured it was not meant to be. Until. Until I got a Steve Madden email for 30% off PLUS FREE SHIPPING! It was a sign, I tell you. I'll be getting this babies this week.
4. My husband, who loves me and has suffered my ridiculous mood swings (I'm all about the valley or the mountain, no stable plains for me), not only put all the Christmas lights outside, but also put the lights on the tree.
5. My FF (Favorite Friend) called to check up on me, and what can I say? I'm so happy that we're friends.

That's it for now. The goal is to work on staying in the present and letting the future worry about itself. We'll see how that goes.

When you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you...

Baby shower blues.

Because lately, deep, deep, deep down, I've been feeling like it's not going to happen for me. I'm going to be 34 in five weeks. I've been married for nine years. I am way behind.

And today especially, I don't think that I am going to win this race. :(

Because I'm an Idiot, the Cliff's Notes Version

I have not been blogging regulary because my phone line has been "down". And by "down" I mean "disconnected," which I only found out today (after three months of not having either a landline or the internet) because I want J to start looking for a new job. STAT.

Deep sigh.

On a positive note, I'm calling tomorrow (that division of customer service was closed at 9 P.M.), and getting it all taken care of.

Seriously. Sometimes I amaze myself. And not in the good way.

But to be fair, I've been suffering from the H1NI of the emotional variety and any posts between then and now would've have gone something like this, blah, blah, blah, hate my life, blah, blah, blah, want a baby, blah, blah, blah, I'm so fat, blah, blah, blah, miserable, blah, blah, blah.

At least now that I'm feeling a little better, you'll get the misery with a dash of humor. Can we say, me likey?

To make you giggle until then, here's a little fact about myself. Sometimes, when I can't find a rubberband or a clip to put my hair up, I go to my panty drawer and use one of my thongs. Just around the house, mind you. Not in public or anything.

It'll be like I never left.

What Hurts the Most....

is getting so close. And other rambity rambles from the recesses of my mind.

1. I've been getting my period for the past twenty-two years like clockwork. In fact, I got my period like a Tampax commercial at a pool party when I was eleven. And very rarely have I ever been late. Ever. Except of course for this past weekend, where I had the heartbreaking misfortune of thinking that I might maybe have been pregnant. And of course, I wasn't. And really, ever since the doctor told me last fall that my chances of getting pregnant were pretty much negligible unless we were counting miracles, I never let myself get too upset. But thinking that I might have been pregnant and realizing that I wasn't, broke me. Broke. Me. I don't think I've cried so hard in years. Because it wasn't the fact that I got my period. It was that I had let myself entertain the hope that maybe I would have a baby and all the good things that would come with it. Cue the violins. No, seriously. Cue the violins. It was bad.
2. Which was made worse (way worse) when I facebooked an old flame and saw a picture of him with his baby (which I did purposely because I accidentally found out he had a baby and I wanted to see if he changed his profile pic). Hello, old flame holding your deliciously adorable baby in a dragon costume. Hello, smart cookie, welcome to your ninth circle.
3. This weekend I ate as if I were going to go into hibernation. Most of it was sadness. And let me tell you, it was brutal. I've been eating relatively well, but when I weighed myself today, I weighed even MORE than my fattest self TWO WEEKS AGO.
4. I have all of Thanksgiving week off! Only nine more workdays -8.5 if you count the fact that next Friday is a half-day. I can't wait. I plan to clean my house and organize my closet, which looks like a mild episode of Hoarders.
5. And the shopping. Oh. My. Word. I need to reign it in. I need to put everything away and assess. I don't even know if I fit in to stuff I bought weeks ago.
6. Which brings me to the following dilemma. I know that I am not fat, per se. However, I keep holding on to the hope that I will lose the weight. And I obviously haven't. Should I get rid of my skinny pants? :(
7. I bought this Argon Hair Oil at Sally Beauty Supply. Supposedly, it's really similar to Moroccan Hair Oil. Anyhoodle, it's really good. My hair had been really dry and my stylist told me I needed to condition it more often. The bottle cost me $9 bucks, and it's awesome. Awesome.
8. The Blind Side. Omg. I never thought that I would be such a sucker for that movie. But I'm falling for it. Hook. Line. Sinker. The best part was that J said he really wanted to see it, too. Good.
9. New Moon comes out next week. I am ashamed at how excited I am. I am even more ashamed that I like that cute little wolf boy. For heaven's sake he's not even LEGAL. But he is adorable. I might have to change my allegiance it's that bad.
10. Got a manicure and pedicure on Saturday in Essie's Bahama Mama. It's the darkest that I've ever done my nails. I also got a massage. Total Deliciousness. Until. Until I went to get the mail and my massage oil feet slipped out from under me AND I TOTALLY ATE THE PAVEMENT. Oh, and I also scratched my pedicure. Thank the good Lord no one saw me eat concrete. .
11. La, la, la. That's it for now.

If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands

Clap, Clap!

Oh, cookies. As someone who is prone to pessimism and is only occasionally cautiously optimistic, things have been going... oh, my word! Do I dare say it? They've been going really well! And I'm terrified, TERRIFIED, that this is just the initial calm before the storm, and that within the next few days I can expect my dryer to break or my dogs to get sick or to get my period (to be honest, I'm feeling period-ish so that won't be such a huge surprise or downer).

Because all the other things? They're just spanky!

1. My job. Love it. Love it. Love it. My kids are awesome. I no longer have the class from hell OR THEIR PARENTS. My schedule is a breeze. I no longer have to stay late to get my work done because I've saved all my lesson plans on WORD and I just have to cut and paste and add some new activities. Easy peasy.
2. Mrs. LeDouchetard's comeuppance. Ooooooh, yes! It happened! My principal recommended me for a tutoring opportunity, and I met with the parent (who loved me, LOVED me) this morning. As the parent was leaving, she saw Mrs. LeDouchetard and said, "Oh, I have to thank Mrs. LeDouchetard. I spoke to her on Monday and she said she had an elementary teacher in mind for this opportunity, AND I'M SURE IT HAD TO BE YOU!" Ha! Right! Like she would EVER recommend me for anything. Oh, I wish I could've seen her face when the parent told her it would be ME! I later found out Mrs. LeDouchetard was planning to recommend my work BFF, S, but my principal (THE PRINCIPAL) recommended me because I have previous middle school experience. Thank you, Jesus! You have a hilarious sense of humor -and timing! And it's true what the Bible says about revenge -God will take care of it. Amen, cookies. Amen.
3. This tutoring, which starts in December, will mean some more income, and it means that I am for shizzle getting a cleaning lady! Yay, yay, yay!
4. I'm going to church again. I've gone for the past four weeks and I love it. It's pretty close by, and the service is AMAZING. I usually don't like to talk about religion, but going to church has really made me feel better, so I'm grateful for that.
5. I have been exercising! Yes, yes I have. I only went twice last week, and so far I've only gone twice this week, but that's definitely progress, right? That's way more than I've gone in the last four months!

Now if you're sick of all this dumb happiness, here are some pebbles in my shoe that might make you giggle.

