Change of Pace

Starting a new blog, my loves.

Been weathering a storm and have had a hard time posting.

Time to change my focus.

So check it out.

http://www.thehappyheartproject.blogspot.com

And tell a friend.

Jackie Warner is a Sugar Nazi

I love this bitch!

To be honest, I think she's too skinny and too muscle-y, but she still has an amazing body.

I watched Thintervention this morning, and my favorite scene was when Jackie made Sugar Bitch run up and down the stairs to burn off the two cookies he ate.

And then she's like, "Was it worth it? Was it worth it?"

Well, not now!

Being a Sugar Bitch myself, I can totally relate. I've been trying to cut out sugar for the last few months. Unfortunately, the more stressed I am, the more sugar I crave.

But.

I'm going to keep track of Sugar Bitch's progress.

I'm guessing, if he can do it, I can do it.

We'll see how this unfolds.

Bus Thrower

So I've mentioned that I've started my new job. This is my fifth week, and so far, I like it muchos.

But I've made a buttload of mistakes.

Like:

Sending a letter without postage.

Failing to deduct $100,000 from my boss's check registrar.

Failing to double-check whether a fax had been sent.*

Putting things in the calendar incorrectly.

And the list goes on and on and on.

Luckily, my boss is super understanding. And like he says (often, I might add), "I bet you'll never make that mistake again."

Anyhoodle, back to Bus Thrower (he's nowhere near as diabolical as LeDouchetard, but I guess when you've made such a ginormous mistake, anyone is fair game).

Bus Thrower is the accountant.

Bus Thrower "misplaced" a bunch of checks.

Like twelve.

FOUR WEEKS AGO!

Sucks for him, right?

The other day he revved up his bus engines and said, "Did you leave the checks when you went to the Big Cheese's house?"

And I shut that bitch down and said, "Oh, you mean when I WENT WITH YOU? The stack of papers that YOU gave me? When I WENT WITH YOU? On my second day of work?"

So he backpedals and says, "Oh, I just thought maybe you had an idea where they were."

To which I replied, "Um, no. But feel free to go through my desk and see if you find anything."

End of Story.

Or so I thought.

Today, I hear him telling the Big Cheese he can't find the checks, and that maybe I left them at the Big Cheese's house.

He was totally throwing me under the bus. Totally!

So the Big Cheese, who apparently has infinite patience when it comes to the charming fuck-up he hired (also known as moi), very kindly asks, "SC, did you drop off the papers in my office? Do you remember seeing a folder or an envelope?"

Um. NO!

I tell the Big Cheese the same thing that I told Bus Thrower. "I went to your house with Bus Thrower and put the papers he had me hold on your desk. I'm sorry, but I don't know what was in those papers."

Hello? I make enough mistakes by myself without adding the mistake of MISPLACING TWELVE CHECKS FOUR WEEKS AGO!

I mean, hot damn! Hell to the no.

So I think my boss believed me.

And you can bet your ass I'm not going to trust Bus Thrower.

*In my defense, bus thrower also "taught" me how to fax. I didn't want to seem like an idiot, so before I faxed some important documents, I asked him if I was doing it correctly. He was all like, "Yeah, sure. You're doing it right." And I said, "Really? I don't want to seem like a moron, but I know all fax machines are different." And he said, "No, no -you're doing it right!" And then, when my boss called and asked if the checks would be ready for his meeting, I called the office and found out they had never received my fax! Oh. My. Word. I turned five shades of white and felt my heart drop to my belly. And then! When I said, "Hey, Bus Thrower -you taught me how to do it wrong!" He said, "No, I didn't. And anyway, you should've checked for the fax confirmation." Wow.

This Little Piggy Went to Market

Yesterday I bought these booties for my goddaughter.

And today, while browsing online, I found the matching hat. It'll be here next week.

How could I not?

I seriously need to restrain myself when it comes to buying stuff for her.

But, um. Yeah. That's not going to happen. :)

You've Got Mail

The other day I was flipping through the channels when I heard this,


Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small
life -well, valuable, but small -and sometimes I wonder do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave. So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a
book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void.
So good night, dear void.

-Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail



And it really resonanted.

I wonder.

About my life.

