Cranky Pants

I'm wearing them, and they are super tight! Today, I am super pissy. For beaucoup reasons, bien sur!


Dear Parent,

I get that you think I'm an overpaid babysitter, but let me set the record straight -I am OVERQUALIFIED to be your child's second grade teacher. OVER-effing-QUALIFIED. Cum Laude, bitch. Cum-effing-Laude. So, when I tell you that your child has difficulty concentrating and that I am concerned about his inability to finish his work, not for lack of academic ability, mind you, but because he may have ADD, don't you tell me that you don't think so! Excuse me? Do I go to your job and talk out of my butt? Do I? NO! And here's why: I don't know anything about your business. I trust that you know your business. Likewise, my business is your child's academic, emotional and spiritual growth. I'm a PROFESSIONAL, motherclucker. Now, last I checked, your IQ doesn't drop once you have a baby, so why don't you stop acting like it has, put on your big ol' parental panties/briefs, and be your child's parent! If you really have your child's best interests at heart, you'll listen to what I tell you. You don't have to agree with it, but don't you dare go out and bad mouth me to other parents or to your child, who is now talking back to me and giving me some serious 'tude.

Sincerely,

Smart Cookie

P.S. Your child does not need a TUTOR! Stop being so ridiculous and get it together.

Dear Gym Rats,

I get that you love spinning. I love it, too. Lots. I wish that I could do it more often. In fact, I wish that I could have so much free time, that I could wait a whole freaking hour in line to take a one hour spinning class, for a total of two hours, not including travel time. But I can't. And that's okay. Those are the breaks, and I make the time when I can. But, if you have enough time to wait and take a class from the best instructors 5-7 times a week, sometimes twice on the same day, then your ass should be going all Houdini and diminishing, disappearing the abracadabra hell away! No way would I not fit into any of my clothes if I had the time to spin that often! You should be dropping minimum, MINIMUM a pound a week! WHAT DO YOU EAT that you are not losing any weight, you should be dropping WEIGHT! Do you eat nacho cheese for breakfast? It's time to start evaluating the facts because this business has me concerned all up in this hizzy.
Sincerely,

Smart Cookie

P.S.

1. Going to the sauna before spinning class so that you can sweat more? Hello? How are you not 100 pounds?!

2. Hooting and hollering when your favorite song comes on is obnoxious and causes my eyes to roll so far back into my head that I am worried I might have a seizure. Reign it in, ladies. Reign it in.

Dear Money,

Remember me? Where have you gone? How long do you plan to stay away? I miss you! Please come back soon.

Love,

Smart Cookie

K, I feel so much better now.