I'd Like to Thank the Academy....

I lurve being a winner! Especially when I didn't even know I was nominated! Angela Darling gave me this! How sweet is that?

Thank you! You like me! You really, really like me!

So, thanks!

R.I.P., February 19th -February 28th, 2009

You may remember that I set my Macy's card on fire when I bought this lovely bracelet last week. It was so beautiful! I would take it out of the box and wear it around the house.

Today, I had some errands to run. I got myself all prettied up, and I decided to wear my bracelet. Why only wear it on special occasions? It cost more than any other piece of costume jewelry I'd ever owned, and I thought I should wear it whenever possible.

And I lost it. :( I am so sad. There are no words. And even though I'm pretty sure I lost it at Target, I have no idea where in Target I lost it. I may have lost it while I was testing out a hula hoop (please don't judge me, it was $7.99, but I did not buy it), or while I was choosing sunscreen, or while I was looking for the cheapest alarm clock.

And really? It was so beautiful, I seriously doubt someone would return it. The flowers came together to form a heart on the inside of the bracelet, and the heart held together magnetically. No hook and clasp.

So. R.I.P. I barely knew you, but I loved you truly.

Confessions of a Reformed (At Least for the Duration of Lent) Shopaholic

Oh, lordy. Word on the street is that Lent began yesterday. You know, the whole 40 days/40 nights of sacrificing something -hey, Jesus sacrificed food for 40 effing days (Gosh, I would've been homicidal, using my god powers for all sorts of crazy shizz), giving up one thing should be no big, right?

Anyhoodle, since I've become a Christian, which is pretty much Catholicism without the ritual and about none of the guilt, focusing more on a personal relationship with the big G.O.D., I don't really keep up with Catholic rites of my youth.

But I really love the idea of Lent.

So yesterday at the gym, a fellow gym-goer was bemoaning, quite loudly I might add, the fact that she had given up sweets for Lent. She regaled me with tales of eating six doughnuts in five minutes (like I would be impressed, *rolls eyes) and J is giving up ice cream. Which, I reminded him, he doesn't even eat every day, but he told me he'd been having a craving for it. And then he asked me to stop at Publix and buy him a pint. And although I totally get bingeing before starting the cleanse, um, no.

So I thinked and I thinked and I thinked. What could I possibly give up? What do I LOVE to do that I could consider a sacrifice? Hmmmm.

I don't know about you, but I was stumped.

Um, well, not really. Obviously. I know what I love more than anything. What would really hurt me (but would definitely help my bank balance and my closet).

I have to do it, cookies. I am giving up shopping for Lent.

I've tried to give it up about three times in the past, and I've only experienced success once. But for God? For Lent? I'm really going to give it a go.

But I couldn't give it up without one last binge. I mean, I had no idea Lent was starting. I had no time to prepare! It's like not studying and having a test. It's like, not being able to wear your most perfect-est dress because you didn't shave your legs. Or like going on a diet before cramming yourself full of delicious gazillion calorie treats. Or going to rehab before one last eight ball (or something like that. everything I know about drugs I've learned from Intervention or Celebrity Rehab or Lindsay Lohan updates on Perezhilton.com)Or like deciding to take a hiatus from shopping without buying yourself one last little something. Ahem. *coughs.

I could NOT start Lent cold turkey. I would NOT start Lent without some planning.

So I bought myself this:


In white, too!



And, um, this:




And in teal as well (it really is much cuter in person). *has the decency to look embarrassed.


Do not fret my cookies, I had a 25% off coupon.


And so. Lent starts....NOW!

How about you? How are celebrating this Lent-astic season?


Cheater, cheater pumpkin eater. Books will not count in this whole ixnay on the oppingshay business. Gosh, I'm not shopping, I might as well be reading.

Pooped

Too tired to write my own thoughts -I've got a great one about Lent, but tomorrow cookies, tomorrow, I thought I'd redirect you to this little gem.

