Weight-y Issues

Gosh. If this doesn't make you want to kill yourself, you're a stronger person than me.

I've made no bones about the fact that I struggle with my body image. A LOT. Within the last three years I have lost 10 pounds (a ton of weight considering my frame is pretty small, and I'm not overweight), only to regain part of that weight back as a result of some deeply life changing crap going down, i.e. J's job situation(s) and most recently, his back injury, and let's not forget my experiences with Mr. & Mrs. LeDouchetard.

Anyway, when J's home, I spend more time with him (yay!) and refrain from going to the gym as often, if at all (boo! hiss!), not to mention that I eat a lot more junk food and become a gazillion times less mobile (which is probably my body's way of internalizing the slight depression that I've been feeling, but not really vocalizing).

I think about my weight obsessively, and I talk about my weight obsessively. Last week a coworker even told me, in the nicest way that she could,

Smart Cookie, I think you're obsessed. I know you would like to lose weight, but let's be honest, most people would consider you thin. You need to get over it.

It was sweet of her not to mince words, no? I've been trying to embrace my body. Kate Winslet has been all over the news, and I've been studying her body because it's super healthy, fit, and beautiful. And honestly, being a little heavier doesn't completely suck. When I'm heavier, my boobs are bigger -bonus! Unfortunately, for my boobs to be bigger, the weight has to settle everywhere else first -first stop belly, which is now like jelly.

Because, I haven't exercised in 24 days, ever since December 31st. It's been so long that I'm actually scared to go back to the gym because there's no way that I could keep up. Everyday I say,

Today is the day I will exercise.

But, no. It has yet to be.

But I have to start. Because I've got some events coming up these next few weeks. My sister L and my coworker S's birthday, and my bookclub meeting, and just my life, in general. I want to feel good about myself. Is that too much to ask? Is it?