1. On Saturday I went to the grocery store while starving. Bad, bad move. I was bewitched by a Krispy Kreme six pack and bought it. I then proceeded to eat four donuts on the five minute drive from the store to my house. And, I only ate four because my mom called me, and I didn't want to chew and talk at the same time. If not, I for sure could've eaten five, and in the past, I've been known to come home with an empty box. :)
2. After Saturday school, I went to the mall. I really hate fall fashions. It's all lumber jack -y and warm and it's fricking 90 degrees here! Anyhoodle, I found some really cute stuff at the Gap and went to pay. I had them look up my Gap card, which I only let myself use because I pay the balance in full every month, and the salesclerk said my card had been DENIED. Um, MORTIFICATION. I told her that it was IMPOSSIBLE, and that she needed to run that shit again. She then goes into a very condescending speech about if I've made a payment it might take a couple of days to process, blah, blah, blah, and I said listen, I owe x dollars for this month. My limit is 10x. RUN IT AGAIN. And, duh, it totally went through. Of course, not before I prayed for the earth to swallow me whole and all.

K, cookies. That's it for now. Remember, keep calm and carry on.

xoxo

You Spin Me Right Round, Baby

Oh, sweet, sweet freedom! It has been such a joy to get back to my second grade schedule! My kids are awesome, and I am a happy, happy camper.

Yay for me!

I am so yay for me and so happy to get out of my ninth circle of hell, that I am actually going back to the gym. After weighing myself on Monday and realizing that my weight had crept up to an unacceptable high (hello? I have never been that heavy in my life, mmmkay?), I decided that it was time. Or should I say, my fat ass decided that it was time.

Anyhoodle, I made it to the gym on Monday and again yesterday, and I'm hoping (fingers crossed) to make it on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I know, I know. Super lofty goals considering my ass hasn't been to the gym in four months. FOUR MONTHS. In fact, I went to a beginner's spinning class yesterday, arrived 15 minutes late, and thought I was going to. Fucking. Die. I am sooooo out of shape. When I think of how I used to go spinning (in the kick your ass class) five times a week, I totally have no idea how I did it.

So. To reiterate, get ready to see my rapidly shrinking lady lumps!

xoxo

P.S. The only thing I'll miss are my boobies. They're the last to arrive and the first to leave. And for me, they've been frickin ginormous.

Top Five Ways I Torture Myself

1. Keeping treats in the house. Rewind to Sunday when I ate half a jar of frosting (in addition to the three donuts that I had already eaten) that I had originally bought to frost a cake I was going to bake with my class the following day, and later to Monday, when I ate almost the other half and had to put dishwashing liquid in the container to avoid eating anymore. I just can't keep treats in the house. I have no self-control. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch.


2. Stepping on the scale. As a result of the vicious cycle of anxiety, self-loathing, overeating, and inertia that I have experienced in the last three months, I have added six pounds to my already (for me) fatty mcbutterpants weight. On Monday I weighed myself (something that I used to do religiously on a daily basis and have rarely done over the last three months), and I almost. Passed. Out. 141 pounds. I have never weighed so much. Never. Three months of cookies, ice cream, loaded fries, pizza, and bags of M&M's have wreaked havoc on my body. I know that I am not fat. But weight is a very personal thing. And the fact that I am bulging out of my pants is a big flashing sign. Earth to Smart Cookie: It's time for the bingeing to stop and the exercise to start.


3. Going "window" shopping. I always come home with something. And even though my night job has kept us in the black, and we have not added to our debt, I have more than enough clothes. I mean, just yesterday, I was telling J that I really needed to clean the bathroom, and he said, "Yeah, half your wardrobe is piled in there." And I actually thought about it and said, "Half my wardrobe? Not even close! Do you know how many clothes I have?" Um, obviously too many. Ugh, but I can't help it! I love pretty things! I'm currently obssessed with some booties I saw at Nordstrom and a leather strap Michael Kors watch and these yellow Gap cordoroys! Help me! Save me from myself!


4. Searching for people from my past on FACEBOOK. It's just bad news bears. Seriously.


5. Wondering why everyone and their mother has a baby (see ways I torture myself #4). Last week I dreamt that my mother was pregnant, and she didn't know how to tell me because she thought I would be upset. Actually, I'd be happy if someone in my family got pregnant. I could deal with being pregnant by proxy.

Deep sigh. Deep, deep sigh.

Take, These Broken Wings

Today was officially my last day as the fifth grade homeroom teacher/2nd-5th grades reading/language teacher. Beginning on Monday, I'm going back to my second grade, self-contained classroom.

And it is bittersweet.

Because the outpouring of love from my fourth and fifth graders (two of whom bought me M&M's because they know those are my favorite treats) and one distraught parental call lamenting the fact that her son was only able to spend one quarter with me have made me feel as happy as a bird with a french fry.

Because the truth is, it's so much easier to listen to the haters, who are always more vocal than the lovers. And doing so is so dangerous. Because eventually, you start to believe what they're saying about you, eventually you begin to lose confidence and doubt yourself.

But if today was any indication, Mrs. LeDouchetard can suck it. Because bitch is definitely in the minority.

Hate On Me, Hater

I know, I know, I have been M.I.A. for the last two months -but, oh how I've missed you! Unfortunately, my internet hasn't been working, and lazy ass that I am, I haven't called AT&T to get it fixed. Oh, yeah, and my day job has been sucking the will to live right out of me. So there's that, too.



Anyhoodle, here's a mini-recap. I'm posting at my night job, so hopefully, more to follow. :)

• School has been kicking my ass, and I have been riding the crazy train all the way to Just Quit My Fucking Job town. Mrs. LeDouchetard and her cronies have made my life miserable, and my mantra, which started with, "I just have to make it through the year," and later changed to, "I just have to make it through the month," and eventually turned into, "I just have to make it through the day," almost became, "Oh, Lord. Please help me not stick my head in the oven a la Sylvia Plath." We're talking crying almost every day, cursing like a pirate, and just generally hoping to end my misery.
• Because some parents are assholes. Period. And apparently, it was a witch hunt, and guess who was riding the broom?
• And those parents just hate my guts, which is odd because I am really a loveable person. Like, especially loveable.
• So finally, like the Israelites who traveled for 40 years and finally made it to Canaan, I was called to my principal's office and told that they had decided to move me back to second grade. Essentially, being demoted, but who gives a fuck? Because it means an end to the LeDouchetard saga.
• Yay for me!
• Joe, one of the only rays of sunshine in this craptastic extravaganza, and I recently celebrated our nine year anniversary. We ususally don't exchange gifts, but in addition to getting me DVR (which has totally changed my life!), he bought me a snuggie, a STAR magazine, and a pound of M&M's (which I ate in a 24 hour time period).
• Which brings me to my expanding girth, and the fact that I have been eating my feelings for the last few months. Deep sigh.
• But now that I am going to be a happy camper and not have to suffer the emotional torture of my day job, perhaps I will find the strength and energy to work out.
• Maybe.

That's really it in a nutshell. I wish I had more exciting stuff to share, but it's the dawn of a new day. So keep your fingers crossed.

xoxo

I Dare You to Get Anything Done....

once you check out this site.

We had a technology seminar today where we learned about muchos free websites that make teaching more exciting. I'll admit, I was bitching and moaning before the seminar. I've got a buttload of stuff to do, and the idea of spending the whole day learning about technology? Boo. Hiss. Growl.

But after learning how to do this, I had a serious attitude adjustment.

Doing lesson plans and bulletin boards can suck it.

