Well, If I didn't Need Them Before, I Sure as Fuck Need Them Now

PROLOGUE
An excerpt from the drama, Smart Cookie Goes on Anxiety Meds

SCENE: Happy Hour at the local Chilli's

Cousin M.: Oh, thanks for waiting for me guys -I was at the doctor's FOREVER!

SC: What were you doing at the doctor? Getting a second opinion (M had a mass near her thyroid and had to have it removed)?

Cousin M.: Nope! (Holding up a pack of pills)I had to get these!

SC: What are those?

Cousin M: These are pills for my anxiety.

SC: How did you get them? Do you have to go to a special doctor?

Cousin M: Nooooooo. You just go to your GP and tell him you're anxious and he gives them to you.

SC: Hmmmm.

Cousin K: SC, aren't you on anxiety medication?

SC: Um, NO! Why? Do you think I should be?

Cousin K: Um, no. Not really. It's just that you seem like the type of person that would be on anxiety medication.

SC: WHAT?!!!!!

Cousin K: Not in bad way, you're just like a really anxious person.

Cousin C: SC, maybe it's not a bad idea.

Fast forward to today. I've been dealing with lots of stuff lately, stuff that came to a head last week and has raised my anxiety levels to new heights. I can't go in to detail, but rest assured it's stuff that by the grace of God J and I will get through.

Anyhoodle, I had a doctor's appointment this morning. I woke up a little groggy, and I honestly thought about skipping it. I've been praying and meditating and trying to get myself together, so I've been feeling a little bit better. And to be honest, the thought of lounging in bed was tres tempting. Especially when I had no idea when or where my doctor's appointment was.

But. I got up, got dressed, looked up the doctor's address on the internet, and set out.

K. First of all, I live in Florida, and it is mad hot here. Like Africa hot. I'd never been to this doctor's office before, but I had an idea as to where it was. I parked and began walking. And walking. And walking. This doctor's office is in strip mall AND I WALKED THE WHOLE MALL, sweating and stinking furiously, until I finally called the doctor's office and begged for directions. Another five minute walk, and I was there. Finally.

So I get there, cranky as all get out, sign in, and sit down. Thank goodness they had some old Seventeen magazines. While I'm there, I notice that a lot of the patients are children, but I don't think too much of it.

At 9:15, my mom calls,

Mom: Are you coming to work?

SC: What? Aren't you guys still on vacation?

Mom: No, I thought that's what we talked about yesterday.

SC: I thought we were talking about working next week. No problem. I'm on my way.

Mom: No, wait! Where are you?

SC: I'm at the doctor's office, but I'm already getting hysterical, I'll be there in five minutes.

Mom: Oh, no! You stay there! I'll get ready and go to work.

SC: No! I'm already ready to go! I'm walking toward the car!

Mom: Go back in there and get your stuff taken care of!


After half an hour, no one has called my name, no one has asked for my insurance card, no one has given me any paperwork to fill out. My appointment was at 9:00, and it was already 9:30.

So I go to the little window, and I ask for the paperwork. When I sit down, I realize that the paperwork asks about my child. K. No bambinos here. Confused, I continue to stare at the paperwork. I go back to the little window and ask the receptionist how I'm supposed to fill out the paperwork.

SC: What am I supposed to fill out for child? I don't have a child.

Receptionist: Just fill in the name of the child you brought.

SC: But I didn't bring a child.

Receptionist: So just fill your name under where it says mother.

SC: BUT I'M NOT A MOTHER!

Receptionist: Who are you here for?

SC: ME! I'm here for ME!

Receptionist: So why did you register to see the pediatrician?

SC: I DIDN'T register to see the pediatrician. No one helped me, that was the sign in sheet, so that's where I signed.

Receptionist: Oh. Okay. Well then just fill out this.

UGH!

K. So I fill out the paperwork, and when I give it to her, she says, "Smart Cookie, I'm sorry, but I called your insurance and it's inactive."

Kill me. Kill me now. I must have left my current insurance card at home. FML!!!

SC: All right, can I go home and get my other card? I'll be back in twenty minutes.

Receptionist: Ummmm. I don't know. Can't you have someone fax the information?

At this point I am in utter disbelief. Like I have a staff at home waiting for fax instructions. WTF? Are you kidding me?

SC: Um, no. I don't. But if you give me twenty minutes, I'll be right back.

Receptionist: The doctor is really busy. She's got a lot of appointments today.

SC: Really? Are you telling me that I can wait forty minutes for the doctor, but she can't wait twenty minutes for me? Is that what you're saying?

Receptionist: (All huffy) Well, as long as you come back in twenty minutes.

So. Back outside to the suffocating heat, walk the forever distance to my car, get in, speed home, and get my insurance card. Which, Cookies? Is the same fucking insurance card I gave the receptionist! So I'm hysterical, in my driveway, and I call the insurance company to make sure the card is valid, which of course it is. Of course.

By this time, I'm hysterical. If I could've kicked my own ass, I would've. I mean, this is the perfect scenario for anxiety medication. They couldn't have scripted it better.

So I go back. My insurance card (which is the same fucking card I first gave them) is valid. No shit. And then finally. Finally. They call me in.

Two hours from start to finish. And I'm not even going to tell you about my actual appointment.

These pills better be worth it.