This Would Be Funny, If It Weren't Kinda Sad

Let's just start off by saying that I woke up feeling much better today. Although I slept like crappola last night, and I completely dreaded getting out of bed, I was pleasantly surprised by how much better my body felt this morning once I did get out of bed. Good thing, too. Because it's such a mission to leave work early -or (gasp!) call in sick, epecially on a test day, I try to miss as little work as possible. My new dream job is one where I can call in sick and not spend the day worrying about all the work I have to catch up on when I get back.

Anyway, as you know, I'm an elementary teacher. I teach second grade, and I spend the day surrounded by really precocious, and sometimes incredibly annoying, seven year olds. So, as you can imagine, I have calendars all over my room. It's funny how little kids have absolutely no concept of time. Hours, days, months, years -are all the same to them. And that's pretty cute and endearing. Especially when they're arguing about Valentine's Day. Did you know Valentine's Day is February 13th? At least they were close.

So, because today is the 30th, and Monday is the beginning (in school days) of a new month, I changed all my calendars this morning. As I was changing my desk calendar, I noticed the date I had marked my last period -December 22nd.

Hmmm. That's odd. I didn't mark the date of my period in January.

Hey! Hold the phone! That's OVER a month ago! Hot damn! Could I be? Really? Could I be....

PREGNANT?

I racked my brain trying to remember whether or not I had my period this month, all the while wondering if the one time, the ONE TIME, that I didn't keep track of my monthly cycle, would be the month that I was sperminated.

And here is where it gets sad. Can you believe I had my period last week, and I had just managed to block it out? I swear to you I sat at my desk for 20 minutes trying to figure out whether or not I had actually gotten it. But then I remembered I got it on Martin Luther King Day, and I was actually kinda glad I had gotten it on that day because I usually get all sick and vomit-y, and I was happy to have the day off.

*Deep sigh. It is kinda funny though.

Smart Cookie Feeling No Bueno

This is what I feel like. Everyday. Lately

Hi. C'est moi. I don't really like to blog about sad-face stuff. And if I do, I try to keep it light. Like,

J hurt his back and can't work for two weeks? Well, he's gonna be my bitch
and work on his back, if you know what I mean.

Anyhoodle, lately, I've been exhausted. I find this a little troubling. All I do is go to work. And my job as an elementary teacher is relatively easy. I mean, it's stressful, don't get me wrong, but I only work from 8 - 3:30, and it's not manual labor or brain surgery. But my body feels as if it's been run over by a mack truck. My back, my shoulders, and my neck are achy, breaky. I'm just not feeling good. At all.

And I'm not really tired. Even though I should be because I'm not sleeping because my body is so achy that all I do is toss and turn. I just feel physically beat down. I can't even fathom how I used to work out 4-5 days a week, because really? My body feels so broke down I just want to cry. Because it hurts.

*Deep sigh.

K. Done complaining for now. On a happier note, how cute are these skirts?

Confessions of a Rambling Mind

1. Somedays I feel like the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons. My throat actually hurts from all the talking I do. And I'm talking, but no one is listening. I feel like, Hello? Is this thing on? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? When I get home, I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Pooped. Majorly pooped.

2. Today I got a manicure and pedicure. Deliciousness. The only kvetch? I forgot how light Essie's Sugar Daddy is. Boo. My hands just look really polished. But my toes! Oh, my toes are a beautiful, shiny red! So fancy! I love pretty hands and feet.

3. But here are some of my mani/pedi pet peeves: 1. French Manicures -tacky, spectackiness, esp. on feet. Why do you want your toes to look like tiny fingers on your feet? Why? 2. Long toenails, ugh, I think I threw up in my mouth a little 3. Obnoxious colors. Neon? Really? Really?

4. I love unplanned shopping trips to Marshall's! You can find so much stuff when you go without a purpose! Like the cutest bathing suit! For only $16.99! Steal!

5. But seriously, I don't need any more bathing suits. I'm thinking a good plan of action would be to not buy any more suits until I actually go to the pool or beach.

6. I also tried on a pair of jeans. Size 7 and they were too big! Oops, not really. I looked at the tag and the jeans were really a size 30.

7. Jessica Simpson. Oh, honey. It's time to stop fooling yourself. Look, I've put on a couple of pounds, too, for shizzle. But, no. No, my love. You look fat. And if you're a size 2, so am I.8. Oh. My. Word. I have this super push-up bra that I bought from Victoria's Secret. And. I. LOVE. It. It pushes my boobs way up! It even makes my boobs jiggle when I walk. I have jiggly boobs! Me! An A cup! It's like a miracle!