Crazy Talk

Please enjoy random and amusing quotes from my beloved DNA.

Before my surgery:
Smart Cookie Mother: Remember when I hated your father?


Smart Cookie Mother: I found these great chairs at Marshall's so I told your dad to guard them while I went to the bathroom and while I was walking away I saw someone walking toward the chairs and looking at the prices so I ran back and told him, "Hey, these are my chairs!", and he said, "But I only want one!", and I said, "Too bad! They're mine!", and the manager was watching me argue with this guy, and I told the manager, "Look, if I have to fight for those chairs, I will. And let me tell you, I'll win. I'm taking these chairs home."


To my mother after learning that she got into an argument with the hospital staff taking care of my nana.
Smart Cookie: Mom, please promise me that I will never have to bail you out of jail.


Smart Cookie Brother (when he was very young): Man! That's the biggest cat I've ever seen!
Note: It was a goat.


Smart Cookie Grandmother: Sometimes your grandfather drives me so crazy I just want to put him outside by the mailbox with a big ribbon on his head and see if anyone will take him!


Smart Cookie Sister: I bet you her boyfriend's coming, too.

Smart Cookie Sister's Boyfriend: Okay, I'll bet you (some sex act I was happy I didn't hear, la, la, la, la, la) that he won't come.

Smart Cookie Sister: Okay, if I win I want you to rub my back for an entire show.
Deal and they shake on it.

(Boyfriend shows up)

Smart Cookie Sister: Ha! I win!

Smart Cookie Sister's Boyfriend: No, no! We were just kidding!

Smart Cookie Sister: But we shaked on it!

Smart Cookie Sister's Boyfriend: I know we shooked on it, but I didn't know what we were shaking for.

Laughing so hard I'm crying in the backseat. Shaked and shooked! And my sister's going to be a doctor!


Smart Cookie Father: Yeah, I can hear so much better with this hearing aid. I can even hear my hair rustling in the wind. And if I can't hear, the hearing aid is connected to a satellite and a voice says, "Hey, you son of a bitch, can you hear this?"


In a conversation comparing the girl cousins and the boy cousins:
Smart Cookie Cousin M: What's the point of being good? We're the ones who actually work and got good grades and didn't go to jail, and the boys are the ones who get everything!


Smart Cookie Cousin C: I talk so much. Sometimes I'm talking and talking and while I'm talking I'm thinking in my head, "You're talking so much!", but I can't stop!


On finding out she didn't get into the physical therapy program (which turned out to be a mistake, she did get in):
Smart Cookie Sister: But this would never happen to you! OMG, what am I going to do! I want to get married, and have a family, and buy a house, and what am I going to do for money?!
Note: My sister has over $30,000 saved, mmmmkay?

My godmother started feeding Kitty, the neighborhood cat. When Kitty got knocked up and had babies, my godmother didn't want to take care of the kittens too so she dropped them off in another neighborhood. But Kitty was so sad, and she kept crying and crying for her babies. So my aunt went back to the neighborhood and found two out of the three cats, Buddy & Meow Meow.
Smart Cookie Godmother: They're always there by the door! It's like they're waiting for me to come out. Sometimes I swear to you I think that they're spying on me, looking at me with their big old cat eyes.
Note: Kitty got pregnant again, but we don't know where those babies are.


Upon finding the laminating that I dropped off last Wednesday would not be ready as promised.
Smart Cookie: What?! What am I supposed to do? Maybe if the laminating guy wasn't so busy combing the four hairs on his head he would've finished my stupid laminating!


Put the names with the faces. Honorary Cousin A, Smart Cookie Sister, Cousin M, Cousin K (really the least crazy, I can't think of anything remotely nutty she's ever said), Cousin C, Smart Cookie

So. Do you understand now? I can't help it. It's genetic. We're all crazy.

Back to School

So. Summer is over. Tomorrow, I have to go back to school. And it's definitely bittersweet because I've had a really great summer.

Let's go over some of the highlights:

1. Joe and I went to the Dominican Republic, our first vacation in over six years.

2. I worked with my parents for a good majority of the summer, which helped keep us in the semi-black financially. My mom approached me about possibly working with her next year and eventually taking over the business. It's a lot to think about. I haven't made a decision, but it feels good to know that I have options. I like the idea of owning my own business.

3. I got a night job, which was also a financial blessing because lately I've felt as if we've been hemmorhaging money. The refrigerator broke and it was $250 smackaroonies and J's car needed new tires and some other repairs so that was another $250 buckeroos and between a little of this and that, we had to dip into our super tiny modest savings. But like J says, "At least we had it."

4. J and I seriously discussed our finances. I manage the monies, and sometimes J has a don't ask don't tell policy about money. He's a big believer in the idea that things will just work themselves out. But after hitting rock bottom, we were forced to seriously address the situation. We cut up our credit cards, cut back, and are working on being debt free. I've paid off some of my baby cards (Gap & Victoria's Secret), and even though we have a long way to go, I really believe we'll get there.

5. My lovely nieces came to visit. We did a bunch of fun stuff (beach, pool, paddleboarding), and I was so sad to see them go.

6. I got my lady business cleaned up, and I'm ready to get pregnant. I'm trying to stay positive so that my overwhelming hope doesn't break my heart if things don't work out, but I'm leaving it in God's hands. Or trying to, anyway. I have dreams of a double pregnancy with my new SWF.

7. I started taking anxiety medication. And I love it. I really think it works. I haven't cried in weeks, and I definitely feel more level-headed. That doesn't mean that I don't have the occasional episode, but overall, I feel more in control. I actually wish my dose were higher, but that would mean going back to my devil doctor. And, um, no.

8. I've started some new friendships, which have made me really happy. I've always been more of a loner, primarily because I'm terrified of getting hurt. And I'm super sensitive about my crazy idiosyncraises, which have always made sustaining friendships difficult. But I'm making progress, cookies. And it feels good.

9. I reconnected with God. So funny, right? Like I just called him up and said, "Hey, You, it's been a while." But I had lost my faith. Too busy, too worried, too much thinking about everything else. So when I hit rock bottom, it felt good to know that even though I had run away from Him, He was still there.

There've been a lot of ups and downs, but I really think that this is the best summer I've ever had.

Thanks for letting me share it with you. :)

My Life...

according to one artist. I copied this meme from A. It's super fun, and definitely not as easy as it looks. I looked up song titles from the Goo Goo Dolls and Britney Spears before settling on U2.

To play, answer the following questions using only song titles from one artist.

And, voila!

My Life, by U2

Are you male or female: She's a Mystery to Me

Describe Yourself: Lady with the Spinning Head

How do you feel about yourself: Running to Stand Still, Mysterious Ways

Describe where you currently live: Miami

The first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning: New Day, Another Day

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Where the Streets Have No Name

Your favorite form of transportation: Fast Cars, Walk On

Your best friend(s) is/are: Let the Good Times Roll

Your favorite color is: Your Blue Room, A Different Kind of Blue

What's the weather like: Beautiful Day, Staring at the Sun

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, Even Better Than the Real Thing

What is Life to You: Sweetest Thing

What is the best advice that you have to give: Don't Give Up

If you could change your name, what would it be: Grace

Your favorite food is: Summer Wine

Your soul's present condition: Rejoice

How would you describe your love life: All I Want is You, Love You Like Mad

La, la, la. The End.