Like, shouldn't I want to run a marathon? Or parachute out of a plane? Or travel to India? Or go on safari?

Because I don't.

And I'm not really sure if that's a reflection of me.

I want big things.

But I guess the term "big things" is relative.

Something to think about.

Baby Steps

1. I got a new job!

2. I'm an executive assistant.

3. My new boss is a maltov cocktail of Miranda Priestly, Mr. Pitt, and Jeff Lewis.

4. I find him ridiculously charming and neurotic.

5. Especially when he asks me to book his haircut.

6. But I love my job.

7. And I'm really happy.

8. I get to go to the bathroom WHENEVER I want.

9. And if I don't bring my lunch, I get to eat lunch at a real restaurant.

10. With airconditioning!

11. Now my shopping addiction has changed from floaty dresses to work clothes.

12. I'm currently loving, LOVING Ann Taylor Loft.

13. My old work BFF works there.

14. I'm driving her crazy with my requests.

15. She gets 40% off regular priced merchandise!

16. I used to think work clothes were a waste of money.

17. But that was before I got to wear big girl clothes and shiny heels.

18. These are my new must have shoes:

19. I can't get them yet because I already bought a pair of brown must have shoes.

20. Boo.

21. Hoo.

22. My BFF had a baby.

23. She's really cute.

24. And I'm not saying that just because J and I are the godparents.

25. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would.

26. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at all.

27. J and I are seeing a fertility specialist.

28. It's a lot of work.

29. And it stresses me out.

30. At last week's appointment, I bit my nails to the quick.

31. Because I'm the only one that has to worry about taking pills and what I eat and making my appointments.

32. Even though I'm fatter than ever.

33. Because stress makes me CRAVE sugar.

34. It's always on my mind.

35. Sometimes I think J just wants a baby now because our BFF's have one.

36. But when he rubs my belly and says, "Hi, babies!" it melts my heart.

37. Yes, babies. Plural.

38. You know, multiple eggs = increased chances of multiple births.

39. I'm trying to be a happier girl.

40. I've got a good life.

41. But there are a lot of ups and downs.

42. Sometimes I'm on top of the world.

43. And then I slip and I'm in the deep pits of despair.

44. I'd like to reach a happy medium.

45. Let's just say, I'm a work in progress.

Numb

My period was four days late this cycle.

Four days.

I got it this morning.

I don't know what hurts more. Getting it, or four whole days of dreaming how my life would change.

There's a hole in my heart.

Quote-y Quotables

Coming from a family where hysteria is pretty high up there on our personality trait list, my mother and my sister had this little exchange this morning:

Mother: How did you do on your test?
*My sister is studying to be a physical therapist.

Sister: I did okay, I got a 77. Eh. Not so bad because the class average was 79.

Mother: Is that the one you were crying about the other day?

Sister: Um, I cry every day. Which day are you referring to?

Lord, I love my family.

Happy weekend, cookies!

From the Desk of the Barren and Currently Unemployed

Yowza! That's quite a catchy title, no? Methinks it's a bit dramatical, but the few days before I get my period are a bonanza of crying and drama -so maybe not, really.

I'm not a huge fan of putting my sad-face girl feelings out to God and the universe. For sure I like to believe that the love and energy you send is what you receive, and in this case, what I'd be receiving is obviously not so bueno, but it's how I'm feeling. At least right now.

The only good thing about not getting my period is that it's another inane reason for me to buy myself totally ridiculous things. Hmmmm. Let's see, Mother Nature: 84, Smart Cookie: 0, Smart Cookie's Closet: Full to Bursting.

Clearly, there are no winners.

But, since it seems that history is most likely going to repeat itself this month, this lovely dress from anthropologie is warming my poor, cold, dead heart.

If it weren't for the fact that I'm getting my hair done on Wednesday, and that duh! I'm unemployed, I wouldn't even think twice about inputting my debit digits.

But for now, like the baby I've been wanting for what seems like forever, I'll have to wait.