9. Running? I love you, but you are seriously kicking my ass. I guess it's only fair after being immobile for such a long time. But it's still good to be back.

10. Is it Friday, yet?

Today...

I did it! I used my running shoes for their God-intended purpose! I used them for running!* I just wanted to start moving again after being immobile for so long. So today, I went to the park by my parents' house and stepped to it. I'm not discouraged that I wasn't able to go as far, as fast, or as long as I could normally go when I'm more fit, but for the love of all that's good and holy, it has been 24 days! Give a girl a break! Oh, um, excuse me. That's not really directed at you, dear reader. That's just me talking back to my cranky, bitchy inner voice. I'm working on being more positive.

Anyhoodle, I'm on the right track (get it? running, track? oh forget it). It's all about baby steps.

*K, maybe not running exactly, but fast walking and jogging.

What a Girl Wants....

What this girl wants, what she really, really wants is... a new job. I made the mistake of updating my status on Facebook to read, Smart Cookie has never wanted anything more. Oh. My. Word. The gossip shitstorm that that statement ignited was effing HILARIOUS.

First of all, anyone who knows me knows that J and I have been trying and failing to have babies for like, ever. Well, I guess that that statement is not entirely true. We've been trying quite successfully (ha, ha), just failing to get that elusive egg to do her job and let that sperm penetrate. Anyhoodle, this cryptic status update apparently piqued some of my peeps curiosity, and like that super fun elementary school game Telephone, all of a sudden, I was receiving congratulations for being, are you ready for it? PREGNANT! I about peed in my pants. Hysterical.

The truth is, I didn't want to announce to the whole world that I'm looking for a new job. I'm currently gainfully employed, and I'd like to keep it that way, capisce? But there are some job opportunities on the horizon, and I want them. I really, really do. I've never been so excited or passionate about the possibilities. *Deep Sigh. I've never wanted anything more.

Oh, and my Facebook status now reads, Smart Cookie OMG! Would love to be, but is NOT pregnant!

At least not yet. ;0

Weight-y Issues

Gosh. If this doesn't make you want to kill yourself, you're a stronger person than me.

I've made no bones about the fact that I struggle with my body image. A LOT. Within the last three years I have lost 10 pounds (a ton of weight considering my frame is pretty small, and I'm not overweight), only to regain part of that weight back as a result of some deeply life changing crap going down, i.e. J's job situation(s) and most recently, his back injury, and let's not forget my experiences with Mr. & Mrs. LeDouchetard.

Anyway, when J's home, I spend more time with him (yay!) and refrain from going to the gym as often, if at all (boo! hiss!), not to mention that I eat a lot more junk food and become a gazillion times less mobile (which is probably my body's way of internalizing the slight depression that I've been feeling, but not really vocalizing).

I think about my weight obsessively, and I talk about my weight obsessively. Last week a coworker even told me, in the nicest way that she could,

Smart Cookie, I think you're obsessed. I know you would like to lose weight, but let's be honest, most people would consider you thin. You need to get over it.

It was sweet of her not to mince words, no? I've been trying to embrace my body. Kate Winslet has been all over the news, and I've been studying her body because it's super healthy, fit, and beautiful. And honestly, being a little heavier doesn't completely suck. When I'm heavier, my boobs are bigger -bonus! Unfortunately, for my boobs to be bigger, the weight has to settle everywhere else first -first stop belly, which is now like jelly.

Because, I haven't exercised in 24 days, ever since December 31st. It's been so long that I'm actually scared to go back to the gym because there's no way that I could keep up. Everyday I say,

Today is the day I will exercise.

But, no. It has yet to be.

But I have to start. Because I've got some events coming up these next few weeks. My sister L and my coworker S's birthday, and my bookclub meeting, and just my life, in general. I want to feel good about myself. Is that too much to ask? Is it?

This Is Why...

the internet is dangerous. Because I don't even have to step out of my house to start lusting for things. I can window shop in the comfort of my own home.

This little dress is from Old Navy, and although Old Navy dressess are cut somewhat oddly (I am incredibly pear shaped) and don't usually look flattering on me, I am seriously loving the fresh print of this dress. And at $29.50, the price is definitely do-able.