Some of My Favorite Things

This commercial. O. M. G. I swear it only comes on at night, and I've been telling everyone about it BUT NO ONE HAS SEEN IT BUT ME! And it combines my favorite things. Ice cream, cake, and a catchy beat.


Tell me that you're not singing it!

Hey Mon. Remember when I told you I got a part-time night job answering phones at night for my uncle's law firm? The job is only from 11:30 to 12:30, and I make $30 smackaroonies a night. Pretty awesome.

Well, this week I got promoted. At least that's what I'm telling people. Instead of answering the phones, I get to be the boss and communicate with the head of production at the station. So much better than answering the phones! And I HEART being the boss.

Anyhoodle, I get home late, and I'm pretty tired. When school starts, it'll be a challenge, but we need the money and I've got to hustle. So I'll be teaching, wearing my bossy boots, AND doing Saturday school once it starts. AND hopefully I can find one or two kids to tutor. So. Sometimes I feel like this:



My Nieces. I've been MIA because my lovely nieces came to visit last weekend. I had THE BEST TIME. We went to the beach, and to Venetian Pool and paddleboarding, and we ate delicous crepes, and pretended we were Miami Social by eating at Van Dykes. It was awesome. I only wish that we could've taken them out at night. Next time for sure. And pictures. I didn't take any. :(

If I could shrink them and carry them in my pocket, I totally would. They're beautiful and funny and bright and kind and I love them forever.

Gap Jeans. I'm really not into this whole distressed denim trend, but I'm loving these jeans and already wondering how I'm going to buy them and work them into my wardrobe.

Chocolate Shakes. I've been drinking a chocolate shake, EVERY NIGHT, for the last two weeks. At first, we were buying them from McDonald's, but now, I've perfected it, and I make them at home. Deliciousness.

The Ocean. When my nieces were here, I was happy that they wanted to spend so much time at the beach. Because the beach is so far, and it's a hassle to park, and there are so many frickin people, J and I never go to the beach unless we're in Marco Island. So I was super happy to be at the beach this weekend. The sun was shining, the water was warm, and it was just super relaxing.

La, la, la. The end.

Sunday, Crazy Sunday

Most people love Sundays.

Not me.

Sundays are when my anxiety levels go through the roof. I haven't figured out why, but whether I stay at home or go out, my body is humming, and my breathing is labored, and my heart feels like it's going to crawl up my throat and escape out of my mouth.

Today I wanted to run some errands. This week is a busy week. I've got two doctor's appointments, a massage appointment (after this one I have four more to use in the next three weeks -I know, cry me a river), three days of work, some cleaning (so my niece won't have to feel guilty when she tells her Nani, J's mother, that no, we do NOT live in filfth), a little bit of grocery shopping, AND I need to squeeze in an eyebrow and manicure/pedicure because my eyebrows look like Sasquatch's and I can never do my nails as pretty as a professional.

And that didn't include what I wanted to get done today. I wanted to go to the mall to check out Forever 21 (it was a wash, I hate it when they stock up on fall clothes), to Target to buy some basics, and to Get Smart, the school supply store to buy materials for my classroom (which would be free as long as I stuck to my school budget of $75).

I wanted to go, but before I left I could feel my anxiety bubbling inside. I went anyway, and had a panic attack in the mall. I had to keep my hand on my chest and take deep breaths.

I don't know how to explain it. But it's like this. Imagine a pot boiling. That's my body. And then you put a lid on it. From the outside, you can't tell the pot boiling. But on the inside, it's craziness. That's how I feel. Normal looking on the outside, but on the inside, my body is having a physical reaction that will manifest itself as an emotional reaction (like the pot boiling over) if I don't simmer down.

I called J from the mall, and he told me to relax, to which I replied, "If it was that easy, don't you think I would do that?" But he stayed on the phone with me and reminded me to take deep breaths. When I got home, he told me my breathing was so irregular, it sounded like I was gasping for air.

I then went to Target to buy some razors, toilet paper, and other odds and ends. By then I could feel myself slowing down. And by the time I got to Get Smart, I didn't feel so panic-y. There was a moment when the cashier told me she couldn't process my order because I needed a P.O. number, and I freaked the frig out because the store is soooooo far away, and duh, school is closed on Sundays so no way to get a P.O. number, and if I had to go back all that way I was going to drive my car into a tree, but luckily all that was avoided when the cashier said, "Oops, no! My mistake!" Good for her, because I assure you I could not be held liable for my reaction if it had gone the other way.

When I got home, I lay in bed for a little while, and the humming subsided. I feel much better. My heartbeat is a little fast, but I'll live. :)

On a funny note (because jeez this post is so serious, kind of a downer), here's a little random-ity randomness:

• There's this guy in my neighborhood who walks his parrot. Not on a leash or anything, though I would love to see that. He just walks around with this parrot on his arm. Maybe he's looking for his ship?
• Want to read a funny joke? Where do crazy people walk in the forest? On the "psycho" path. LOL
• Today, I saw a huge dead dog on the side of the road. So sad. But J did not see it. So on the way back, I said, "Look babe! It's right there! You see that big thing! There it is! Oh....Oh, no! That's just a rock -that's not the dog! Where was it?"
• My sister wanted to see my scar, so I said, "I haven't shaved down there, and I don't want you to give me any grief about it, okay?" To which she replied, "I can hardly see your scar! But whoa! It looks like a hairy armpit down there."

Random Ramblings

• I'm starving. Funny, because my crazy pills have curtailed my appetite, so I only eat when I can feel my guts eating themselves out.
• Consequently, even though my ass is expanding, I am losing a teeny bit of weight. 2.5 pounds to be exact.
• The love of my life is driving me crazy with his laissez-fair, Bob Marley-ish, everything is going to be alright attitude. I need him to put on his big boy pants and help me a little more.
• My teeny scar is right where the elastic from my panty hits, and it itches. Yeah, try to scratch it without looking like a perve.
• I'm soooooo tired. I got a part-time job answering phones from 11.30-12.30 at night, and even though it's a piece of cake and it pays $30/night, I get home around one in the manana.
• I want to buy myself some leggings at Forever 21 and the boyfriend blazer featured on Budget Babe.
• But I won't because I'm trying to reign it in.
• Unless I lose my mind, and let me tell you I'm seriously on the verge.
• But let's hope it doesn't come to that.
• Tomorrow, hopefully sunny day by the pool.

The End.

Did You Hear That?

That was the sound of the other shoe dropping.

Hmmmf.

Remember when I was soooooo happy? Yeah, that must've been a surgery high because that didn't last too long.

Why, you may ask?

Well, let me tell you.

Last week, we noticed that our refrigerator was not refrigerating. We tried everything. Moving the temperature controls, scraping the block of ice that had formed on the back wall of the freezer, pulling the refrigerator from the wall, unplugging it and cleaning out the coils, but nothing. Nada, zero, zip. No refrigeration.

So, duh, we had to call a repairman. At first, I tried to ask around, but apparently, word of mouth was not going to help me find a guy, because NOBODY knew of anyone.

Bleh.

And, I was seriously getting pissed at my little love muffin. BECAUSE HE'S THE BOY! That's his job! Cars, lawn, and appliances. That's all I ask of him. But he was like, "Hmmm, well, it seems colder, um I don't know, maybe I'll find someone" blah, blah, blah. Um, maybe? Hello! Refrigeration is a necessity! We're not Pilgrims anymore.