25 Things

1. I like bacon and pork, but I hate ham.
2. I have lots of different make-up, but I always go for the same look -rosy cheeks, smoky-ish eyes, and a glossy lip.
3. This is probably because my lips are tiny, bordering on non-existent.
4. I love dresses. I recently bought this one at Target. It looks much cuter on. I'm wearing it with a wide brown belt, a chartreuse cardigan, and these shoes.
5. I am addicted to my Blackberry.
6. I'm starting to hate Facebook, but the nosey parker in me can't bring myself to delete my account.
7. The depression that I've suffered this year because of my infertility has been unbearable. I'm grateful to my therapist and how she's helped me cope with my diagnosis and subsequent sadness and anxiety.
8. Although I'm nervous about not already having a job lined up, I'm grateful that I'll no longer be at my current job. I liken it to being in an abusive relationship and finally breaking free.
9. I don't think I'll ever be as thin as I was two years ago.
10. But that's okay because I got these great boobs.
11. I always thought that I never had close friends because I was such a difficult person. After finding my FF, I realize that I just never met someone as awesome as me. ;)
12. I can forgive, but I never forget. I love deeply, but once I feel like I've been betrayed, it's soooo over.
13. I wish I could keep my WHOLE house clean at the same time. As it is, if the bedrooms are clean, the living room is not. If the bathrooms are clean, the kitchen is a mess. It's like the space-time continuum will collapse if the entire house is neat.
14. Right now, my car looks like an episode of Hoarders. I start to hyperventilate at the thought of having passengers.
15. I love acupuncture. It completely relaxes me. I have a hard time falling asleep, but I can fall asleep on my back full of needles when I'm there.
16. I'm convinced that if I get pregnant, I'm going to have a boy.
17. I wish I could dance like they do on America's Best Dance Crew.
18. I think Glee should be shown at mental hospitals. It's such a happy show.
19. Last week, S told me that one of her students purposely got up from her desk and told another student, "I want to punch you in the face." At first, I thought, "How could anyone say that? Who does that?" Then I remembered, I would say that to Mrs. LeDouchetard in a heartbeat.
20. If I could afford it, I would shop exclusively at J.Crew and Anthropologie.
21. I think I'm getting too old for Forever 21.
22. Lemondrop martinis are my weakness.
23. Sometimes I worry that I will never really be able to relax.
24. I love to sit in the sun.
25. Hope breaks my heart. But it's the only thing that keeps me going.

Coming Up For Air

I've been so busy the past couple of weeks, and it only looks like I'm going to get busier.

I keep telling myself, "When school's over, I'll relax." But then I remember, when school's over, I'm going to work part-time with my parents. And when school's over, I'm still going to tutor. And when school's over, I still have to work at night.

I feel guilty telling my therapist and acupuncturist I'll slow down, when I know that really, I can't. This makes me incredibly nervous when it comes to this whole baby-making business, which will most likely be kicked into high gear at the end of June.

Add in the fact that my grandmother's health is rapidly failing and J and I promised my grandfather we would move in when she passed, and you've got a cocktail of anxiety brewing underneath the surface.

Deep breath.

Other than that, here's what else is new in my world:

*I lost my mind this past weekend and organized all my kitchen cabinets and drawers. I also cleaned out the small guest bathroom where I get my hair and make-up did each morning AND emptied out my bookcase. Four garbage bags (who knew we had so many cables and batteries?) and two ginormous boxes of books later, I was done. I hate organizing, but I love the finished result. Now to tackle the master and guest bedrooms.

*I bought these J.Crew shoes. And they are just as lovely in person as they look online.

*I haven't lost a lot of weight, but I haven't gained any weight either. I hope to make it under 150 pounds soon.

*J's birthday is Friday! He is turning 38!

*I found this really amazing infertility blog. If you're struggling with infertility, or know someone who is (ahem), you might want to take a look.

*Despite the overwhelming sadness that I've felt this month, I was blessed beyond belief when my FF and her husband made J and I the godparents to her child. Definitely sweet relief in this sea of bitterness that sometimes overwhelms me.

That's all. :)

If You Just Let Me Be...

eventually, I'll be back to me.

I'll Bet You...

that if I had this shoe I'd be a happier camper.

It really takes so little.

Thanks, But No Thanks

When I'm cranky and hating the world, all I want is for someone to listen. I hate it when I'm venting and people try to offer helpful suggestions or change the way I feel.

