The World is Out to Get Me...

or welcome to my pity party.

1. Today I woke up to another huge piss puddle in the bedroom. Lucy, otherwise know as Leaky Faucets, peed in front of Whitey's cage. It happens. Every. Single. Morning.

2. I usually work on Mondays. I had already flat ironed my hair, put on my make-up, and was just about to change out of my granny panties (trying to avoid the dreaded visible panty lines)when my mom called. "Oh, are you working today? Yes? Hmmmm. I didn't call you, then. I thought I had mentioned that I needed you to work on Wednesday instead. Is that okay?"

Well, what am I going to say? No? So here I am. All dressed up and no place to go. I mean, I already went to the mall yesterday, and I'm too clean to clean, so what do I do with myself?

3. I used to be friends with S. We were carbon copies. And I really loved her. I'm not the easiest person to be friends with. I hate talking on the phone, fear of rejection usually prevents me from initiating plans, I'm incredibly anti-social, and I'm a little Rain Man particular about things. I know, right? Can't wait to be my friend? Move to the end of the line.

Anyhoodle, last year, S and her husband moved into a new house. They had a lot of parties and get togethers at their new house, and J and I were never invited. It bothered me (especially because J and S's husband were also friends, and they didn't forget to call J when they needed to borrow his work truck and help them move), but it was never a huge deal. Like I said, I'm pretty anti-social, and I don't need to be invited to everything.

Until her birthday.

S's birthday was the same day as my brother's wedding. The night before, I already had plans so J called S's husband to see what he was up to. And S's husband was all like, "Oh, we're having a barbecue for S's birthday. You didn't get the evite? Come on over."

Come on. You're not going to invite me to your BIRTHDAY? And you call me your BFF? No. No. No. And that was it. It was over. Because as difficult as it may be to be my friend, my friends know that I will literally cut a bitch if someone hurts them. Not on my watch. They're part of my gang, and like the Crips or the Latin Kings (without the poor fashion choices, life of crime, and unnecessary violence) they have my undying love and loyalty. But once I feel that a line has been crossed, it's over. And there's no going back.

So now I find out that she's pregnant. And I'm happy for her because I'm not a total evil bitch.

But, cookies? I'm sad for me.

4. Why is it that when I feel like I have a plan (I love plans and schedules and order), something always happens to fuck it up? Really? No, really?

And it's not even 10 fucking a.m.