Pet Peeves

• D.I.D. (Douche(s) in Disguise): This is a person that comes into your life -maybe as a friend, or a boy/girlfriend and s/he is really a butthole masquerading as a nice, normal person. These people seem cool/normal/kind/great, but their behavior is just a ruse to get you to trust them so that they can later work their evil mojo whammy on your unsuspecting ass. For example, Mrs. LeDouchetard and I used to be friendly acquaintances. I know, right? Quel surprise! Although we worked in the same place, our duties were so different, we rarely had time to interact. However, we would chat in the halls, and when she was pregnant with her last child, even though I hardly knew her, I bought her a small gift. Anyhoodle, we know how that relationship evolved. And I totally attribute it to the fact that she is a D.I.D.
• This Recession: Jeez, Louise. Let's get the ball rolling, people! The economy sucks. I GET IT! I'm living it for goodness sakes. Let's start looking at the bright side before I kill myself, mmmmkay?
• People Who Wear Street Clothes to the Gym: No. No. No. You should not be wearing jeans to work out. Let me break it down for you this way -it's an abomination. If you're working out in pants or shorts that have a button or zipper, it's time to invest a couple of dollars in elastic waistband pants. Oh, and as an aside. I don't want to see your tight-y white-ies when you're doing your Jean Claude Van Damme stretches on the treadmill in front of me. Keep moving, guy. Nothing to see here.
• The Lady at the Deli: I'm a super nice customer. Super. I'm polite, I wait my turn, and I'm all smiley and please and thank you-y. So. When I order my Boar's Head Maple Glazed Turkey, and I ask for it SHAVED, I don't want it SLICED. And when I kindly point out that I asked for it SHAVED, I don't appreciate you giving me a dirty look and telling me that it is SHAVED when it is clearly NOT. And when, because I am a scaredy-cat, I backdown and accept this "shaved" turkey and tell you, "Thank you. Have a nice day.", I don't appreciate that pissy look on your face and your refusal to wish me the same. You win, deli lady! You win! No need to be a bitch about it.
• Dog Hair: I've got three dogs. And these mothercluckers shed like nobody's damn business. Snoopy is loosing friggin' PATCHES of fur. Add white tile, and all I can say is, "Welcome to my nightmare."
• Dogs +Rain+Mud=Kill Me Now: The weather has been awful (That's another pet peeve, but I'll leave this one here). The morning starts out sunny, and then by 10:30/11:00, it starts getting dark and cloudy. Because the dogs are indoors during the day, when I get home from work, I like to let them hangout in the backyard after they eat. Snoopy hates being outside when it's raining, but last week, I peered outside, and he was actually standing in the rain instead of lounging under the covered patio. Hmmmm. And then I made the mistake of taking a nap and leaving the dogs outside. When I woke up, Snoopy was by the sliding glass door, covered head to paw IN MUD. He was BLACK. I had to hose him down and dry him off. Ugh.
• Mrs. LeDouchetard: Really? I need to get over this. But this bitch is like a thorn in my side. She's my friggin' white whale, the albatross around my neck (that's for all you literary types). Just thinking about her riles me up. Thankfully (and this goes against the whole purpose of a pet peeve list), I don't have to see her for 2 1/2 months.

K, I feel so much better now.