Listen.

All I want is for someone to say, "That sucks. I'm here if you need me."

Can I get an amen?

Random Ramblings with Cranky Pants

I've been in a funk since late Sunday afternoon, and I haven't been able to shake it. :( If you're happy, you might want to skip this one, because it's just a litany from the Poor Me files.

• Mother's Day is on Sunday. And I'm totally not feeling it. I'm being strangled by the no-baby blues, and I'm seriously considering skipping out on the whole day.


• Babies are everywhere but in my belly. Everybody is either pregnant or popping out babies. I'm beginning to hate FACEBOOK.


• For the last 72 hours, everything bothers me and makes me want to tear out my hair and scream and cry. I'm hyper cranky and exhausted.


• I hate Weight Watchers. I've been sticking to the plan pretty faithfully -the only sweets I've allowed myself are yogurt and jello pudding cups, but I've only lost a pound, maybe two. I've drastically reduced my intake, and I'm not pleased with the results.


• I'm not tutoring this week. Based on my current mindframe, that's a blessing, but I really am missing those extra $200. It was nice not to have to worry about budgeting for the week.


• I feel like I'm going to smack somebody if they look at me the wrong way.

Okay. I 'm done now.

Random Ramblings

If I could pour out the contents of my brains cohesively, then I would find a way to thread all this mish mash together. But since I am exhausted beyond belief -last night the sound of the crickets chirping made me feel like my next purchase would be a beautiful white coat with thick straps that would tightly wrap my arms around my body, bullet points is the way to go.

*Last night was my first meeting at Weight Watchers. And, eh. I'm a little scared. I weighed in at 154.6, but that includes my shoes which weighed .8 ounces. So even though the W.W. nazi didn't deduct it, I'm going to. So. My starting weight is 153.14 ounces. Bleh. And I only have 22 points. And everthing I like to eat is more than 22 points so I really have to think about everything I put in my mouth. Booooooo. Hissssss.

*The deal was to buy this new J.Crew dress when I lost ten pounds,

but I had forgotten I had bought this one a few weeks ago. Same style, different print.

So, ahem. I bought this one instead. Because I'm excellent at finding loopholes to my own rules. If only I thought so much about losing weight and exercising. I'd probably be a toothpick.*I was recently let go from my current teaching position. I'm not going to lie, it hurt like a mother, but truthfully, I had been so unhappy, I wasn't planning on coming back, and I'm happy the decision was made for me. Anyhoodle, even though I've been a tad bit bitter, I'm all about letting people know (especially Mrs. LeDouchetard) that this decision didn't break me. And today, my principal actually came to my room and thanked me for handling the situation with such grace. It sounds silly, but it made me happy. As much I sometimes want to leave in blaze of smoke and glory, grace and dignity are the way to go.

*If you're not reading Andie's blog, what's wrong with you? She's doing this really cool dress challenge where she'll only wear dresses for the next 30-ish days. I'm totally in love with this idea. Lately, I've had to pull out my dresses and wear them to work because I'm so fat I cannot wear any of my pants comfortably (except for one pair of jeans and that's really a stretch).

*My FF is pregnant, and she'll be having her baby shower in a couple of months. I have fallen head over heels for this website, which has the most gorgeous party planning ideas. Seriously, it makes me want to get married again. To the same boy, of course.

*Two weeks ago, my therapist recommended that I take the next 30 days and concentrate on myself. But, I really haven't had the time. I quit Saturday school because even though I earned some extra dollars, in retrospect, it really wasn't worth the stress. And what I really want to do is quit my night job. But that's a bunch of monies, and money talks. On a happier note, I only have 21 more days left of school, 24 if I count teacher work days. So if I can just make it until then, I'm sure all the rest will fall into place.

Much love,

Smart Cookie

P.S. As soon as school is over, I can introduce the world to my real self! Yes, Smart Cookie is my secret identity, but prepare to meet Clark Kent. :)

Like a Moth to a Flame

I'm a sucker for any kind of coupon or discount. Even though I know -I KNOW! that LOGICALLY, I will end up spending more than I save. But when I have that coupon in my hot little hands, reason flies out the door.



