Sad-Face :(

Today, I am a little bit of a sad-face girl. It's not really one thing, but a combination of things. Here's a list:

• I have to go back to work tomorrow. Usually, after a break like this, I look forward to going back to school. It's not that I miss working, as much as I miss my kids. But this year, not so much. To be honest, I'm dreading it just a lil' bit. I know that I'm over it because even though I've made each of my students personalized Christmas stockings, I'm thinking that I might not put up a tree in my classroom. Usually, my classroom looks like the spirit of Christmas threw up in there. But this year, I am just going through the motions.
• Today I went to the baby shower of an acquaintance. A couple of things bothered me. One, I realized I had just been invited as a courtesy (or out of pity), and I didn't really feel like I fit in. This wasn't too bad. My gift to the mom-to-be was also a courtesy gift. Usually I go all out, especially if it's a baby girl, but this time, I didn't make an effort. I couldn't wait until enough time had passed for me to make my getaway. Two, I've got the baby blues. It's difficult to explain. It's not that I'm jealous of S, or that she's pregnant, or anything like that, though to be honest, when I first found out she was pregnant, a month after getting married, I cried as if one of my dogs had died, and there was a time when just thinking about it literally made me sick with envy. But now, I'm happy that I'm skinny and can do my own thing. It sounds superficial, but just like kids are a blessing, not having kids is a blessing as well. But for how long? I'll be 33 in six weeks. It goes so much deeper than this, but my head and my heart can not put it into words.
• J has had his crankypants on for awhile. He's always tired, and everything bothers him. He's told me it's not me, but it affects me anyway. He's just not himself, and the balance of our relationship is a little off.

It's tough. But let's practice the power of perception and look on the bright side.

• I only have three weeks of work before my next vacation. I kinda hate my job now, but that's a definite perk.
• Tomorrow, I am going to call the fertility specialist and restart the process of checking out my female business. I know I have to have surgery to remove a polyp, so I'll get that squared away.
• This is just a rough patch. What doesn't kill us, just makes us stronger. We're luckier than most, in that we really love each other. We'll get through it.

Novemberlutions, Week 4, Final Wrap-Up

Things I've learned:

1. It's easy to control my weight when I exercise 5x/week and slightly modify my eating habits. My final weight is 132.5- I lost six pounds in 30 days! Holla at your girl! I totally think I would have lost more weight (at least a pound or two), had it not been for Thanksgiving on Thursday, and the subsequent, delicious leftovers. Oh, and J and I had Carvel for dinner on Wednesday. :) I'm going to keep working out. I'd love to lose 3-4 more pounds and be at my happy, goal weight of 129. I think that'll be perfect a la Goldilocks, not too fat, not too thin, but just right.
2. My finances are my finances, and unless we start making more money, we cannot cut anything out of our budget that would make a significant difference. I've thought about cutting the cable and the phone (landline & internet) and maybe getting rid of one car, but that would create more problems than it would solve. If we're poor, how are we going to entertain ourselves? For relatively zero dollars? It's a riddle, my friends. So, I think what I've learned is that I need to accept my current financial situation, which is broke-ass, and plan for my future. It's difficult to save when we are always in the minus. But, I am thinking happy thoughts and praying for a brighter future.
3. I shop when I'm sad. It's then that I am unable to resist the siren song of the mall. But, I have noticed that it's easier to not shop when I don't set foot at the mall. Easy enough, right? Once I'm in the pit, I start thinking I want things I don't need, and I'm in DANGER, DANGER, DANGER. Week three was pretty disastrous. But I have realized that when I do shop, I'm trying to focus more on quality, not quantity. And, based on all the clothes I gave away while cleaning out my closet, if I don't love something, I'm not going to buy it. It's not a good deal if I don't ever wear it. Duh.
4. I did not write the chick lit novel of my dreams. I wrote 1001 words, got stuck, and gave up. I didn't do it this month, but I really think that I can do it. I'm not going to give up on this dream. I promise myself, and you, that one day, you'll log on and the post title will be, I DID IT!

I didn't do much of what I set out to do, but it was definitely a learning experience, and any learning experience is an opportunity for growth. And I've learned my friends. I've learned.

Un-SHOP-Able

Does the title have you all concerned? Do you feel like you've accidentally logged into an alternate iheartsmartcookie blog universe? Are all your molecules shouting, Is it real? Could it be true? Read on, smart cookie lover, read on....

