Sad-Face :(

Today, I am a little bit of a sad-face girl. It's not really one thing, but a combination of things. Here's a list:

• I have to go back to work tomorrow. Usually, after a break like this, I look forward to going back to school. It's not that I miss working, as much as I miss my kids. But this year, not so much. To be honest, I'm dreading it just a lil' bit. I know that I'm over it because even though I've made each of my students personalized Christmas stockings, I'm thinking that I might not put up a tree in my classroom. Usually, my classroom looks like the spirit of Christmas threw up in there. But this year, I am just going through the motions.
• Today I went to the baby shower of an acquaintance. A couple of things bothered me. One, I realized I had just been invited as a courtesy (or out of pity), and I didn't really feel like I fit in. This wasn't too bad. My gift to the mom-to-be was also a courtesy gift. Usually I go all out, especially if it's a baby girl, but this time, I didn't make an effort. I couldn't wait until enough time had passed for me to make my getaway. Two, I've got the baby blues. It's difficult to explain. It's not that I'm jealous of S, or that she's pregnant, or anything like that, though to be honest, when I first found out she was pregnant, a month after getting married, I cried as if one of my dogs had died, and there was a time when just thinking about it literally made me sick with envy. But now, I'm happy that I'm skinny and can do my own thing. It sounds superficial, but just like kids are a blessing, not having kids is a blessing as well. But for how long? I'll be 33 in six weeks. It goes so much deeper than this, but my head and my heart can not put it into words.
• J has had his crankypants on for awhile. He's always tired, and everything bothers him. He's told me it's not me, but it affects me anyway. He's just not himself, and the balance of our relationship is a little off.

It's tough. But let's practice the power of perception and look on the bright side.

• I only have three weeks of work before my next vacation. I kinda hate my job now, but that's a definite perk.
• Tomorrow, I am going to call the fertility specialist and restart the process of checking out my female business. I know I have to have surgery to remove a polyp, so I'll get that squared away.
• This is just a rough patch. What doesn't kill us, just makes us stronger. We're luckier than most, in that we really love each other. We'll get through it.