Sheesh.

This whole business reminded me of the time I came hope AND SNOOPY HAD EATEN THE TIP OF HIS TAIL! Yes. THE TIP OF HIS TAIL! I called J all hysterial and bajiggity, and do you know what he said? He said, "Just spray him with the flea spray." WHAT? My dog ate the tip of his tail! We need to take him to the vet! J only took him because I'd told him I would take Snoopy myself. And guess what? Snoopy had fleas so bad, the poor baby had to have his tail amputated. Can you believe my better half? What would've happened if I would've just said, "Oh, he ate the tip of his tail. Let me just spray him."

I love J, but sometimes I just want to bang my head bloody.

Anyhoodle. Back to the refrigerator.

I called someone from the Yellow Pages, and thankfully they were able to come out today.

And $275 smackaroonies later, we have refrigeration.

Yes. $275. Like my friend CG said, "Do you know how many clothes you could've bought at Forever 21?"

No, CG. I didn't. BUT I DO NOW. :(

Crappity, crappola.

Want Some Candy, Little Girl?

No? Umm. Okay, then. Mosey along. Nothing to see here.

This is my little dog Snoopy. OMG, I love him. He's such a good dog. As evidenced by the babushka and glasses.

Things I'm Hearting....

but don't currently own. Or, um, forsee owning in the near future. :)


How cute are these Gap peep-toe flats? Too cute, right? I have a couple of pairs of Gap flats, and let me just say, the Gap's first forray into the shoe world was a mixed bag. Super cute flats, but super uncomfortable. They were like a prison for you toes. It was like they were made of cardboard. But now, they've wised up and put in some super comfy insoles. Plus, since they're peep-toes, they won't hurt your toes. Bonus!
This color is magically delicious. How sad am I that I am now on a budget, and having fully paid off my Gap card cannot buy this skirt with either cash or credit? So. Sad. It's just such a summery color! And even though I don't look good in coral, since the color is on the bottom, it's a perfect compromise!
Oh. My. Word. Do you know that I got in trouble one year for wearing tan courdoroys to work? I got called into the principal's office and everything. Talk about wanting the earth to swallow me whole. Have I mentioned that I'm a goody-goody and hate getting in trouble? Seriously, it took me six months to get over the whole situation. The funny thing is, I'd worn those pants for a month straight the previous year, and I'd never heard a peep.


But these? I love, love, love the color. Perfect spank of color for any outfit. Old Navy, size 6 (I hope I'm still this size). Buy them for me.

If you know me, you know I'm not big on the whole fall/winter deal. I have a pathological aversion to the cold and everything that comes with it -sweaters, turtlenecks (I have a short neck and I always feel like -turtle, turtle!), thick socks, blah, blah, blah.

But I so heart this jacket. Last year I saw a bunch of these jackets. Forever 21, Victoria's Secret Pink, you name it. But for some reason, I'd never bought one. But now they're back! And this one's my favorite!

La, la, la... The end. :)

Alternatives to Branding Myself For Life

So last week I had mentioned how I had really wanted to get a tattoo on my wrist that said, "Trust in the Lord, always." And I had also detailed my family's visceral reaction upon finding out said ruminations and their absolute poo on the idea.

I mean, the day of my surgery, my mom broke down and said, "Ay, Smart Cookie, that's so LONG, I mean, if you want a reminder, why don't you just tattoo the initials? Hmmmm. What would that be? T. I. T. L., and A. Right? How about that?"

My response, "Seriously, mom? You don't want me to get a tattoo that says, 'Trust in the Lord, always, but TITLA? TITLA, is okay? No."

Anyhoodle, in between bedrest and reading and America's Next Top Model marathons, I've been searching online for some suitable alternatives to getting a tattoo.

My favorite kind of jewelry is bracelets. I love necklaces and earrings, too, but sometimes I'd just rather wear my everyday cross and studs than change 'em up. But, bracelets? Oh, I heart you.

So looky here:

These are my three choices. I'm partial to the one in the middle, because let's face it, it's the most Smart Cookie-ish, but I also like the other two. I have a teacher bracelet that's similar to the one on the top, and the black one I threw in because I thought the black and pink was a really cute combo.

So what do you think? Leave me some love and let me know.

Random-ity Rambles

Today was the first day I ventured out since my surgery on Tuesday.

I only went to Forever 21. I hadn't been to the mall in three weeks. We've been on a pretty strict budget, but I gave myself permission to buy myself a post-op present. So I bought myself this:
I had seen it a couple of months ago, but they'd only had it in a large. Boo. Hoo. So I was super happy when I found it today. It fits really cute. Love. Love. Love.

I also loved this dress, but it was so short. Too short. Like, don't even breathe too deeply because people are going to see your panties when you make the slightest motion. Too bad for me, but really good for our budget.


I love this website. I would wear almost every dress on this site.

How cute is this? I would totally wear it. At $69.99, it's too pricey for me, but I love the fact that you can dress it up or down.

I came up with this idea two years ago when my nana was in the hospital, and everyone laughed. My mamacita told me it would be too messy. But look! Someone's making money!

This morning, I was flipping through the Bible, and I randomly stumbled upon these stories. I read this Bible story and this one. What is God trying to tell me? Financial security and a baby. I believe it and I receive it. :)

I'm almost scared to say it because the pessimist in me is worried about the other shoe dropping, but lately I've been feeling happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Thank you, Jesus.

Is It Supposed to Feel Like I'm Peeing Hot Magma?

Surgery Recap:

I don't think this pill is going to work.
So I had my surgery on Tuesday, and as y'all know, I've been worrying about it for weeks, and that worrying hit a feverish pitch on Tuesday morning. Surgery was originally scheduled for 7:30 a.m., but I was called on Monday and told that it was pushed back until 11:30, which bothered me to no end, because duh, in my makes no sense brain, by 11:30, I would've already been done with surgery so pushing it back was interfering with the space/time continuum.

Plus, even though I was allowed to take my anxiety pill, I was anxious as all get out (hello? tube down my throat), and I had an argument with J before my mom picked me up, which ended with me snappily snipping, "I love you, bye!" Not the way I wanted to go into surgery. But, hello? I was nervous. Why was he antagonizing me? Why? For the love of all that's good and holy, why?

There's a hose that warms your butt while you wait.
I was admitted at about a quarter to ten. I had to change into a dressing gown and pull my hair back into a sexy little shower cap. This, plus my glasses and no make-up, obviously made me irresistible. Hospital chic, if you will. Because the facility is chilly, they've got these super cool hoses that you can put in a small hole in your gown and warm your butt! Or, um, the rest of your body if you so choose.

In the twenty years I've been doing this, it's never happened, and I don't expect you to be the first.

Mmmmmkay? My anesthesiologist's reaction when I asked him if he was sure, really, really sure, that I wouldn't wake up during the procedure.

Can you sign here, please? Things That Can Go Wrong -infertility, punctured lung, punctured bladder, blah, blah, blah.
WTF? Yeah, I signed it, but not before telling the nurse, "I'm going to be really pissed if this procedure makes me infertile. Just so you know. I'm here to work on getting a baby."