After not visiting the psychic yesterday, C and I went to Big Lots. Which I HATE. Full on hate. Not dislike, HATE. It's not that I'm a snob, or that I think I'm somehow too good for Big Lots. Hey, do you guys know how poor I am? I like a deal as much as the next smart cookie. But for reals, my friends, for reals, Big Lots needs a makeover. I, a master shopper, a shopaholic if you will, cannot shop in a place that is so aesthetically unpleasing. Dim lighting? Dusty shelves? Overwhelming amount of merchandise? Check, check, check. Oh. My. Word. My body has an almost visceral reaction when I'm in Big Lots. All of a sudden, I can't breathe, I CAN'T BREATHE, and all I want to do is get the hells on out of there.

But C needed soap, and while she was there she also bought some frames for her art and a candle. And she bought me some ribbon for my Christmas wreaths. They were only $1, but do you see why I love her so much? It's not that the ribbon was only $1, it's that that's just the way she is. She's a giver, a caretaker, and even in the midst of her emotional shitstorm, she was thinking about me. I heart that girl something serious. But, no matter how much I love her, I still hate Big Lots. When we left the store, it was as if I could finally breathe again. You may have good deals Big Lots -BUT YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ME!!!!

I also hate Nordstrom, Last Chance, which is where we went next. C loves this place, and I have no idea how, but she always finds such great stuff there. The last time she went, she bought a bunch of cool shoes, bikini bottoms (yes, just the bottoms, more on that later), a purse, and some cute tops and dresses. And C's friend E once found a pair of PRADA shoes for $23. Word on the street is sometimes you can find 7 jeans, True Religion I say no but they keep givin'. J.K. But really. E told me some people shop for the name brands and then make a bundle of money selling stuff on ebay.

Ugh, but this is another place that overwhelms me to end. That, and the fact that like Big Lots, it suffers from being aesthetically unpleasing. Oh yeah, and some of the clothes and shoes have been worn. YES! WORN! ABW! Already been worn. Gross. But apparently, that place gets KRAZY. Full on krazy. Like there are a list of shopping rules posted at the front of the store. Stuff that you would think would go without saying. Like, don't take stuff out of other people's carts. Really? Is that frowned upon? Oh, and here's something else. Apparently, they have times throughout the week where they roll out designer duds and people have to wait in line to check it out. Today must've been one of those days because we saw a bunch of people in line, and when C asked what they were waiting for, a lady with ONE TOOTH, uttered the word, designer. Um, anyone else concerned about this circus?

Anyway, C pinky swore me that I would find something there. I was doubtful. But I did! A pair of hot pink pumps. So beautiful. Until I checked the bottoms. ABW, my friends. No sale. Then I found, OMG you'll die when I tell you, a pair of the cutest, most beautiful, Juicy Couture bikini bottoms. They were aqua with white hearts and white ruffles. It's like they had my name on them. But here's the clincher. No top. A bikini sans the top, if you remember, is not a bikini. But then I remembered that I had ordered this bikini top last week:

And problem solved. The bikini bottoms were $9.97, reduced from $74. So I did it. I bought them. My first purchase from that dark, dingy ABW store. And honestly, I have a feeling it'll be my last.

Now, I need to know.... Is it just me? Does anyone else feel this way about shopping some of these discount stores? I mean, I LOVE Marshalls, but I HATE Ross. I love Dollar Tree, but I HATE the Dollar Store, the kind that sells food. Goodness, there's one on Kendall that has awesome food deals, but has such a disturbing smell that I gotta hightail it outta there.

Leave me some love letting me know your favorite places to save money. And just for giggles, your least favorite.

Happy Turkey Day!