My friend Claudia just wrote the most HILARIOUS blog entry about getting a haircut -which looks fricking awesome, by the way! Totally Team C. I'm SO jealous! My hair would look like this if I ever cut it short:-Sally Field, not Julia Roberts (wasn't J.R. so cute back then? my word! she's gotten so douche-y ever since she stole that poor woman's husband). My hair is frizzy and poufy, and goodness I would look like a mushroom. Very unattractive.

Anyhoodle, it's so funny, I wish I would've written it. Minus the, um, haircutting part, which I guess defeats the purpose. It's genius, and if I ever write a book, fiction or memoir-esque, I am definitely including it.

Enjoy!

Because I'm Paranoid

Hot damn! I'm removing all my posts (at least the most recent, most blatantly obvious) about the LeDouchetards. I've got some incriminating smack, and even though I write under a pseudonym, I don't want this shizz to come back and bite me on my heiny.


So if you read it, good. And if you didn't, no big. Happier times are ahead, my friends. Happier times. :)

Because I AM SO UPSET!

and buying myself things is the only thing that makes me happy (besides Joe, but I can't carry him like a handbag or wear him like a pair of earrings).

This purse is $89.99 and is available at Fashion Flairs. Lately, I'm loving the color purple. I like it lots. But I don't LOVE it. I guess you could say, "I'm just not that into you (it)." These two pairs of Juicy Couture earrings are so beautiful! I have a horrible confession to make. I set my Macys card on fire last week and I bought this bracelet. It's even more beautiful in person, and I know I'll be wearing it often. Hell, for that price I better be sleeping in it. Anyhoodle, I'm still deeply enamoured with the Juicy Couture spring line. I'm especially loving the daisy earrings.

I've been stalking this handbag for the last three days. I visit it every time I log on, kinda like a puppy in the window of a pet store. It has a little bit of a retro feel to it. It's $58 smackaroonies, and I'm thinking I can get it if I allocate this week's tutoring salary toward it.

I tutor a fifth grader once a week for a cool $45. It's one hour, and it enables me to get a manicure/pedicure or go to Forever 21 or buy myself random stuff at Walgreens without any guilt.

So. This week, I have a feeling it's between the bag and the daisy earrings. Let me know, what's your vote?

And by the way, thank you, Mrs. LeDouchetard. Not only am I skinnier than your fat ass, but I'm also going to look way cuter. Put that in your fat ass and smoke it.

Book Club = Happy Times

Photo Courtesy of Chrissy via FACEBOOK (um, without permission, but I assumed it would be okay)

FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: Amanda, Patty, Sheila, Claudia, Chrissy, Smart Cookie (k, let me just state for the record that I had NO IDEA that that top I was sporting was so booby-licious. Seriously, who do I think I am, J.LO?), Lisette

Last night was our first bookclub meeting, and despite all my fretting, it turned out to be just as much fun, if not more, than I had anticipated. All the cleaning and worrying and suicide threats were totally worth it. And my biggest fear, sitting alone in a clean house full of lit candles with a glass of wine, being sad-face and lonely because nobody showed up was, as always, just a product of my overactive, pessimistic, seriously crazy imagination. Thankfully.

Really, it turned out to be more of a mini-reunion than an actual bookclub -we discussed the book for a total of five minutes, maybe. Out of seven of us, only four of us managed to read the whole book. And to be fair, three out of the four who read the book are without bambinos, which makes it, I'm sure, a smidge easier to read.

It was a serious trip down memory lane. We talked about so many people that I don't even remember that I seriously felt the need to dig out my high school yearbook and look a bunch of these people up. Seriously, did I go to the same high school as some of these guys? Where was I when all this drama was going down?

Something that I found really amazing and really enjoyed was how open we all were about discussing our fears and insecurities when we were younger. And how it sometimes takes growing up to realize that the uber popular cheerleader and more (Chrissy, that's you, baby!) had the same feelings of doubt as the quiet girl, the free spirit, the stalker (your words! not mine! But really maybe you could go into the private eye business), and all the other types that exist in every single high school across America, a la Breakfast Club.