Oh. My. Word. I'm over it. Just roll me in.
I didn't go into surgery until 12:15, and by then I was soooo ready. It was like, just cut me up and get it taken care of, I don't even care if I'm awake.

What? It's over already?
All I remember is being rolled in and seeing all the white lights and hearing the music on the stereo and thinking how very Nip/Tuck it all was. Then I remember the IV feeling all boily in my hand, and when I said something I could taste the anesthesia in my mouth. And then I woke up all groggy and it was over.

Lava from my loins.
Once I woke up, the nurse asked if I needed to go to the bathroom. I was super surprised that it was really hard for me to walk, and I was super shocked when I peed and it felt like I was peeing hot magma. Did I sign up for a urinary tract infection? Apparently, it was just the catheter they had inserted to empty my bladder. Fun times.

My vagina is on vacation.
And other things I can't do. Bedrest for a few day. No exercise, sex, tampons (yeah, right), pool, beach or jacuzzi. The pool part is the only part that made me sad. I love the pool. I like the sex, too, don't get me wrong, but -doctor's orders!

Feeling good, feeling fine.
I felt awesome after surgery and had very little pain. The only side effect was the pain in my shoulders and chest every time I stood up, but that subsided after the first day.

My belly buton is taped up, that's where the doctor went in to check my tubes, and the tape will fall off by itself. I usually sleep on my belly, so on the first night I slept on my back because I was scared the tape would fall off and my guts would fall out. Drama, much?

I also have a cut a couple of inches below my belly button and above my baby hole, where the doctor went in to take out the polyp in my uterine cavity.

So far, everything is good. And I'm so grateful to my family and friends for their love, prayers, and well wishes.

Hope springs eternal.
I didn't speak to the doctor after surgery, because duh, I was incoherent, but he did speak to my mamacita. He took the polyp out and found that I did have some endometriosis, even though I never had any symptoms. And he cleaned up my girly parts.

So here's my wish. To the universe and to God. I would love to have a baby. And I hope this helps.

I Knew I Had Good Taste

Do you guys read this website? I love it. Imagine my surprise when I found a link illustrating six different ways to wear this dress -that I'd worn just this week!

I wore this dress to a fashion show at the Liv nightclub in the Fountainbleau hotel. This is the hotel that hosted the Victoria's Secret fashion show last year. And it is way too posh for me. I had no idea that it was so fancy. I felt like a square peg. Like I could start singing that Sesame Street song, "One of these thing just doesn't belong here. One of these things just isn't the same."

My sister's boyfriend's sister is working as an intern for Miami magazine, and she got us on the guest list. Anyhoodle, I was excited about going. Because trust me, it's one of those clubs that I would have never been able to get into on my own. My cousin K said she and a couple of girlfriends came to club one night, "dressed to the t" and that they wouldn't let them in unless they each paid $100 cover charge.

I had no idea it was going to be held in a club. I thought the fashion show was going to be outside by the pool, so I did wish I'd just worn black and dressed a little fancier. Like pretty much everyone else. This dress is a little casual, and I hate being under dressed.

But, even though I got a lot of compliments on my dress (from my cousins), I felt that it made me look VERY THICK in the thigh and butt area. I'm thinking before I wear it again, I should take in the seams on the sides so that it's not so flowy and more straight line-y.

What do you think?

P.S. I finally got a chance to wear my new shoes.

Finding Winn-Dixie

Today, J and I went grocery shopping. It was inevitable. We couldn't put it off any longer (I hate grocery shopping -especially with J. That boy likes to look at everything and he can stand in front of an item debating the cost forever.) because our refrigerator looked like this:

FYI: The milk had gone bad, J had drank all the coke (he likes to leave a smidge at the bottom because he hates throwing out the bottle), the big bag of frosted flakes is from J's job, and the other big bag is stuffed with sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies that one of J's accounts had given him yesterday (hence my tweets about sugar headaches resulting from an overindulgence in sugar cookies. Seven sugar cookies to be exact). Everything else? Condiments.

We usually shop at Publix, but my friend A had mentioned that Winn-Dixie was less expensive and had better deals, especially if you had a Winn-Dixie card, which is a little black card that enables you to get -duh, even better deals. We weren't able to get the card because the manager said he ran out of applications. But he kindly kept a card on hand for occasions like this.

So on our way to the store, I issued a challenge. The challenge was to keep our bill at $50. $75 including dog food. I'd read somewhere that for people on a budget, a good number to keep on hand for groceries was $100/person per month. That would be $200 smackaroonies a month.

Okay. So that didn't happen. We spent $119, including the dog food. When I looked at J, he just said,

"Babe, you didn't really think that we could spend $50. Are you crazy? We had nothing. Anyway, just think of it this way, we bought enough stuff to last two weeks! Plus, that includes the dog food, and your champagne and orange juice for your brunch tomorrow. I think we did really well."

And we did get some good deals. Pork chops were two for one -and the BEST deal was a 30 pound bag of dog food that retails for $30, but was on sale for $15! Yowza!

But. But of course, because it's J and me. We did have a little Charlie Brown moment. When I unloaded the groceries, I couldn't find the tuna, Coke, or spaghetti sauce (two for $5 and we eat pasta all the time). Turns out, when I was putting our groceries on the belt, there wasn't enough room, so I put some stuff on the little ledge. And that's where my stuff stayed. Boo. Hoo.

Anyhoodle, here's my fridge:

I still have to go to Publix to get some stuff tomorrow. I didn't like the deli meat at Winn-Dixie so I've got to get some sliced turkey and cheese. Plus the Coke and tuna that I'd left behind.

But the hardest part is over. No need to worry about me, cookies. We're fully loaded!

I Don't Like to Buy Anything I Can't Return...

which is why despite the fact that I want a tattoo, I'm too much of a scared-y cat to actually get one.

Y'all know about my financial sad-face (which is not really super sad-face, I'm in no immediate danger of living under a bridge with nothing to keep me warm but all my clothes, some with the tags still on them).

Anyhoodle, besides my crazy pills, something that's been making me feel like not stabbing myself with a fork is this Bible verse:

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You; Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the rock eternal.
Isaiah 26:3 (I'm pretty sure)

Whenever I feel like jumping out of my skin or screaming at the top of my lungs or laying in the fetal position crying big, salty tears, I just recite this to myself, over and over and over (like a mental patient, you might say) until I feel better. And inevitably, I do.

So last night I made the mistake of watching L.A. Ink, which I never do, and I was kinda inspired by people and their tattoos and what their tattoos mean to them.

And I started thinking. I would love to get a tattoo on the inside of my wrist that says:

Trust in the Lord

always

My friend Nae Nae (love you, sister) even said she'd go with me.

I even wrote it in pen on my wrist, just to see what it would look like. And I kinda liked it.

But.

But J and everyone in my family hates the idea. They think tattoos are "skanky", "slutty", and "hoochie". Cookies, if you have tattoos please do not get all up in arms, this is a very Cuban way of thinking. And even though J's not Cuban, his argument is,

"You've gone 33 years (just like Jesus!) without marking your body -why do it
now?"

Yeah, this from the guy who wanted a flaming baseball on his bicep but it was too expensive, so now he has what looks like Mr. Peanut on his bicep because that's all he could afford.

Anyhoodle, like I said, I wrote it on my left wrist. And I asked my brother about it. He wasn't liking the idea not one little bit.