Thanksgiving is, for shizzle, my most favorite-est holiday in the whole wide world. I love it because it's genuinely about being thankful. It's not fancy like Christmas, with bright, blinking lights, holly and mistletoe, and beaucoup presents under the deliciously smelling Christmas tree, or commercialized like Valentine's Day, filled with fancy dinners, red roses, and boxes of chocolates, or like New Year's, thick with it's promise of new beginnings and clean slates. Thanksgiving is true and real. It's like the best parts of all those holidays without all the expectations and disappointments. It's a day where I can look at my life, skip over all the worries and potential freakouts, and think, I am blessed. My cup runneth over.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Psychic Revelations

Yesterday, my lovely cousin C called and asked if I wanted to play today. A chance to hang out with that big ol' ball of sunshine? Duh. I jumped at the chance. She's feeling a bit untethered at the moment, a little like her shine has been dulled, so she proposed going to see a psychic. Now, I'm no virgin psychic -or is it psychic virgin? Never mind. Point is, I've seen a psychic before. I once paid a lady $50 smackaroonies, and I swear on all that's good and holy that she knew my life, spot on. Like, literally. Like, she named names, my friend. Named effing names! It was at a time in my life, when like C, I just wanted someone to look into her crystal ball and give me a feather of hope. Just a little something to get me over the bridge of uncertainty that my life had become.

But, that was then, and this is now, so I was a little wary. Being Christian and all, psychic-ness is a wee bit frowned upon. Why see a psychic when the big G-O-D can speak to you personally, one on one? And I believe that, wholeheartedly. I really do. But sometimes, just sometimes, I want God to tell me, physically, in person, straight up. And since that's impossible, there was a small part of me that was intrigued by the possibility of finding out a smidge about my future. Babies? Job opportunites? What? What? I wanted to know.

So despite my Bible-thumping reservations, I decided to go. And I was all kinds of excited about it. Like for reals. But, on the way to the psychic lady's house, I started to flip out. My guilt kicked in, and I began to worry. I started to think to myself, If God doesn't want me to go, maybe I'll get into a car accident or something. I know, I know. Full on crazy. God doesn't operate like that, dummy.

But, wouldn't you know? When I was almost there, C called to tell me that she was at the psychic's house, but the psychic WAS NOT! C knocked on the door and some lady answered, and said that the psychic lady would be out all day. No point in waiting. Do not collect $200, do not pass go. And honestly, I was a bit sad-face, but I was also a teeny bit relieved as well. You can interpret it however you like, but I think I got my answer. It might not have been the answer I was hoping for, but it was definitely an answer. I guess I'll just have to find out the old fashioned way.

Things I Lurve, November

Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday. EVER. Hydrangeas. So beautiful. They were THE flowers in my wedding. I just wish they grew here.It's Britney, bitches. Don't call it a comeback! I have a small girl crush on Ms. Spears.

I'm so happy she's in her right mind again. Most of the shoes of my closet are from here. Sassy & affordable. What Not to Wear. Even episodes I've already watched.

I want to be BFF with Stacy and Clinton.

This blog. Always new ideas to get out of my noodle.

And other blogs. There's always something new to read.

Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.

Victoria's Secret swimwear. Super cute, easy mix & match, and I live in Miami, suckers!

Beach weather almost all year round!

My cuddle buddy, Snoopy.

Vacation.

Without it, I wouldn't be sitting here writing about a few of my favorite things.

How Perfect is This?

I love this! It's my new mantra.

I found this little piece of perfection while I was doing my new favorite thing, reading random blogs. If you want to buy one, go to: sfgirlbybay. They come in a variety of mouth-watering, super delicious colors. I think I'll get one in juicy orange. The frame is not included, but you can purchase a frame from ikea.

Carry on....

Coming Clean

Being a shopaholic and a bit messy is a dangerous combination when it comes to:

my CLOSET! Gasp!

Since I have the whole week off work (thank you Jesus!) I decided to clean out my closet. It's pretty big, but it was such a mess that it was giving me anxiety just going in there. And forget about getting dressed. There were clothes EVERYWHERE, so it was really hard to figure out what I had, or what was clean, or what still fit, or what needed to be ironed. Sometimes, I would tear through the closet looking for my black cardigan or my white cami and make an even bigger mess. Oh. My.Word. Here are some things I learned from cleaning out my closet:

1. No more shoes. Flats, sandals, dressy heels, pumps, wedges -I have a gazillion pairs -some I have never even worn!
2. Ixnay on any more Victoria's Secret workout t's. I've got bunches, which I can finally see because there all in the same place, as opposed to scattered all over the closet.
3. Buying stuff on sale is a waste unless I really love it. I put some stuff, WITH THE TAGS STILL ON IT, in the Goodwill bag.
4. Dark jeans, light jeans, skinny jeans, straight leg jeans. NO MORE JEANS. I have them in fat and skinny sizes, so I'm good no matter what my weight may be.
5. Might be a good idea to invest in some good bras.
6. Found some super cute velvet blazers that I forgot I even had!
7. Bathing suits, my new addiction. Must go to rehab.