Last week, I got a coupon for New York & Company. I've never been a huge fan, but the last time I visited one of their stores, I was pleasantly surprised. So, I put my Spend $75 save $30, Spend $150 save $75 in my bag and planned a Saturday visit.


Oh, cookies. The plan was to only spend $75 to save the $30, but I'm sure you can guess that that is not what happened.

When the cashier rung up my purchases, the total (with tax) was $119. So I figured I'd buy my mom a shirt for Mother's Day, and save money.

Yes, I said it. Save money.

But what I didn't realize is that the coupons are only valid for pre-tax totals. So I had to sacrifice myself and buy two headbands to make it to $150. And of course, I spent more because remember, I had to spend $150 pretax. Deep sigh.


Boo. Hoo.



Here are the things I bought:
Loving this dress. Super simple, but with a brown belt, some gladiator sandals, and some colorful necklaces, I'll be good to go. For some reason I've noticed that lately, I'm drawn to very neutral colors.
This is much cuter in person. Digging the embellished neckline.

I actually bought this shirt in cream for me and in blue for my mother.

So my grand total? $92.

Deep sigh.

Every time, cookies. Every time.

Preach It

My no-baby drama usually has me in a Tasmanian tailspin, but sometimes I read something that speaks to my brokenness and makes me breathe a little easier.

"At any given point throughout this journey, two birds might sing in your head. The bird of doubt sings the song of blame and misfortune and self-flagellation. The bird of faith says, 'More shall be revealed.' You'll have to decide which of these two birds to feed."

From The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova

Amen, sister.

If I could, I would....

One of my favorite stores ever, is J.Crew. Not that I get to shop there that often.
Most of the stuff that I do buy I buy online and on sale.


This is a new arrival, and it is absolutely drool worthy.

Because I've bought two dresses in the last six weeks, my J.Crew card is on fire. And because I'm planning to start Weight Watcher's next week, I'd like to lose some weight before buying myself this deliciousness.

So.

Let's make a deal.

Next week after my "weigh in" (which terrifies me beyond belief), I'll post my weight (which terrifies me even more), and when I lose ten pounds, I'll splurge on this beauty.

Deal?

Cruise Control

The Mr. and I are going on a 7-day cruise in June.

And I seriously need to drop some weight.

I am in a ginormous funk. I've gained about 25 pounds since August, and about 15 of those pounds since December. I don't really mind too much -I mean, I hate my jiggly belly, but I like my boobs and my butt.

But this morning as I was trying to get dressed, nothing I tried on fit. :(

I'm really considering weight watchers.

Cram Sessions & Shopping Confessions

Last month, I decided to give up shopping for the month of April. I was super determined, but to be fair, I had bought a bunch of stuff on March 31st to tide me over. Not to mention that I had some items to exhange and some giftcards burning holes in my wallet. So. The concept was totally doable.

But this weekend, I caved (Sorry, FF! I would've come clean but the boys were around). And I cannot even show you the object of my destruction because it SOLD OUT.

I tried, cookies. I really did. But each day I checked the item, each day I saw sizes vanishing. Until the only size that was left was a size 8.

And I ordered it. I don't even know if it'll fit. I've gained a bunch of weight, and I'm no longer a size 6, but J.Crew sizing has always been a little off for me.

I would show you a picture, but it's not even up anymore.

I feel guilty, but I'm sure my guilt will abate when I get my beautiful dress at the end of the week.

New & Improved

There's long been the question of how something can be BOTH new and improved, so this title may be somewhat misleading. All I know is that I've been gone for a while, and now I am back.

So dig it. :)

MIA Updates

Oh. My. Word. I've been gone forever, I know. Talk about being busy! My schedule is bananas. Ba. Na. Nas.


I'm still working my regulary teacher-y job from 8-3:30 ish, which is a breeze because my kids are awesome, except for one who is muchos annoying, but I'll take that compared to the craptastic class I had last year. Anyhoodle, I'm tutoring 3x/week, two weekdays and Saturdays (sometimes on Sunday, depending on my student's schedule), plus my night job (which I need desperately, but gives me diarrhea and sometimes I wish I would get fired), plus going to therapy (my prepregnancy issues made me lose my mind for a good six weeks so it was either therapy or the psych ward) every other week, AND acupuncture (which is AWESOME, totally relaxing and worth every minute) every week. Oh, and I host a Bible study at my house every Thursday. And I almost forgot, Saturday school every week, which I'm at right this very minute.