SC: So. I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. What do you think?

SCB: Um.... NO! You crazy?

SC: No, I just think I want one.

SCB: Nuh-uh.

SC: It would be small.

SCB: Yeah? And where would you get it? I hope not on your ankle or something. Maybe somewhere private where only you could see it. Or you could only see it if you were in a bathing suit or something. As long as you couldn't see it when you were, you know, wearing clothes.

SC: It would be tasteful. It wouldn't be a Snoopy or a Betty Boop or something stupid like that with no meaning.

SCB: (Snorts) Yeah, I've seen lots of tasteful tattoos.

SC: How about my wrist? Look. It doesn't look bad! I wrote it in pen.

SCB: Oh, yeah? Well how about this? Just keep writing it in pen -don't get a fucking tattoo.

The End.

Deep sigh.

Confessions of a Drama Queen

Cookies, please forgive me for terrifying you with my last post. My intention was not to strike fear in your ever-loving hearts that I was slowly wasting away with only a caramel apple empanada to fill my starving, distended belly. :)

We are just on a budget. And we are sticking to it come hell or highwater. And the way J's paychecks fall this month just make the beginning of the month more challenging. Plus, stupid cookie over here decided to pay some bills early and miscalculated the amount of smackaroonies we would need to have this week. Yes, I do teach the future of America.

But we get paid tomorrow, so you can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Thanks for the love.

xoxo

Fabulously Broke

Minus the fabulous.

This is how empty my refrigerator is, I am actually giving the dogs frosted flakes (the generic brand from J's company) as treats (OMG and they LOVE it, they've scratched my legs, jumping and clawing at the bag)and as incentive to get into their cages because I ran out of treats and have $1 to my name until tomorrow. I actually had $2, but last night I got the late night munchies and went to Taco Bell at 12:15 a.m. to get a caramel apple empanada, which I ate while driving back to the house.

We have been eating everything in our cupboards, and I have been taking food from my mom's house, with her permission of course.

I'm so glad tomorrow is payday.

Miami Social = WTF Am I Doing With My Life

Oh. My. Word.

So Bravo has this new program called Miami Social, which started tonight. Critics panned it so I watched it without any expectations, but. It. Is. Awesome.

The only downside? I live in Miami, and my life is not one gazillionth as flashy, fascinating, exciting, or as anything as this.

Here is a sample of a day in the life of Smart Cookie:

Today I went to work, came home, took a nap, ate a slice of toast with peanut butter (not because I'm starving myself, I inhaled a huge piece of cake at my mom's house), and watched TV.

That's it.

I didn't do lunch. I didn't work out. I didn't go to the spa. I didn't go out to a fancy hotel for drinks. I didn't do nothing but live my suburban life. Nothing.

Deep sigh.

Laying in My Own Filfth

Today I have done nothing but lounge in my bed, watching a Law & Order SVU marathon and surfing the internet.

And can I tell you a really gross and disgusting secret?

I haven't even brushed my teeth! Blech! Dirty girl!

I just haven't had the desire to do anything. And I totally should have because not having anything to do causes my mind to wander and dwell on stuff that it shouldn't and therefore heightens my anxiety. Boo! Hiss!

All I need is a couple of cats and piles of newspapers stacked around my bed and I'm one step away from the looney bin.

Deep sigh.

Tomorrow, a shower and then work. If I'm very ambitious, a workout.

But today? Dirty girl it is.

I Love Infomercials!

I know it's probably not cool to admit this, but I LURVE me some infomercials. I've watched the PX90 commercial a zillion times. My cousin C and her boyfriend are actually doing the program. I'm sad that she will be thin and even more beautiful, but lately I have no desire to exercise, so I don't even have the will to care.


Anyhoodle, today as I'm flipping through the channels, I stumbled upon this little gem. How awesome does this look? Not only does it help improve your posture, but it also lifts your boobs and makes them look like luscious melons! As someone with tiny boobies, this is a MIRACLE!


Because of my new frugal state of mind, I'm not going to buy it (boo! hiss!), but a girl can dream.

Feeling Good

SC: Bub, you're driving me CRAZY!

J: Well, that's why you're taking those crazy pills!

Oh, my little love muffin. Just because I'm taking my crazy pills doesn't mean that you should take advantage of any and every opportunity to make me crazy-er.

I started taking my crazy pills on Wednesday. I have to take them with breakfast, and so far the only side effects are some mild drowsiness and a teensy loss of appetite. I say teensy because I feel like the birth-control pills (which I stop taking today, thank God -yesterday I felt like my eggs were trying to kickbox their way out of my ovaries) which I have to take because of my upcoming surgery (to check my fallopian tubes to determine whether or not I have endometriosis and to remove a polyp from my uterine cavity. Don't the words uterine cavity gross you out? I hate saying them) have really increased my appetite.

Anyway. I'm feeling good. Maybe not this good. But pretty good, nontheless.I know that some of it is has to do with just knowing that I'm taking these pills. It makes me feel better because it feels like I'm attempting to do something about my situation. Because according to the doctor, it'll take about 3-4 weeks before I really start feeling better.

And the other part is that this whole craptastic extravaganza has caused me to redirect my focus toward my faith. And that my cookies, that has provided an overwhelming sense of peace and calm.

Like when my aunt turned down the perfect job (7.5 hours = $150/week) and told the people I was interested (which would've helped us out so much and would have ended my search for a part-time job), but then changed her mind and told me she was sorry to be an indian giver and took the job back. I was okay with it. Because I know that God is going to take care of me. I'm not saying that I don't have to do my part. But it is, what it is. And right now? I'm feeling good about it.

So let's run with that, shall we?

Thankfully...

for my new budget, this dress is out of stock.

You see! There is a God! And He wants me to stick to my new budget!

This Is What Happens When I Make a Budget

Oh? That's not what it's used for? Hmmmmm.

J and I have discussed our finances and have made a budget. This is how much money I spent today:

Co-pay: $35

Gas: $40

Lunch: $5-my grandfather gave me $5, but I left it in the car. Stupid girl. But I do have the $5 so I don't know if I should include it. Whatever. I had to run it through my debit card so I'll list it.

Oh, and as an aside, I bought a mango tropichiller from Pollo Tropical (my grandfather was buying), and in my new frugal state of mind, I was like, WTF? Three Dollars! THREE DOLLARS! That's how I know this budget thing is going to stick. Because before I would've been like, three dollars? That's nothing! I'm going to burn three dollars right now! And it didn't even TASTE like mango!

Crazy Pills (Plus cookies, plus cooking oil, plus two cans of tuna): $50

_______________________________________________

GRAND TOTAL: $130

Deep sigh.

Baby steps, cookies. Baby steps.

Well, If I didn't Need Them Before, I Sure as Fuck Need Them Now

PROLOGUE
An excerpt from the drama, Smart Cookie Goes on Anxiety Meds

SCENE: Happy Hour at the local Chilli's

Cousin M.: Oh, thanks for waiting for me guys -I was at the doctor's FOREVER!

SC: What were you doing at the doctor? Getting a second opinion (M had a mass near her thyroid and had to have it removed)?

Cousin M.: Nope! (Holding up a pack of pills)I had to get these!

SC: What are those?

Cousin M: These are pills for my anxiety.

SC: How did you get them? Do you have to go to a special doctor?