Anyway, I rearranged all my drawers, organized all my shoes, hung up all my clothes neatly, and VOILA!

It took me three hours (I was cleaning out the bathroom and doing laundry in between), but I DID IT! Absolute perfection. I still have a buttload of ironing to do, and all those clothes are still on the floor, but I'll start on that tomorrow. Yay for me!

Weekend Update

SATURDAY:

MAJOR MELTDOWN. I went spinning Saturday morning, and when I returned, Whitey had escaped from his cage and had wreaked havoc ALL OVER the house. He emptied the entire contents of my purse, my school bag, and my wallet (don't ask me how, it has a turn and lock clasp). Not only did he manage to make a total mess, but he ate an eraser, which he later threw up, pooped on the bathroom rug, peed on the dining room curtains, and chewed on my phone. FUN TIMES!

The mess pushed me over the edge. So I started to cry, the ugly cry. And I looked and sounded like a crazy crackhead. You know when you're crying so hard that your face gets all puffy and snot is coming out of your nose and when your not pushing actual tears out, you're just whimpering like a small puppy? Yep, that was me. And I was talking to myself. Like out loud, not in my head. Like a crazy person. And I was repeating the same thing over and over again a la Dane Cook, "I'm so tired, I just can't do it anymore." Lather, rinse, repeat. And it was funny because it was almost like I was outside of myself, watching myself, and thinking to myself, Whom do I sound like? Hmmm. Maybe like my.... MOTHER! Oh my! My DNA rears it's ugly head again! You can't escape the crazy! Couple that with a wicked case of PMS, and you have the perfect recipe for the aforementioned meltdown.

THIRD TIME'S A CHARM. I love Clinton Kelly from TLC's What Not to Wear. I've seen him twice at Macy's events. He's funny, and charming, and downright adorable. This Saturday, I cemented my stalker status by going to see him for the third time. To be fair, I went with my friend A, whom I had reconnected with on Facebook. For me, it was more about seeing and spending time with her. Although we weren't close in high school (I was really quiet and shy, and I think, well I know, that people interpreted that behavior as standoffish and bitchy), we've grown closer (Thank you, internet!), and it was good to finally be able to get together. I was pleased that the whole outing unfolded very organically, I didn't feel awkward or shy, and I genuinely had a good time, which surprised J to no end because he knows how reserved I can be around people. My favorite quote is, "I like people -just in small doses!" We had a great time, and I thoroughly enjoyed her company.

FUDDRUCKERS. For dinner. I lurve it. It's the only place, besides the occasional McDonald's craving, where I will eat a hamburger. Deliciousness. J had suggested going to the beach for dinner, but with all the driving I had done during the day, I was a little dizzy.

SUNDAY:

PARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? When I was at U.M., I spent one summer abroad at the American University of Paris. While other students stayed in the dorms, I was lucky enough to be offered the chance to stay at a university apartment, which was way cooler than the dorms and in a much hipper (and safer) part of the city. My roommate C was also a student at U.M, and we became fast friends. Over the years, we lost touch, mostly because of me. I have a hard time maintaining relationships, not for lack of want, but for ridiculous insecurities that I seriously need to get over. Anyway, we reconnected via Facebook, and we made plans to get together for brunch at a yummy French cafe on the beach. It was great to see her. We had a lot of catching up to do. Her husband passed away last December, and as she sat across from me, I was in complete awe. Here she was, a widow at 29 (she's 30 now), and a single mother of a two year old. I was really impressed by her candor and her strength. Like with A, I felt very comfortable, and it was as if we just picked up where we had left off. I had a lovely time with her, and when I mentioned trapezing to her, she got very excited and said she'd love to try it. I told her I'd love to do it again so if she planned on doing it, to count me in.

BEST SIGHT. As I was leaving the beach, I saw a guy riding a bicycle in a RED THONG! Hot damn! Priceless! By the time I realized I had my camera in my purse, it was too late. :(

TARGET. After brunch, I went to Target. I wanted to buy some decorations for Christmas, and they have a bunch of decorations in my signature colors -green, hot pink, purple, at affordable prices. I spent more than was affordable -while I was there I saw a great shirt that J would look super handsome in and I have a baby shower next week, so I figured I might as well get that out of the way.