We ate delicious snacks (Chrissy, J LOVED the tomatoes and mozzarella. Quel surprise, right? Those I-talians! SO predictable!) and drank wine. I drank so much wine (three glasses on a school night, whoa -nelly!) that I woke up in the middle of the night with a seriously dry mouth, and too lazy to wake up, I tried to gather up enough spit in my mouth to swallow and alleviate the cottonball-ness of it all. How gross can I get, right? Oh, and there was one moment in the middle of the meeting, that I was attempting to pour myself some more vino. It was a small bottle, and since there were seven of us, I didn't want to hog it all, so I tried to pour myself a tasty little driblet. I was gently pouring. And gently pouring. And nothing came out. How odd! Um, until I realized I still had the cap on. All this after only two glasses! Lightweight.

You know how I had mentioned the mess that were my closets, cabinets, and drawers? I actually considered pinning a blindfold next to the kitchen closet and making whoever opened the closet to throw out trash put it on so as not to see the chaos behind closed doors. I didn't do that (that's kinda crazy talk, no?), but whenever anyone opened the closet to throw out garbage, I sidled up behind them and whispered, "Just look down! Don't look up!" No. I really did. I whispered this to Claudia while she was throwing out something, and I must've caught her offguard, or maybe she's just really good at following directions, because she, um, dropped the trash on the floor accidentally. What did I expect?

It was just a really great time. My friends are usually a couple of years older or younger than I am, and that can sometimes result in a big difference in life experiences and expectations. Meeting with these AWESOME women made me feel proud of the women we are, and how far we've come.

Because Shoppping is Like Planting Crops...

A la Confessions of a Shopaholic (the novel, not the movie), shopping is like planting crops. You need to operate on a crop cycle, so to speak. You can't always buy shoes. Or bags. Or makeup. You need to rotate. Diversify.

Right now, I am on a MAJOR jewelry kick.

Perhaps it's because my baby brother is getting married in May, and I am wearing this beautiful J.Crew dress and every waking moment is dedicated to finding accessories to completing my look. There's nothing that this Smart Cookie loves more than getting dressed up. And getting dressed up and being seen by friends and family in a picture-taking capacity? Um, my favorite!

It fits really well, but I still have to have the bust taken in about an inch to accomodate my heaving bosoms (insert sarcasm here). It ain't easy carrying these A cups.

Anyhoodle, last week J and I went to Lincoln Road to celebrate Valentine's Day. And of course, because it was Valentine's, J let me go into EVERY single store I wanted and did not moan or groan. At least not out loud. That I know of.

I spent about half an hour in Anthropologie, oohing and ahhing over everything. Goodness, I could LIVE in that store. Picking up items (it's Valentine's Day, why not?) and putting them back (we're in a recession, dummy). But I had to leave with something. So I bought a lovely necklace. It was on sale, but it wasn't cheap. At least not Forever 21 cheap, which is my favorite kind of cheap.

Since then, I have been trolling the anthropologie website and lusting over these necklaces. They're absolutely beautiful and sophisticated, and they definitely make a statement. Bonus, they are not ridiculously expensive. I don't usually wear fashion jewelry -I have a ton thanks to Forever 21, but I hate taking off my earrings or diamond cross. So unless it's a special occasion where I'm going to see and be seen, I don't utilize all my fun pieces nearly often enough. Because of the specialness of the occasion, I want something a little fancier.

I'm really loving this one, and I totally think it's the front-runner. I especially love how it will contrast with the lemony-lime of the dress.


This one is just a bunch of pinky deliciousness.

This lavendar one is very similar, but the color -oh the color! It's loveliness embodied. I'm torn! So torn! I guess it might help if I already knew what shoes I was going to wear. Nothing new, mes amis. I have two beautiful pairs of heels to shoes from (get it?), and I'm not going to purchase a new pair.

Any suggestions?