This Gap cardigan is ridiculously priced at $49.50 (for me! If you can afford it yay for you!), but the nautical stripes and the ruffle down the front are deliciously charming.
And the cardigan would look great with these shorts from Old Navy.I already have a pair of these shorts in gray, and what can I say? For $19.50, they're just the right short short AND they're flattering, which is almost an oxymoron.

I stumbled onto this sweet treat when I was looking for a picture of the Marc Jacobs aviators I bought during a moment of seriously trendy fashion-itis. It is the PERFECT shade of purple. Sadly, at $168, it is nowhere near the budget. I have spent three days trying to figure out how I can pay my bills and get this bag, but to no avail. And, since my birthday is long past, I can't even claim that as an excuse. Oh, but I love it.Finally, I think these ballet flats from Old Navy are adorable. I have tons of flats, a rainbow of flats if you will, but these have a really spring-y vibe that I'm totally digging. Of course, you have to be careful with flats from Old Navy. Usually the toe is super rounded, which can make your feet look like those of a platypus, and sometimes, the low cost is far out weighed by the huge discomfort in wearing said shoes.

Oprah Better Watch Her Back!

So. Guess who has started her own book club? Yep, that would be moi. I know, I know. You're thinking,

Smart Cookie, what about your self-diagnosed social anxiety disorder? Or, your belief that people are fun, but only in moderation? What about that? Huh? Huh?

Deep sigh. That's all still true. But I wanted to join a book club. I seriously heart reading. In fact, last night I was reading a book, and J said (a little peeved), "Jeez, you're always reading something, aren't you?" Anyway, I checked out some bookclubs -online of course, and wasn't interested in any of the book selections. That coupled with the fact that all these people would be -(gasp!) strangers, was definitely a deterrent.

So I had a lightbulb, or a flash of genius if you will. I would start my own bookclub. But Smart Cookie, you may say,

You kinda are not close to too many people. Wouldn't a bookclub not, um, be a bookclub if it was just...you?

Ahhhh, but that is where Facebook comes in. I lurve Facebook. It is totally my type of keeping in touch. Closeness, without being too close. I have a tendency to feel overwhelmed by people, and Facebook keeps me connected without making me feel suffocated. So, I chose some of my peeps on Facebook, many whom I haven't seen in years, and sent them a mass letter asking them if they would like to be part of my bookclub (I say my, but it's not really mine, more like ours). Honestly, I had prepped myself for disappointment. I had only chosen people who had made a genuine effort to reach out to me, whether it was by commenting on my status, sending me notes, or reading this blog, and whom I would feel comfortable with (tres important, obvs. -have I mentioned I don't handle rejection well?), but who knew? People have their jobs and their families and their babies and their lives.

But to my surprise, many of my peeps were interested! I'm so excited. It may seem lame to some, but as someone who ironically often shuns people but craves friendship, I'm really happy about it.

Our first book is Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pie is Not the Answer by Jen Lancaster. I chose that book because of the first line, "Today on a bus, a guy called me a fat bitch." Oooooh, sounds good already! And because, as a 33 year old with an ever changing body and consequently, a low body-image, I thought it would be enlightening to discuss it with a bunch of girls who may suffer from the same issues, and if not, may give me some tips on how to squash my inner bitch, at least where my weight is concerned.

So, I'll say it again. Oprah? I'm coming for you, bitch!

Because I'm a Dork...

with a capital D. OMG, I lurve this movie. I even broke the law and managed, through some highly illegal connections to get a bootleg copy. I KNOW! SO NOT LIKE ME AT ALL! Oh, my friends, but after watching it in the theater, I HAD TO HAVE IT. Honestly, the movie is not that great. But. But I love my new boyfriend. Gosh, I love him so much I almost feel like a pedophile (even though he's like 20, it's so lame of me, but I checked).

This is SO one of my favorite scenes! And I've watched the movie twice already. It's not awesome quality, but whatev, I'll buy a copy when it comes out on sale, which is March 21st.



And if you go here, you can read a draft of Midnight Sun -Twilight from Edward's perspective. I read it on Monday, and even though it's a bit repetetive, I love the character of Edward. Deep sigh.

It's sad, right? It's not normal, yes? Oh. My.Word. Have I crossed the line? Am I one of those pathetic people. Hmmmmm... I kinda don't care.

Buyer's Remorse

I have a really bad habit of buying stuff and not putting it away the minute I get home. So, I'm embarrassed to say, that I had a pile (PILE!) of shopping bags in the family room, the spoils of Christmas and birthday excess, which occurred within two weeks of each other. Since I didn't have school today, I spent the morning putting stuff away. I was a little horrified at the amount of stuff I had accumulated in such a short period of time, but I was pleased that I still really liked everything.