MR. CLEAN, MR. CLEAN. When I got home, I started to clean the germ hole that is otherwise known as my bathroom.

OVERVIEW

After such a craptastic week, this weekend was everything I needed. I'm so happy I didn't chicken out and back out of seeing and reconnecting with my old friends. I feel like it was a really big step for me and oddly enough, I feel it's given me a teeny bit of perspective. I'm still overwhelmed by the mundane and underwhelmed by the bigger picture, but I think I'll be okay. And in the end, what more could I ask for?

Novemberlutions, Week Three

Oh my word! Progress this week has been, sucky-sucky. Let's just say, in all areas, I have been bingeing, and not in a good way. Though I guess, bingeing by definition has a negative connotation, no?

HEALTH: I am getting my period this week, and I have been craving cheese like a crackhead. Devil, thy name be nachos. Tonight J and I had Fudruckers -deliciousness. And a friend and I will be meeting for brunch at an authentic French cafe tomorrow for yummy crepes, so even though I'll be exercising tomorrow morning (I've exercised 5x this week, as usual, though not as intensely as I have in previous weeks), the eating healthy is on hold until Monday.

J says that I'm looking thinner, and I feel a little more toned. So even though my weight is 133.5, up 1/2 a pound from the previous week, I sort of feel like it's out of my control. It's the hormones, or hormoneys like the aunt from My Big Fat Greek Wedding would say.

FINANCES: Yikes. That's all I have to say. YIKES.

DREAM: I have to remember I want to WRITE a book. NOT READ BOOKS under the pretense of research.

Random Ramblings

Today I was:

• done with school! At least for one whole week! Sayonara suckers! I'm giddy with all the possibilities!



• excited to see Clinton Kelly for the third time! Stalker, much? I already have my outfit planned, and I'm even happier because I get to go with an old friend I haven't seen in years. Yay!



• super pms-y. If I could have NACHOS, my food of choice on IV, I soooo would. Yo quiero Taco Bell. No joke. Yo quiero Taco Bell.
  
• thinking about a distant, maybe, future job opportunity. I have a friend who's a Mr. Big Shot at a pharmaceutical company and he's willing to put me through boot camp so that if a job were to come up, I'd be ready.


• planning my new wardrobe for my non-existent job. I'm thinking classy shift dresses in neutral colors. I LOVE this look. I'm already compiling a wish list. So like me. The first thing I think about is the clothes. :)

• dreading writing my Novemberlutions update for tomorrow. Three Words. Off the wagon. I can't even see the wagon. That's how far I've fallen off.


• dreading going for a run, but with all the nachos, I have no choice.

I'm better.

For now.

over it. so over it.

i'm going all e.e. cummings in this business. this post will contain profanity and a lack of grammar, and if you know me at all, you'll know that these two things are sure signs of my deteriorating mental state.

i feel like that guy in greek mythology who was punished by the gods and forced to roll a boulder up a mountain, only to watch it roll down again; or that other guy, the one who pissed some god off and had a bird peck his gizzard out on a daily basis. i'm on the losing team, and it fucking sucks. it's groundhog day for me, every single day. i'm a hyperbole, a roller coaster unto myself, no happy medium with me, and today we are in the pit, my friend. the ninth circle. it's everything. everything. everything. because everything is so fucking intertwined. it affects me to no end.

i was so out of my skin bothered today that i went to the mall -gasp! yes, i went to the mall. i was going to buy some really cute gray velvet pants at Old Navy, but the line was full of tourists, the kind that buy 80 articles of clothing for $3.99 and want to check the price on EVERY single item. i put the pants back, and went to the banana republic outlet. i tried on a bunch of stuff, everything ridiculously expensive, and dark, dark dark. black is not my color. there were some pants that fit me really well and would've been great for work, but they were $60 and that was too much. until, i saw that they were 50%. worth it, so i bought two pairs. since i've gained weight, i don't fit into any of my pants. in september, i bought two pairs at new york and company (with one of those coupons that give you a huge discount, like if you spend $75, they give you a $30 discount). i wear them all the time, but they fit horribly. the crotch is two inches beneath where my actual business is. i have no idea what i was thinking when i purchased them. anyway, even though i bought those BR pants, they didn't make me happy. it made me even pissier because let's face it, work pants are WORK pants. BORING.