Exhausted much? Seriously. On Tuesday, my heart was beating so hard and so fast I thought I was going to die. Had to take some xanax to calm my shit down. Skipped therapy the following day and just slept. All my body needed was sleep. I now know why celebrities check themselves into the hospital for exhaustion. They just need a break.


So that's what I've been up to. That and online shopping at Old Navy. Damn, cookies! They've got the cutest stuff!


Here are some things I've bought in the last month.

I just got this brown dress on Thursday. And I love it. I'm not sure if I've mentioned that my weight has reached a serious freak the shizz out high and that I don't even weigh myself anymore because I don't want to drop dead from the terror. So. That's why I love dresses. They hide a multitude of sins.
This romper is A. Dor. Able. I've been looking for a romper FOREVER. Because I don't have the body of a teenage boy, it's been muchos challenging to find one that fit AND looked good. This one does both.

My favorite color is chartreuse. That's just a fancy way of saying lemon-lime ish. I plan on wearing this dress with a belt. And a tan.

I was hesitant to order this dress online. Not really sure how the waist would fit. But I heart it big time. Dying to wear it with my brown heeled boots. A little cliche, I know. But I could totally work it.

The irony, of course, is that I'm so freaking busy that I haven't been able to wear ANY of my new clothes because all I wear are the same two pairs of pants over and over to work (F.U. cold snap!) and sweat pants or p.j.s.

Deep sigh.

Can we say praying for Easter break?

Constant Cravings

It's been an orgy of shopping goodness. Or what the angel perched on my right shoulder likes to call, a complete and total loss of my faculties.

Lately, I've been indulging my shopaholic tendencies under one or the other of the following two principles:

1. Birthday Presents: The plethora of birthday giftcards has been largely exhausted. But you know how dangerous giftcards can be. You mean to buy only enough as your giftcard allows, and in the end, your giftcard only serves as a deposit. Ahem. Guilty.

2. I work like an animal. No, seriously. I do. If you know me, you know that I am doing one of three things. Sleeping. Eating. Working. That's it. So I justify some of my shopping on the fact that I deserve it. For example, on Saturday, while most of you were resting, between Saturday school and tutoring I made $150 extra dollars. Granted, that money is supposed to go to my property taxes that are due at the end of March. But, nonetheless.

So on Sunday, after going to Forever 21 and not finding anything, I figured I was in the clear.

***Snort***

Old Navy, which is usually hit or miss for me (especially since I'm aware everything is going to eventually be marked down to $1 AND I'm super pear-shaped so dresses are a crap shoot), was a goldmine of adorableness. Everything was super fresh and springtastic. Tops and flip-flops in delicious colors. *

Plus, on Monday, thinking that I was Daddy Warbucks, I bought myself a brown leather purse at Dillard's and another yoga DVD**. Um, I haven't even seen the first yoga DVD.

And now, I'm craving these.

These denim leggings are super delish. I've gained beacoup weight, and let's be honest, anything with a button and a waistband that is not made of elastic is torturous. But. I've put myself on a shopping hiatus. I've got to save my dollars for my property taxes. And, again, with all the sleeping, eating, and working, I'm not really going anywhere.

Deep sigh.

But. I do have that Anthropologie giftcard.

*Ironically I put everything on my Gap card because I didn't want to touch my cash. Deep sigh. Two steps forward, one step back.

**To be fair, the second yoga DVD is a fertility, relaxation DVD. And I paid cash for all that.

You Can Be Happy...

where you are. -Joel Osteen



It's just how you choose to perceive your circumstances.


Where I'm at:

• in ridiculous debt,


• not pregnant,


• working four jobs,


• hardly seeing or spending time with J,


• overweight and overexhausted.

Where I'm at:

• taking control of my finances,


• pre-pregnant (one of my friends mentioned this when I told her I hated the word infertility and told her my therapist suggested sub-fertile. But pre-pregnant has a much nicer ring to it.),


• blessed to have so many opportunities to make money,


• appreciating the time I spend with my husband,


• blessed to eat and sleep.