Well, almost everything. I bought a purple dress at ZARA, which I will probably be returning later this week. I bought it for my new job. You know, the one that I don't even have yet? Yep. That new job. It was mismarked, so I got it for $20 bucks less than the retail, but, eh. I don't have anywhere to wear it, and since it's purple (a pretty purple, don't get me wrong), I really can't fathom any place I could wear it, except of course, my new non-existent job.

I also bought sunglasses similar to these:

I really loved them when I bought them. But now? Oh. No. I put them on, and ugh. I have a really, really long face. Like potato head long.

And, I never thought this would be possible, but they make my face look even LONGER. Not just that, but when I smile, my cheeks puff up the lenses past my eyebrows. Ay ya yai. They are a colossal mistake. And the worst part? I cannot find the receipt. I still have the little bar code thingy that the sales assistant put on price tag, but I'm worried that I won't be able to have my credit card (not Nordstrom) account credited and have to take a store credit.

Because. Because I already bought another pair of sunglasses doing the net zero math of returning those sunglasses.

I hate returning stuff. H. A. T. E.

Saturday, A Photo Essay

Today I got a mass text from my cousin C asking if anyone wanted to join her at the South Beach Art Deco Festival. I had planned on lounging in my own filth and eating myself into a food coma, but seeing as how I've done that EVERY day for the last sixteen days, I decided to take her up on her offer. She asked me to bring Whitey so I packed him up and drove to the beach. Gosh, my rearview mirror is so dirrrrty!

There was a ton of traffic, but the ride was beautiful.It took me forever to park. But finally, FINALLY, I made it. But to my eternal, ever-lovin' surprise, guess who has two thumbs and was the third wheel? That would be moi. C brought her boyfriend M. And although I like M lots, I was the odd man out. However, M was very good with Whitey. If something ever happens to J and me, they would be great legal guardians. They, funnily enough, were not too thrilled about the idea.


Whitey was driving me nuts. Oh. My. Word. He is the worst behaved dog. EVER. He was barking all crazy and getting scrappy with every dog we came across.

But not this one. He was in lurve with her.

And EVERYONE wanted to ask me a bajillion questions about him. What kind of dog is he? What's his name? How old is he? Can I pet him? Blah, blah, blah. I told C that if one more person asked me about him I was going to get all bajiggity on them. But then, of course, who should walk by and point at my little pooch, who by then is in a Geico gym bag?

None other than:

This photo is airbrushed. Big time.

Brooke fucking Hogan. Shut your mouth!

There was lots to see. Nothing that I would've wanted to buy, though. I really think I have an aversion to "vintage" clothing. I read about a gazillion blogs about people who shop and wear vintage clothing, and they look lovely. So lovely, in fact, that sometimes I operate under the delusion that I too would like to wear vintage. Um, no. No. No. No.

It was a long day, and I'm happy to be home.

Ooooooh......So Sparkly!

I had totally forgotten that one of my new year's resolutions was to learn how to make jewelry. I know, I know -I only made this resolution two weeks ago, and I'd ALREADY forgotten about it! But yesterday, I received some birthday cards from my most favoritestes and included in the envelope (along with three cards -one from my nephew Jack, who um, just happens to be a dog)was some info. about jewelry making. Oh. Thanks for reminding me! I thought about ordering the kit, but then I thought a more prudent approach would be to actually try it before committing to the whole kit and caboodle.

So this afternoon, I googled "Bead Stores in Miami, Florida" and I hit upon this little gem. They're a bead store, and they offer free (FREE!) jewelry classes. When I called, the lady said the only class that was available this month was basic stringing. I told her that was no problemo since I was just a beginner. And, I convinced my coworker S to join me. How fun does that sound? Super, I know. Honestly though, I think what convinced her was the free part, but let's not quibble about the details, yes?

Anyhoodle, my class is in two weeks! Yay for me!

Um, yeah, I'm not even pretending my first try will look like this. But a girl can dream.

Confessions of a Shopaholic

K, let's be honest. I don't really need a reason to shop -I just really, really love to shop.


But. But, sometimes, girlfriend is just shopping some deep feelings away. Let's get all How Do I Love Thee? and enumerate the reasons, shall we?