Kill Me Now

So sometimes I get these really great ideas. Like, um, I don't know, starting a book club. Which is all well and good. In theory. I've been excited about it for the last four weeks.

But now? Now I am freaking the frig out. I have been cleaning and cleaning. No easy feat with three rambunctious dogs, who shed crazily. And I'm studying every bit of my house like an escaped OCD patient. The metal thingies on the stove are disgusting. DISGUSTING. Do NOT look in the microwave -it's dirty! Do not open a closet or cabinet door -I've shoved all the clutter into any available space. Dangerous. And my room? Totally off limits. It's a mess. And the mess is making crazy. Because people are coming to my home and I don't want them to think I'm a dirty girl. The stress is unbearable.

And today? Today, the stress made me eat McDonald's. I am hosting a book club tomorrow where the topic of discussion will be fitness and healthy eating and I ATE MCDONALD'S. I ATE MCDONALD'S. Oh my word. The horror.*

And the thing is, I KNOW it will be fun! I KNOW it will. This is just my usual M.O. It goes something like this:

1. Invite people over.
2. Talk about how excited I am to have said people over.
3. Clean house.
4. Freak out about cleaning house.
5. Be completely overwhelmed by cleaning the house.
6. Wish for new things. Patio furniture, French doors, rugs, curtains, furniture, plasma TV, bookshelves, living plants, and a cleaning lady.
7. Regret inviting people over.
8. Consider killing myself.
9. Cry. A little.
10. Get ready.
11. Dread the minutes before anyone knocks on the door.
12. Have a great time and forget all prior insanity.

K, just another 20 hours to go.

*It was secretly delicious. Gosh, sometimes a girl just needs McDonald's.

Dear Mr. President(s),

Just a quick note to thank you for the day off! And to show you my true, undying gratitude, I'd like to share with you what a productive day it was!

*I went to Marshall's this morning. I was looking for house stuff. I have a book club meeting this Wednesday (our first one!), and I wanted to buy some odds and ends. Whenever I have people over, I always start fretting about my petit chez and whether people will like it or not. The inside is bright. Kinda like a crayola box.

I also worry about all the silly things no one ever really notices, but after writing this, I guess people will. I study the walls that are smeared with dirt (no babies, just puppies) and the baseboards that are so grimy. I start wishing for granite counters and hardwood floors and carpets and curtains and french doors. None of which they sell at Marshall's. I mean, they sell carpets, but not any of the other stuff.

Anyhoodle, I bought two pillows, an organizer for our mail, some hand towels, a picture wall covering, some jars for the bathroom (to hold cotton balls, floss picks, and q-tips), and some other random stuff that was somehow incredibly necessary at the time.

*I went to Forever 21 and bought this green t-shirt -$4.80! Friday is field day, and our class color is green. I had some left over iron-on letters from the time I was sure I was pregnant and made my family onesies (this was three years ago so it's not SO SAD), and I made this! Voila! Super easy, super cheap, super fun.

*I went to the Gymboree outlet and bought presents for J's goddaughter in Buffalo, and I stopped at Pac-Sun to buy a giftcard for our nephew.

*THEN, I went to Publix. I bought some food for the aforementioned bookclub. Nothing fancy. Just the ingredients for the tomato pie, some carrots and hummus, grapes and cheese, and some other odds and ends.

*I got home and put everything away.

*I cleaned the kitchen.

*I took a nap. Well, jeez! I'd already done a bunch!

*I went spinning! Oh, yes! I've been thinking of cancelling my gym membership. I haven't been to the gym in about six weeks. Since December 31st to be exact. And anyway, J and I had started The Plan. Why would I need a gym membership? But that's turned out exactly as I had feared it would. With me asking J if we're going running today, and with J sprawled on the bed telling me he's too tired. So. Needless to say I'm glad I didn't cancel it. And the spinning class? Totally kicked my ass. Totally.

*I made J a delicious dinner. Steak and caesar salad.