You see? Be your own PR person and spin your situation to your advantage. Because therein lies the truth. Don't listen to your inner Harold*. Know that your past and your present is essential to your future.

Besides, if things didn't occasionally suck, how would we be able to truly appreciate how far we've come?

Enjoy the journey, cookies. You're getting there.

xoxo,

Smart Cookie

*He's a smarmy liar who delights in your sadness. I hate that butthole.

Birthday Wishes

For my birthday, I was blessed to receive a bunch of giftcards from some of my favorite places. Yay for me!

Here's a list of some of my purchases (and some of my intended purchases, as well):

• My cousin C bought me a giftcard from Borders. And instead of buying books ( I have piles of unread books that are giving me mild anxiety because I feel compelled to read them, and I want to read them, but with all the working and eating and sleeping, I'm not finding the time), I bought these two workout DVD's.

Which I'm obviously not doing, because of all the sleeping, working, and eating. But I have all the positive intent in the world.

• My coworkers bought me a giftcard to Forever 21, with which I was able to purchase these lovelies. They were only $16.80 (AND, they come in red, black, or blue), and my coworkers were blown away when I showed them my shoes (which are muchos cuter in person) and told them the cost. They were convinced that they were more expensive.
  
  
• One of my students gave me a $50 Visa giftcard, which I used to buy this dress from Delia's. The practical side of me considered saving it to pay for a therapy or accupuncture session, but the broke fashionista inside me quickly won that argument. :)

• My FF bought me a giftcard to Anthropologie, which has me spinning me wheels with delight. There's an old Cuban tale called, La Cucarachita Martina (Martina the Little Roach), who found some money and then couldn't figure out what to buy. And that's exactly how I feel. Here are some of my very impractical desires.

This bag is $368, and my giftcard is like a drop in the bucket to that ridiculous number, but I love the soft leathery goodness and total laissez-faire attitude that this bag is whispering.

I don't know if it's the way that it's styled (probably) or the fact that I just want to be this effortlessly relaxed senorita (definitely), but I love this top. At $68, I'm not sure it's worth it, though.
This necklace is $48 smackaroonies, which I also think is ridiculous, but it's big while still being delicate, which I totally love. AND it's part of that girl's outfit so, duh, I want it.
This last one is one of my favorites. It's totally me (on the mannequin, anyway). I'm worried that my newly super curvy hip wouldn't work with this dress, but I can't wait to try it on.

• My sister also gave me a giftcard to Macy's, which I haven't even thought about yet. But that's okay. I love the fact that even though money's tight, I've got options.
  xoxo,
  
  
  Smart Cookie

Sometimes...

When God speaks,

Hope in the Lord, and you will not hope in vain:

Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live;
Do not let my hopes be dashed.

Psalm 119:116


All you need to do, is listen.

Just Breathe...

It's funny that I never really thought about breathing until I realized that I wasn't very good at it. Because that's the first thing people tell you to do when you're on the ledge and hyperventilating and wondering what the apex of crazy can possibly be because you feel that each time you couldn't get any crazier, which is of course an illusion, because you know that the next level of crazy is going to be, hands down, bigger and badder than the last.

But I digress.

Last night I went to my first counseling session, which was absolutely lovely and awesome and informative, and really, just what I needed. One of the things I plan to work on is connecting my mind and body.

Which really sounds super easy, no? I mean, it's not like you need to tell your body how to function. But when I spiral into my ninth circle, I feel like my mind is a freight train and my body is in limbo, at the mercy of an out of control lunatic (me, I'm that lunatic).

So. One of my homework assignments is to practice breathing, which, for all that I do it (breathe, that is), takes LOADS of effort. I didn't even realize how shallow my breaths were until I started taking deep breaths, which honestly sometimes leave me out of breath. That's how bad I am at this whole breathing business.

Okay, so here's how it works (in case you were wondering if all your years of automatic breathing have prepared you) Deep breath in (while counting to four to engage my mind and stop the racing thoughts), deep breath out (while still counting to four).