1. J has been home for the last two weeks. Thankfully, he's getting paid, but having him home all the time has made me lethargic, lazy, blah. Which brings me to,
2. I have not exercised in two weeks. I come home from school, lay in bed with J, fall asleep for a couple of hours, wake up, make dinner, overeat (I made J go to Publix yesterday just to buy sugar cookies because I had a craving), watch TV, go to sleep, wake up (not a moment earlier than I need to, mind you), and go to school,
3. which is bleh. I really cannot stand the girls in my class. I only have 4, and one of them is ESOL, but I can tell she's already being corrupted by the other ones. It's like Mean Girls for seven year olds. Why, for the love of all that's good and holy, do we no longer have corporal punishment? The last time I got spanked I was 24, my friends. My room was a mess and my mom lost it. She chased me around the house, and I let her! You know why? Because Smart Cookie respects her mother's authority -that's why! I mean, I tried to hold her back a little, I'm not an idiot, after all -BUT STILL! And I have one kid whose mom works at the school, and whom I've got some MAD beef with. She's always giving me the evil eye and making these snarky digs. Bitch better watch her back. I have practiced a comeback for any comment that she might throw at me, and she's just lucky that I'm avoiding her like an ill-fitting satin prom dress because Smart Cookie is ready, my friends. Off the chain, READY.
4. And yesterday I found out that my cousin and his wife are pregnant -which is yay for them! But poo for me. Because guess who has two thumbs and is NOT pregnant. Oh, that would me moi. And, she's like 36 or 37. Not that there's anything wrong with that. BUT I'm 33! Where's my baby? Where?

So today I went to Forever 21. I had fallen in love with this little dress online, and I tried it on, and lo and behold, guess who came home with me? Oh, that would be she. And she is absolutely lovely. Joining her on the trip home was a MAC Blot Pressed Powder in Medium, a DKNY dress (on SALE!), and a tanktop (ALSO ON SALE!). There was a dress I LOVED in the Macy's Junior's Department -I was trying to find a pic. of it online, but to no avail. It was $79, and although Smart Cookie is not averse to spending $79, she sure as hell is not spending it on one day dress. Especially when all the stuff at Macy's eventually goes on sale. Like super 40% plus 15% off (like the DKNY dress and tanktop) sale. I was feeling a little guilty until I remembered I had my birthday money. Bon voyage, birthday money. We didn't even get a chance to get to know each other. Oh, well.

My New Girl Crush....

Because I'm embracing a healthier body image (my body looks better with a few more pounds and I haven't found the magic trick for exercising and keeping my curves -the few that I've got, anyway), and Kate Winslet is not only beautiful, but she perfectly embodies a lovely and healthy body. She's not too skinny, not too fat, but just right.

Weekend Update, Birthday Edition

I'm 33, bitches! Holla at your girl!


Friday, BIRTHDAY

• Clean house. Leaving to Marco Island for the weekend.
• Pick up father for colonoscopy -his, not mine.
• Go to mall. Buy some stuff -dress and two tops at Zara (on sale, but super cute -was wearing an awesome VS pushup bra, which makes anything look better), Sephora lipgloss #14, and this bag.Seems like lots of stuff, but the selection everywhere was, eh.
• Pick up my dad and drop him off at home.
• Go home, change, pack, get Whitey ready for trip, feel guilty for leaving other dogs at home.
• Happy to see J bought me my favorite cake. Carvel. Happy Birthday Princess.
• Go to Marco Island, drop off Whitey at the house, go to Tokyo Inn, faux Samurai/Benihana.
• My sister and her boyfriend walk into Tokyo Inn! What a surprise. Not expected. Join us for dinner. Fun times.
• Go to Publix to buy J painkillers -no ibuprofen allowed! Allergic. So I get Aleve, a magazine, and a book.
• Go home. Sing Happy Birthday. Eat lots of cake.
• Watch What Not to Wear. J is itchy and starts breaking out in hives. Allergic to Aleve. Poo.
• Go to sleep.
• Whitey barks incessantly from his cage in the garage.