As you can see, I didn't fritter the day away. I think you'd agree that I used it wisely. So thank you Mr. President(s). Thank you.

Sincerely,

Smart Cookie

Well, duh! I obviously have a problem!

After watching Confessions of a Shopaholic with J (a sweet Valentine's day gift from my beloved, especially considering his aversion to movie theaters, and specifically chick flicks), I've realized that I have a major problem and should perhaps be attending some sort of 12 Step Program. "Hi, my name is Smart Cookie, and I'm a shopaholic. Please help me refrain from purchasing the following:

This Juicy Couture bracelet is so many delicious adjectives, I'm having a hard time limiting my choices. Fresh, vibrant, charming. *Deep sigh. How lovely this would look wrapped around my delicate wrist! But it's -are you ready for it? $98. That might not be so many smackaroonies, but for a piece of costume jewelry? Hmmmm. Not so sure. Maybe if I love my J.Crew dress. This ring is also from the Juicy Couture jewelry line. Goodness, their designers should get a huge raise for designing all these beautiful pieces. Oops. On second thought, in this economy, maybe just getting to keep their jobs would be the bonus. I don't usually wear any rings besides my engagement ring, wedding band, and anniversay ring. So at $98, the cost/wear would not justify the purchase of this ring. But I lurve the coral and the little butterfly! So precious!

I would never buy these Steve Madden shoes. At least not for the retail price of $109.95. Yowza! And, since they're ridiculously impractical for the life I live, I will have to hope that they go onsale or that they will be overstocked and then purchased by my most favorite-est discount retailer, Marshall's. That's happened at least twice with former Steve Madden shoe purchases. And I always want to kill myself. Figuratively.

Help! Save me from myself!

Happy Valentine's Day, Love

If You Forget Me

By: Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

Just wondering....

Is this how you'll feel?

J.Crew = Happy Thoughts

I have re-fallen in love with J.Crew. I seriously heart their effortlessly super-chicly styled clothes and their beautifully bold colors -the chartreuse is absolutely drool-worthy. Sadly, J.Crew is completely out of my price range. I can only afford it, barely, if it's on sale. Here are some things that I'm currently smitten with:

Ooooh. I love these shiny shoes. But even on sale at $120 they are too pricey . It's not that I wouldn't splurge, but they're not every day shoes. They are sit in my closet and only come out on special occasion shoes.

They're called Claudia. Just like moi (well, you didn't think my real name was Smart Cookie, no?). Coincidence? Or fate? You decide.

This eyelet miniskirt is $98. But I lurve it. And I lurve how it's styled so casually cool.
My baby brother is getting married in May, and I ordered both of these dresses this week. Actually, it's the same dress, just in two different colors. But, duh, you can see that. Anyhoodle, I ordered them in two different sizes. I'm hoping that 1) the dress fits and makes me look lovely and 2) that I can actually choose between these two delicious colors.

My brother is having a late afternoon wedding, and I know that I can dress these babies up or down, if need be. Keep you fingers crossed!

Epiphany

I have been in a mood. In a snit. With my panties in a knot. With my obnoxiously underwhelming life that has become suffocatingly overwhelming, and which has, the past few days, felt like a maltov cocktail of wicked PMS piled high with a steaming load of crap, topped off with a gazillion tiny hurts.

It has been everything, really. But my job, mainly.

This is one of my favorite commercials. Because it is complete and utter bullshit. Oh, pardonnez my francais. Let me clarify. It would be bullshit if it were my class. Instead of students happily working together, fully engaged in a fun and educational class project, my students would be asking me the same question a gazillion times, fighting over who got to do what, tattle-taling, dropping stuff on the floor, mismeasuring, and most definitely, sneezing, coughing, and picking their noses. Oh, hell yes! WELCOME TO MY WORLD!


Enjoy the illusion, and just know that I am working in a parallel universe, where this is like a dream. Elusive and unreal.