and i wish i could just fast-forward my life a la click and see where i am in six months. has anything changed? am i content? am i moving forward? because right now i'm stuck in a mire of crap. i'm 32 years old and i feel like i'm so behind. like the starting gun went off and i was tying my shoe laces and adjusting my sports bra, and wtf? i'm behind!

and jeez, i feel like such a whiny bitch. my mental dialogue is on fucking repeat. repeat. repeat. and there are people that have it so much worse. but i swear to you, today i just don't give a shit.

i'm going to look at the victoria's secret resort catalog and see if that makes me feel better.

Really? No, REALLY?!

I was on ebay this evening, trying to see if it would be worth it to sell some of my old COACH bags, seeing as I'm a broke bitch and all. And, as I was scrolling down, comparing the prices of various bags (totally not worth selling mine online), I came across this:

Um, really? I don't think so.

Trapeze Me, Please!

K, so if you remember, I mentioned some weeks ago that I wanted to do the flying trapeze. I was all hyped up about it, but it was tough trying to find peeps to go with me. Luckily, when I mentioned it to my coworker S, she was all into it. She asked some of her friends as well, and she set up this afternoon's class.

I met S and three of her friends this afternoon at Bayfront Park, where they've got, drum roll please, THE FLYING TRAPEZE! We got there early because we knew we'd have to fill out paperwork -you know, papers with our emergency contact information and a release stating that we would not hold them responsible if we got injured... or DIED! Whatever. Then, we got started. But not before learning the ground rules (hahaha, so funny) for the flying trapeze. The first is

"Never step under the net."

The second is, "No really, never step under the net." What?! The first and the second are the same?! How about, "Don't let go!" or "Dying is not allowed!" Hello? That had me nervous from the get go. I like to operate under strict parameters. I am not a fly by the seat of my pants (I'm hysterical!) kinda gal. I was so nervous, I seriously thought I was going to dry heave. Oh, and um, I kinda failed to mention, I'm TERRIFIED of heights.

Anyway, I let the other girls do it first, and by the time it was my turn, I was so jittery I could not control my bodily functions. I kept hopping from foot to foot and waving my hands. I looked
like I was having a seizure. The girl at the base of the ladder told me not to worry, "First time is fear, second time is fun!", she chirped. I asked her if it was okay for me to cry. Sidenote, S asked her if anyone has ever changed their mind once they got up on the ledge and just come back down. She replied, "Um, we don't really like that." Mmmmkay?

So I started to climb up the ladder. S.C.A.R.Y. Straight up (oh goodness, I'm full of these today). It was SO HIGH! But I managed to get up there. I never looked down. And the fact that I was in a harness definitely helped.

When you're up there, there are two people with you. They unclip the ladder harness, and then clip the trapeze harness. Someone's holding onto you as you edge your toes past the ledge, grab a hold of the bar with your right hand, all the while holding onto the ladder with your left. Then, you grab onto the bar with your left, stomach out, head up, and once you hear, "Ready? Hop!", you hop off the ledge. Yeah, you're just supposed to let go. And believe me, it was difficult letting go. You're body is pumping with adrenaline, but you are still in your right mind, and your right mind is telling you, or rather YELLING at you, "For the love of all that's good and holy -DON'T LET GO!" But, I did let go, and not too ungracefully I might add. S took some great video of me. Here's are two links to check it out:

First try:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gR8gFrWt8ZM

Second to last try -great ending flip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIM1sat-tMU

AND IT WAS SO FUN!!!! I did it five times, and the lady was right. After the first time, it was definitely not AS scary. I'm only sad that I wasn't able to get it together for the last trapeze and let that guy catch me. Oh, well. There's
always next time. Catch YOU later!

yearbookyourself.com

Um, so okay, I'm way cuter now in 2008 than I would ever be way back when. Agreed?