Saturday, Day Deux

• J tells me he's taking Whitey back home. 3 hour drive, there and back, total.
• Eat breakfast.
• Sunbathe by pool with L, my baby sis. Feels good to be in a bikini. Despite major pooch.
• Catch up and talk shit with L.
• J returns.
• L mentions wanting to go to the outlets -specifically the Nike outlet.
• Count me in, duh.
• Go to outlets -J goes, too -despite pathological aversion to malls.
• Buy J new sneakers, socks, Nike t's. Buy myself new running shoes (running my fat ass round the block tomorrow). NOTHING TO BUY! Not at JCrew, not at BCBG, Not at Banana Republic. NOWHERE! Manage to find a cute belt, headband, and semi-fancy flipflops at the Gap.
• Go home.
• Stop at yummy pizza place. L has a craving for Subway. Goes to Subway while we watch game at pizza place. Comes back cranky and empty handed. No sub. Eats with us. Last to order, first to be served.
• Go home. Chill with parents who just made it to Marco from Miami. Watch TV. Read magazines.
• Take shower.
• Go see Gran Torino. Originally wanted to see Bride Wars. But majority wanted to see Clint Eastwood flick. No big.
• Awesome movie. Cried. Felt it.
• Went home.
• Read a little before falling asleep.

Sunday, Oh no! It's Almost Over

• L and boyfriend leave.
• Go to breakfast with parents.
• Eat delicious crepes. Yum.
• Go for a drive.
• Return to house. J watches game. Go to get a pedicure.
• Ugh. Cost me $30 bucks. Guilted into it. Not even the color I wanted. Cried when I got home for not running away the minute I stepped in the salon door. Super expensive, not worth it. The only glitch in the weekend.
• Got some sun by the pool.
• Read a book.
• Got ready to come back home.
• Stopped at grocery store and Chinese restaurant for takeout.
• Came home.
• Ate myself into a coma. To be fair, this was true for EVERYDAY. I did not deny myself anything.

I really had a great weekend -minus the pedicure debacle. So Happy Birthday to me!

This is Love

When your husband, who has two herniated disks (just got the MRI results today), and has been on bedrest for two days this week, agrees to go to dinner with you at Friday's because he knows you're stressed about his job security because it requires heavy lifiting, and it's your birthday tomorrow, lets you go to Forever 21 for 20 minutes, as he sits on a bench outside the mall, in pain from being ambulatory after two days of being a slug (necessary, of course), this is love. True love.

Just though you should know.

Confessions of a Rambling Mind....

1. Bitch, is getting FAT. I am not weighing myself until Monday. And then the shizz will start for reals. My birthday is in two days. Who am I kidding? I'm going to be eating cake. And lots of it.

2. The bikini obssession has gone too far when J (J! Who never comments about my shopping!) tells me I don't need any more bathing suits. I'm sorry Victoria's Secret. Until next time.

3. Speaking of Victoria's Secret, this little cute set I ordered did not make my boobs look like this, it made my boobs look like this. And my boobs are teeny. A cup. B cup when I'm heavier. But I loved the panties. So only the bra, poorly made and completely unflattering (fb you were soooo right!) will make the trip back to Ohio.

4. And I ordered this dress, and then when it arrived, I realized that I already had a similar dress, but without the sleeves. Too similar to keep. Boo! Hiss!

5. Only one more day of work and then my birthday weekend begins! 33. Just like Jesus.

6. I read Breaking Dawn, and as a harcore Twilight fan, eh. Not so much.

7. Don't you hate it when you go to the mall, and something catches your eye, but you don't try it on, and then you spend days thinking about it and planning your outfits around it, and then you go back to the store to try on said items, and they are, eh, but you consider getting a second opinion, but the store does not allow returns, and you didn't like it THAT much, but then again, you were wearing a cami and not a bra, so really how could you know for sure? Ugh.

8. And I still want these shoes, and I sometimes whisper to myself, maybe, maybe for my birthday, but I refuse, I REFUSE SHOES! Stop calling me! It would never work! The flats win -they ALWAYS win.

10. Resolutions? Well, I guess to break them, you have to actually start them. So, I guess I'm doing pretty well. Can't lose if you don't start. Or, um something like that.

New Year, New Me

I've been putting off writing my New Year's resolutions. The new year should always start on a Monday, in my genius opinion. It's hard to get your sh!t together on any other day. Monday has a true sense of beginning.

And honestly, with J incapacitated, it's been pretty impossible to make or keep any kind of resolutions. We've been eating nothing but junk food and lounging around in our own filth. I don't want to leave him for too long because when I ran some errands yesterday, he told me he had a mini-panic attack. No bueno, loveys. So I'm on lockdown, as well.

Anyway, in the spirit of the new year, here are my resolutions for 2009 (I will not be starting any of this until Monday, January 5th and then I might have to suspend some for my birthday weekend, Friday, January 9th to Sunday, January 11th):

1. Love my body no matter what size it is. Size 4, 6, or 8 -Smart Cookie's Body is friggin' great!

2. Even though I'm going to love my body, I'm still going to work out 4-5/week. No point in getting all crazy in this mofo. I want to work on getting more toned. Turn some mush into muscle. I've joined these sassy bitches in their quest to lose the holiday poundage. They seem to be pretty hard-core, which honestly, is pretty intimidating, but it's easier when I'm held accountable.