Oh, I almost forgot. The epiphany. I need to get over this dramz, but quick. This is not the life I ordered. I'm sending this steaming stew of poop back and taking control of my life again. I'm tired of letting dumbasses dictate the way shit is going to go down. They don't know me. And let me tell you. This bitch is back. So watch it*.

*K, I am normally not so angry, but I think it's good to take control and assert myself. And I like to do that with strong language and profanity. Sue me.

The Plan

NOTE: I started this post last week, hence it magically appearing on your computer today and breaking the rules of the time/space continuum.

J and I decided to start what we like to call, THE PLAN. Seeing as how January was a bust for any kind of resolution keeping, We're starting tomorrow.

Now, I'm not going to start by telling you how much I weigh. I weighed myself this morning, and honestly, if the bathroom wasn't such a germ hole, I would've thrown myself on the floor in the fetal position and wept. I am too ashamed to post it. Oh, the horror. Instead, I'm going to fill you in on my dirty little secret, the real reason I'm gaining instead of losing weight. Really, I should be more ashamed to post this than my weight, but here goes.

Last night, J and I went to Benihana for dinner. Because it's so pricey AND fattening, we only go every couple of months. But we really needed some quiet, lovey time (we sat in a booth, not at a table). So. This is what I ate. I ate my entire meal -soup, salad, vegetables, filet mignon, and fried rice. I ATE ALL OF IT. I LEFT NOTHING. Plus, I had a mango saketini. Yum. I was so full, that dessert was way out of the question.

J had mentioned earlier that we should have hot chocolate and doughnuts for dessert because it was so chilly outside. I was a little less sure and told him that it sounded like a recipe for straight-up diarrhea. Anyway, we were so stuffed after our meal, I told him that if he wanted to go to Publix, I wasn't going to get down and shop while he waited in the car, so we just went home.

But after an hour of watching the Heroes marathon on G4, he got up and said he was going to Publix. He brought me a six-pack of Krispy Kreme, AND I ATE THE WHOLE THING. I know, are you horrified, yet? Are you wondering how I didn't just go into a diabetic coma? Me, too.

So. We are planning to jog 3-4x/week. We'll see how that goes. When you've been inactive as long as we have, it's much easier to remain Fatties McButterpants than actually get your ass in gear.

UPDATE: K, that was last week, and we've actually been doing it. Last week we only jogged Monday and Saturday (I strength-trained Tuesday & Thursday), and this week I jogged on Sunday, and we both jogged on Monday. So it's really kinda working. I'm not as active as I would like to be, but instead of focusing on losing weight, I'm going to focus on toning up. That way I don't have to commit myself to the insane asylum. :)

Loose-y Goose-y

So. I was planning on bitching and moaning about a buttload of topics. Or maybe just these two.

Like the fact that FPL (Florida Power & Light for those of you not in the know) is threatening to shut off my power if I don't pay them $98 by Monday. This despite the fact that they made me pay them a $500 security deposit in December because we had paid some of our electric bills late. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, well, you didn't always pay them on time. And I'd have to say, yes. I didn't always pay them on the due date. BUT I ALWAYS PAID THEM.

Or the fact that Mr. & Mrs. LeDouchetard had their son evaluated by a psychologist, and guess what? Guess who has ADD just like his teacher said? So. When I met with Mrs. LeDouchetard yesterday (Mr. LeDouchetard, praise baby Jesus, was stuck at home taking care of the vomit-y baby) to discuss the psychologist's evaluation, I was totally expecting her to be all sorry and you were right and I'm sorry for not getting you a card for Christmas because I'm so grateful that you know your business and you're not talking out of your ass. WRONG! This bitch had the nerve, THE NERVE, to talk to me as if she's INFORMING me about crap we've discussed, ad nauseum, for months and months and months. Once a douche, always a douche.

I WAS going to kvetch about all that, but I got the most delicious-est massage today. I feel like jelly. My muscles are all loose-y goose-y. And so. The aforementioned assholes can just suck it.

No point in killing my buzz.