Anyhoodle, last night I was so into breathing while driving that I ran a red light. Like, totally. It wasn't even green when I noticed it.*

I'm supposed to do it before stressful situations, while in a stressful situation, or just to relax. I'm pretty much doing it whenever I remember. In fact, last night I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. But I started breathing and lo and behold -out like a light.

Now if I could just get a baby in this belly. :) But I'm giving it time. For now.

*Note to Self: Breathing should only be done in controlled environments. :)

Decisions, Decisions

I'm feeling much better after my mental breakdown last week. Obviously, because I'm returning way earlier than planned. :) The good news is that I'm going to focus on my mental health, connecting with my body, and being at peace with myself, which I'm really excited about. In this whole (infertility) process, I feel like I've lost myself and my mind, more often than I would like.



Anyhoodle, last week I received a $50 Walmart Visa gift card from one of my students. I have to confess, though, since this student is a bit of stealer, I double-checked that it was valid. Nothing more embarrassing than going to a store and being told, "Um, no dummy. Someone just stole this and gave it to you." That is of course, worst case scenario because it's obviously not good customer service.


So, here are my choices:

At $98, these are the most frivolous, least likely to be worn. But, oh! How I love them!

Loving this seafoam dress from modcloth. I ordered two dresses from their site a few weeks ago, and even though they were pricier than I'm accustomed, I really love them. This dress is $54.99.

I need another pair of shoes like a hole in the head, but I don't have white sandals. And ever since I saw these at Dillards, I made a mental note (and I actually wrote it in my journal so I wouldn't forget!) of them. At $49 smackaroonies, I think they are super cutie.

And finally, this white eyelet dress from Delia's. I'm really struggling with being 34 and knowing that I should probably stop shopping a junior stores, but I'm not ready yet.

So be a lovey and cast your vote.

P.S. Thank you for the lovely notes about my departure. :)

P.P.S. My blog has had a makeover. I found this great site called shabby blogs. It's free and it's totally my speed, totally my style. Check it out.

Missing in Action

I've been missing in action the past month. I've got a bunch of stuff going on in my head and my heart, and I haven't been able to write a cohesive post despite my bestest efforts. I'm thinking of taking a break from blogging (I know, I know -it's been a month. I've already taken a break, but whatever), which I'm sure will cause me to become so inspired that I'll be firing up this blog with posts, but I'm not holding my breath.

In the meantime, here's an update:

• I've gotten so fat. Last year I gained 22 pounds, and that's because I haven't weighed myself since last Wednesday because it could be more, which is terrifying. I don't mind the extra junk in my trunk (even though my butt is like a bag of Ruffles potato chips -full of ridges), but the jelly in my belly has gots to go.
• It's been freezing here. Everyday I wear leggings, pants, socks, boots, a t-shirt, a sweater, a sweater coat, and a scarf. Brutal. I can't wait for it to warm up so that I can go back to my uniform of dresses (none 0f my pants fit) and sandals (because at least my feet haven't gotten fat).
• My birthday was last week, and even though I worked most of the day (I usually get really bad anxiety on my birthday) and was exhausted, I had a really chill evening with my family and friends, and I received lots of presents from my family, friends, coworkers, and students.
• I've always wanted to write a book, but I've never been able to get a successful start. I think it'd be fun to write a memoir, maybe about my shopping addiction or my attempts to get pregnant, or even a children's book titled, The Adventures of Whitey. I'm still thinking.
• Monday is MLK Jr. Day, and I have the day off. I'm thinking of going kayaking if it's warm enough. I need to be out. I miss being glowy and tan and being in the sunshine. I'm in need of some straight up Vitamin D.
• I've decided that this will be my last year of teaching at my current school. It makes me sad because I've become so attached to my students and their families, but I need a better job. I was planning on working with my parents as a backup, but their business has been a little slow, so that's not definite. The good thing is that my check is prorated, so I get paid all the way through mid-August. Plenty of time to figure something out.
• I have an appointment with the psychologist tomorrow. I've got some thoughts in my head that I need to get out to a third-party, someone who doesn't know or love me and is therefore not invested in my life. I've been driving myself and anyone around me who will listen crazy, and I'm just tired.

I think that's it. I'm sure there's more, but I'm at my night job and it's so slow I'm worried I'm going to get my balls busted.