Happy Thoughts

This year, my school began a new enrichment project for the elementary students; we are planting an organic garden. We are partnering with an orphanage in India, whose children are also planting a garden. On Thursday, one of the volunteers from the orphanage came to our school to talk to our students about their new "brothers and sisters" in India. She asked all of our students to take off their shoes and gave each child a piece of newspaper and a cracker. She then told our students that the newspaper was their bed and their blanket, and the cracker was their whole meal for the day, unless they had brothers or sisters, in which case they would share that one tiny cracker with them. The students were shocked and amazed. Living in the land of plenty, blessed beyond belief, makes it difficult to comprehend having to fight with wild dogs for food from the garbage, living on the streets without parents, and just plain having to survive such a harsh life.

And I was extremely touched as well. I complain SO much about what I DON'T have, that I rarely focus on what I DO have. So, similar to my lovely S, here's a list of things I'm thankful for:

• J, without him I'd think I'd be in the fetal position most of the time.
• My family, they drive me crazy, but they love me beyond belief. They're always encouraging me, giving me advice, trying to ESP my thoughts, and helping me out in any way they can. Special shout out to: My mom & dad, L (who speaks to anyone about how they got pregnant and then gets their doctor's name and phone number and passes it on to me), E, C, Nana, Pachu, S, L, and V.
• My friends, I really don't have many, a hazard of hating to talk on the phone, but the handful that I have always make me smile.
• My home, it's small and cute and adorably decorated, and even though it's not the cleanest, three dogs makes it difficult, it's home, and I love it.
• My dogs, especially Snoopy, who I let sleep in the bed with me and with whom I don't have to fight for food.
• My body, I know it sounds odd, especially when I'm always bitching about losing weight, but I'm thankful because my body is healthy and strong. I can get out of bed easily, exercise, and play. I can feel my heart pounding, my breath labored, as I run. And there's no better feeling.
• Books, I've read three this week, and nothing is my "Calgon, take me away" like a good book.
• Hot showers, good blowouts, highlights, massages, manicures and pedicures, even though my recent financial state has put the kaibosh on manis and pedis (I'd eat rocks to get my hair highlighted, and I signed a 12 month contract at Massage Envy in June when our financial picture was much brighter so I can get a massage every month, I know, I know, poor me), I love pampering myself, even if it's just taking a shower after a sweat session at the gym.
• Facebook, which has allowed me to get in touch with old friends, and more specifically has made it easier to become closer to some. I'm talking about you, A!
• The Internet, blogging, shopping, catching up on gossip -I heart the internet.
• Money, please don't drop dead because if you read this blog at all you know that money is my biggest concern, and we still live paycheck to paycheck, but we live, we manage, and put in that perspective, it sure doesn't suck.
• My future, I've got one, I don't know what it is, but I don't really need to, God is in control, right? So I'm going to just try and enjoy the ride.

So think about it. What are you thankful for? I bet when you stop and think about it, you'll realize that your glass is half full.

Novemberlutions, Week Two

Here's my Novemberlutions report card:

Health A+ Claudia has been working hard to meet her goals this week. She has been eating more healthily, has added more fruits and vegetables to her diet, is trying to eat less processed foods (sayonara, Lean Cuisine), and has been fueling her body every three hours. Although she has not been strength training, her spinning classes provide an excellent strenght workout for her legs and arms. Her weight this morning was 133 lbs. Although this may increase slightly, I am very proud of her progress. However, she needs to work out her abs at least three times a week.

Finances B- Claudia has made significant progress in this subject; however, she did have a moment of fashionista weakness when she purchased a pair of shoes online. Granted, these shoes were on sale, reduced from $109.95 to 29.95, but with sales tax and shipping, the total was $39.11. She purchased these shoes with cash (ATM debit), but she needs another pair of shoes like Britney needs another bag of cheetos. Besides this setback, she is committed to continue being more financially responsible.

Claudia is also doing her best to network for a new job. She understands that it may take some time, but she is giving it to the Man Upstairs. She knows He will lead her in the right direction.

Dreams D- Claudia has not made any progress in this subject this week. Granted, she has had a difficult week at work, but if she does not take this subject more seriously, she will be unable to meet her goal. Thankfully, she has Thanksgiving week off, and hopefully, she will take her assignment more seriously. It would be a shame to have to post a failing grade on December 1st, but unless she takes more of an initiative, that just may be the case.

Cranky Pants

I'm wearing them, and they are super tight! Today, I am super pissy. For beaucoup reasons, bien sur!