I want to look not so much like this (stolen from the ever fab Scandy):

But more like this:3. Work on my relationship with the big G - O -D. I want to spend 15 minutes each day praying, reading the Bible, or just down right pondering my blessings and my place in this world.

4. Go to church twice a month. I'd like to go more often, obviously. But given our schedules and mood swings, I think that this is a realistic and attainable goal.

5. Take care of all my good stuff. My home, my car, my puppies, and my marriage -not necessarily in that order.

6. Get a new job. Stat. I'd like to kiss these mofos goodbye and say hello to a brand new set of mofos.

7. Take control of my finances. Or better yet, manage my finances better. Let's be honest, we've got bills, and unless we start making more benjamins, it's going to be more of the same. So instead of going whole hog, I'm going to be realistic about what I can and can't do. I can do it! I know I can.

8. Go back to school and get my master's degree.

9. Learn how to make jewelry. So random, right? But I think it will be really fun.

10. Figure out this baby thing. Get my business taken care of and follow up with doctor's appointments. Obviously I can't get pregnant on my own, so I need to get serious if I want some of these sweetpeas:11. Be kind to myself. No, really. I am my own BFF. Would I let anyone talk to my BFF the way I talk to myself? Hells no! So it's time to be nice. Change my inner monologue and love myself.

So enough about me, how about you?

Fab, New Site (Pour Moi, Anyway)

I just found this AMAZING site! It's fanfriggin'tastic! It's like playing dressup with unlimited amounts of money and the most beautiful selection of clothes and accessories. Perfect for a day of lounging while my lovey snores from his drug induced coma. I should be cleaning, but this is way more fun.

This is my first creation, in honor of my birthday next (this?) Friday. This outfit is so me, it's got my name all over it!

And this came next....

Garden Party by smartcookie

Have fun!

A Little Advice....

If you ever come home early and find your fiance drowning your cat in the bathtub (how Heathcliff Wuthering Heights-ish!), it's time to amscray and get the hell out before the sh!t really hits the fan.

Thank you TruTV and Dominick Dunne's Power, Privilege, & Justice. It would've taken me a while to figure out this one on my own.

Crack is Whack, And Other Quotes From My Beloved

A little back story: At night, I usually sleep in a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. My body temperature at night is a raging inferno, at least according to J. But last night, I slept in a t-shirt and my undies -laundry is way overdue. Anyway, that's what I was wearing while I was taking down the tree and generally moving the Christmas mess (empty boxes, wrapping paper, wreaths, lights, etc.) from one room in the house to another.

I was sweeping when J laid this little sparkler on me.

J: That's a nice (butt) crack you got there.

I giggle and continue to sweep the floor.

J: (At the top of his lungs) I LOVE crack!

LMAO. I'd like to attribute this funny exchange to all the medicine J's super high on, but I know he would've said it regardless.

2008, A Retrospective

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
The flying trapeze, blogging, facebook.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't keep them, but not for lack of trying. I definitely have some for this year, though.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one close to me, but some of my facebook friends gave birth this year. Lucky bitches.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank goodness.

5. What countries did you visit?
Sadly, none.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A baby, a new job, financial security.


7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My birthday. Hello, panic attack.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hmfp. Getting my Professional Certificate? Gosh, did I reallly accomplish nothing this year? *hangs head in shame.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Taking things too personally.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing physical, only mental. :)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Drapes for the master bedroom and guest room.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Gosh, I don't know. Tina Fey?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mr. & Mrs. LeDouchetard, my principal, and my students. Hate my job much?

14. Where did most of your money go?
To my closet.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Buying tickets for the Britney Spears concert this March.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Single Ladies, Beyonce. Just Dance, Lady Gaga.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
About the same
b) thinner or fatter?
Fatter
c) richer or poorer?
Poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Been happy with what I had.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Been sad for what I didn't.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I'm already head over heels for J.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Heroes, What Not to Wear.


23. Do you hate anyone this year that you didn't hate last year?
See #13.

24. What was the best book you read?
Eat, Pray, Love; Love the One You're With; Twilight series, esp. Eclipse.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My taste in music is pretty lame. If I "discover" anything, it's because it's so wildly popular, I'd have to be living under a rock not to "discover" it.