Cousin M: Nooooooo. You just go to your GP and tell him you're anxious and he gives them to you.

SC: Hmmmm.

Cousin K: SC, aren't you on anxiety medication?

SC: Um, NO! Why? Do you think I should be?

Cousin K: Um, no. Not really. It's just that you seem like the type of person that would be on anxiety medication.

SC: WHAT?!!!!!

Cousin K: Not in bad way, you're just like a really anxious person.

Cousin C: SC, maybe it's not a bad idea.

Fast forward to today. I've been dealing with lots of stuff lately, stuff that came to a head last week and has raised my anxiety levels to new heights. I can't go in to detail, but rest assured it's stuff that by the grace of God J and I will get through.

Anyhoodle, I had a doctor's appointment this morning. I woke up a little groggy, and I honestly thought about skipping it. I've been praying and meditating and trying to get myself together, so I've been feeling a little bit better. And to be honest, the thought of lounging in bed was tres tempting. Especially when I had no idea when or where my doctor's appointment was.

But. I got up, got dressed, looked up the doctor's address on the internet, and set out.

K. First of all, I live in Florida, and it is mad hot here. Like Africa hot. I'd never been to this doctor's office before, but I had an idea as to where it was. I parked and began walking. And walking. And walking. This doctor's office is in strip mall AND I WALKED THE WHOLE MALL, sweating and stinking furiously, until I finally called the doctor's office and begged for directions. Another five minute walk, and I was there. Finally.

So I get there, cranky as all get out, sign in, and sit down. Thank goodness they had some old Seventeen magazines. While I'm there, I notice that a lot of the patients are children, but I don't think too much of it.

At 9:15, my mom calls,

Mom: Are you coming to work?

SC: What? Aren't you guys still on vacation?

Mom: No, I thought that's what we talked about yesterday.

SC: I thought we were talking about working next week. No problem. I'm on my way.

Mom: No, wait! Where are you?

SC: I'm at the doctor's office, but I'm already getting hysterical, I'll be there in five minutes.

Mom: Oh, no! You stay there! I'll get ready and go to work.

SC: No! I'm already ready to go! I'm walking toward the car!

Mom: Go back in there and get your stuff taken care of!


After half an hour, no one has called my name, no one has asked for my insurance card, no one has given me any paperwork to fill out. My appointment was at 9:00, and it was already 9:30.

So I go to the little window, and I ask for the paperwork. When I sit down, I realize that the paperwork asks about my child. K. No bambinos here. Confused, I continue to stare at the paperwork. I go back to the little window and ask the receptionist how I'm supposed to fill out the paperwork.

SC: What am I supposed to fill out for child? I don't have a child.

Receptionist: Just fill in the name of the child you brought.

SC: But I didn't bring a child.

Receptionist: So just fill your name under where it says mother.

SC: BUT I'M NOT A MOTHER!

Receptionist: Who are you here for?

SC: ME! I'm here for ME!

Receptionist: So why did you register to see the pediatrician?

SC: I DIDN'T register to see the pediatrician. No one helped me, that was the sign in sheet, so that's where I signed.

Receptionist: Oh. Okay. Well then just fill out this.

UGH!

K. So I fill out the paperwork, and when I give it to her, she says, "Smart Cookie, I'm sorry, but I called your insurance and it's inactive."

Kill me. Kill me now. I must have left my current insurance card at home. FML!!!

SC: All right, can I go home and get my other card? I'll be back in twenty minutes.

Receptionist: Ummmm. I don't know. Can't you have someone fax the information?

At this point I am in utter disbelief. Like I have a staff at home waiting for fax instructions. WTF? Are you kidding me?

SC: Um, no. I don't. But if you give me twenty minutes, I'll be right back.

Receptionist: The doctor is really busy. She's got a lot of appointments today.

SC: Really? Are you telling me that I can wait forty minutes for the doctor, but she can't wait twenty minutes for me? Is that what you're saying?

Receptionist: (All huffy) Well, as long as you come back in twenty minutes.

So. Back outside to the suffocating heat, walk the forever distance to my car, get in, speed home, and get my insurance card. Which, Cookies? Is the same fucking insurance card I gave the receptionist! So I'm hysterical, in my driveway, and I call the insurance company to make sure the card is valid, which of course it is. Of course.

By this time, I'm hysterical. If I could've kicked my own ass, I would've. I mean, this is the perfect scenario for anxiety medication. They couldn't have scripted it better.

So I go back. My insurance card (which is the same fucking card I first gave them) is valid. No shit. And then finally. Finally. They call me in.

Two hours from start to finish. And I'm not even going to tell you about my actual appointment.

These pills better be worth it.

This...

is the only thing that keeps me from stabbing myself with a fork.

J, the love of my life is like xanax, sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane.

Better Than Ebay

I found this new ebay-ish site, bonanzle.com. It's like ebay, but you can list your items for free and you only pay a fee when your items sell. It's super easy. I listed a bunch of stuff. Check it out.

Adios, Galleticas!

Off to the Dominican Republic!

xoxo,

Smart Cookie

I've Decided Against Sticking My Head in the Oven

1. I am feeling so much better than I was on Monday. I received muchos love from y'all, my cookies in the blogosphere, my new (old) friends, and a beautiful letter from my BFC (best favorite cousin -I know, my cousin is an attorney and I'm a teacher and we speak like four year olds) titled, "Love for my BFC".

I made a doctor's appointment for the week that we return from the Dominican Republic (yay!) for my annual check-up and to beg, I mean threaten, um ask? for anti-anxiety pills. Because I think I have a problem, and the responsible thing is to take care of it. J is worried, of course. He thinks that I should be able to manage my anxiety, to which I responded,

"For the love of all that's good and holy -do you not know me at all?"

Hopefully I'll get the kind that make me skinny. Just kidding. Kinda. :)

2. I eat alot. That's no secret. On Monday, in a fit of self-loathing, I ate six donuts in the five minute drive from the grocery store to my house. I've gained 10 pounds in the last year and a half. I will concede that five of those pounds were necessary, because I did look like a bobblehead, but the other five are completely excess baggage. I'm trying to reconcile the fact that I will NEVER fit into some of my old pants and that that may not be a bad thing.

Anyhoodle, I have to be on the pill for six weeks, and I'm telling you cookies, I was a piglet before, but these pills are making me a full-blown hog. I used to take them in the morning (one day I ate breakfast @ 8, snack @10:30, snack @ 11, snack @12, and then lunch (finally!) at 1), and I swear all I thought about was food. So now, I'm taking my pills at night. I started that yesterday, and I can already feel a difference.

3. Last night I saw The Proposal with my girlfriends. I had a great time with the girls(I'm hearting you guys!), and the movie was hilarious! Super cute, super charming, super worth it.

4. We're leaving for the Domincan Republic on Sunday. It's going to be our first real vacation in six years. We're both looking forward to days of lounging in the sun, cocktail in hand, loving each other.

5. I'm not going to see a psychic. I've realized that I have to stop being so controlling. The more I try to control my life, the more it spirals out of control. Okay, God, I get it. Stop hitting me over the head with this lesson.

6. You'll notice there are some Google Ads on the site. OMG. So funny. How is it that there are ads for Men's Lingerie and Men's Heels? Say what? Click on them and let me know if it's full out crazy.