26. What did you want and get?
Anything I could charge that was under $100.

27. What did you want and not get?
A baby.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Twilight. LOVED it. I'm seriously considering getting a bootleg copy -gasp! I know, so illegal!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 32 in 2008 and had the worst panic attack I've ever had in my LIFE. I had to leave school early, and I spent the day in bed, crying. :(

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
J being happily AND gainfully employed and financial security.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Feminine, flirty dresses.

32. What kept you sane?
J, spinning, shopping, blogging.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Robert Pattinson. Did you know that boy can sing, too? Loves it.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Don't judge me, please, but I'm not too interested in politics. I support our current president, and I'll support our next president as well.


35. Who did you miss?
No one.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Nobody NEW, but lots of new peeps I reconnected with.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

Just because you do your best, doesn't mean your best will be appreciated.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Have I been blind

Have I been lost

Inside my self and

My own mind

Hypnotized

Mesmerized

By what my eyes have seen?

Have I been wrong?

Have I been wise

To shut my eyes

And play along

Hypnotized

Paralyzed

By what my eyes have found

By what my eyes have seen

What they have seen?

-Natalie Merchant

"Carnival"

This is what it's going to be for 2009, bitches!



K, your turn!

Marshall's -A Love/Hate Relationship

So after my little adventure with J today in the emergency room, and after picking up J's prescription, I went for a little emotional detox at Marshall's. The Marshall's by my house is really awesome, and I can usually find some good stuff. The last time I was there, I got these really beautiful black patent pumps, and the time before that, I got a great CK push-up bra -I'm an A cup and can use all the help I can get.

But, the sucky thing about Marshall's is that you can never go looking for something. I found those great pumps because I was drawn to their siren song. After I found them, I realized they'd be perfect for a job interview (and I didn't even have my interview dress yet, or an umm, interview). But if you go looking for something in particular, it's guaranteed that you will NOT find it. Example: After I found that great CK bra, I went back looking for other CK bras, and NADA, ZERO, ZIP, ZILCH.

Anyway, today when I went, I found this great Rachel Bilson for DKNY dress (#4) for $19.99!



Only problem? I'd already bought it -FULL PRICE in September. I think it was $69 smackers, and the only reason I bought it was because I was doing some serious retail therapy after finding out a friend was pregnant with her third child. I get lots of compliments on it, but jeez! $20 bucks! And then, as I was casually checking out the bras, what should I see? Nothing but the very CK bra I was currently sporting, and which I paid, not full, but definitely not Marshall's price, on sale for $17! Ugh!


You see? You see why I love Marshall's while at the same time cursing it's existence? Because every time you go in, it's a gamble. You never know what you'll find. But I guess that's what keeps it exciting. Today I bought some black lace undies, a black Laundry sundress, and the same pumps I bought last month, but in red.


You got me Marshall's. You GOT ME!

Back Story

My first, brand-spankin' new day of 2009 was spent (drum roll, please).... in the emergency room! Ugh. J pulled his back, we're not really sure how, and was totally and completely incapacitated. I'm talking no movement, let me help you with your shoes, walking with a cane (thank you, grandpa), and being carted around in a wheelchair whenever possible. I honestly thought there were moments when he was going to just give up and pass out. And he's a boy! Even though he can be a big ol' baby about some stuff, he was pale and sweaty and looking altogether, no bueno.

We were only in the emergency room for about 2 1/2 hours. Ironically, we got there at a good time, and we didn't have to wait long. J kept looking at me all miserable and saying, "You know I'm not faking, right?" We usually differ on what to do on major dates -I like semi-social plans, and he prefers to stay in our homey cocoon. Anyway, I told him I for sure knew that he wasn't faking. What kind of sick f&ck would go through all that just to stay home on New Year's? Not my J, that's for damn sure.

J and I almost peed in our pants (ironic, no?) when the doctor asked him about his bowel movements. How 2nd grade are we? The doctor asked if J had peed or pooped on himself without his knowing it. Gross, mmmmmkay? Thankfully, his answer was a resounding NO.

Anyway, after an X-ray which showed that he did not have a stress fracture (no poop, Sherlock) or a severely herniated disk (yay!), we were given a prescription for hard-core meds and sent on our merry way.

At the moment, my love is sprawled in bed, hopped up on some serious painkillers, and in a food coma -we ate McDonald's for lunch and KFC for dinner. So much for starting the new year off right.

So, how about you? Did you get a good start?