Dear Parent,

I get that you think I'm an overpaid babysitter, but let me set the record straight -I am OVERQUALIFIED to be your child's second grade teacher. OVER-effing-QUALIFIED. Cum Laude, bitch. Cum-effing-Laude. So, when I tell you that your child has difficulty concentrating and that I am concerned about his inability to finish his work, not for lack of academic ability, mind you, but because he may have ADD, don't you tell me that you don't think so! Excuse me? Do I go to your job and talk out of my butt? Do I? NO! And here's why: I don't know anything about your business. I trust that you know your business. Likewise, my business is your child's academic, emotional and spiritual growth. I'm a PROFESSIONAL, motherclucker. Now, last I checked, your IQ doesn't drop once you have a baby, so why don't you stop acting like it has, put on your big ol' parental panties/briefs, and be your child's parent! If you really have your child's best interests at heart, you'll listen to what I tell you. You don't have to agree with it, but don't you dare go out and bad mouth me to other parents or to your child, who is now talking back to me and giving me some serious 'tude.

Sincerely,

Smart Cookie

P.S. Your child does not need a TUTOR! Stop being so ridiculous and get it together.

Dear Gym Rats,

I get that you love spinning. I love it, too. Lots. I wish that I could do it more often. In fact, I wish that I could have so much free time, that I could wait a whole freaking hour in line to take a one hour spinning class, for a total of two hours, not including travel time. But I can't. And that's okay. Those are the breaks, and I make the time when I can. But, if you have enough time to wait and take a class from the best instructors 5-7 times a week, sometimes twice on the same day, then your ass should be going all Houdini and diminishing, disappearing the abracadabra hell away! No way would I not fit into any of my clothes if I had the time to spin that often! You should be dropping minimum, MINIMUM a pound a week! WHAT DO YOU EAT that you are not losing any weight, you should be dropping WEIGHT! Do you eat nacho cheese for breakfast? It's time to start evaluating the facts because this business has me concerned all up in this hizzy.
Sincerely,

Smart Cookie

P.S.

1. Going to the sauna before spinning class so that you can sweat more? Hello? How are you not 100 pounds?!

2. Hooting and hollering when your favorite song comes on is obnoxious and causes my eyes to roll so far back into my head that I am worried I might have a seizure. Reign it in, ladies. Reign it in.

Dear Money,

Remember me? Where have you gone? How long do you plan to stay away? I miss you! Please come back soon.

Love,

Smart Cookie

K, I feel so much better now.

The Guy Not Taken

One of my favorite short stories was written by Jennifer Weiner, author of In Her Shoes and Good in Bed. It's titled, The Guy Not Taken, and in it, a young woman, overwhelmed by her life and responsibilities, finds herself wistfully reminiscing about an old love, and what would have happened if.... The next morning when she wakes up, she finds herself in her what if and realizes that her what if is not the fairy tale life she had imagined, and that her life has followed the course that it should have. This story perfectly captures the way I feel when I think about the boys I've loved and what my life would have been like if....

There was my first boyfriend, a four year affair of heartache and torment, where I found myself inexplicably bound to a boy who was not only manipulative, but a liar and a cheater to boot, who was always looking for the next best thing, bigger and better, even if I was standing right next to him. He was the type of boy who would point out an attractive girl in a crowd and wonder aloud, why I never dressed like that. The type of boy who reveled in my low self-esteem, easier to keep me as a bird in the hand while he flirted with the other birds in the bush. Our break-up was inevitable. I never felt like I was myself. I was always trying and failing to be what he wanted, a square peg in a round hole. For years whenever I thought of him afterward, I was so bitter I could taste it. Until I realized that I wasn't as angry with him, as I was furious with myself. How awful to realize that the person I had hated all these years wasn't him, but myself for letting him treat me like nothing. For letting myself believe I was nothing. If we ever would have gotten married, and we certainly discussed it, I would have been miserable. He would have been my bell jar, my ultimate destruction. And it's not that he was a bad person, certainly he was an awful boyfriend to me, but we just weren't a good fit. He's probably married to someone who is outgoing and outspoken, someone who loves to be out and about and can start a conversation with anyone. I'm just glad I escaped that ninth circle of hell.

My second boyfriend was a dream, a raging fire that I let myself be consumed by. I was too young, too, too young to fall so deeply, but I did, head over heels. He was the antithesis of my first boyfriend, in looks and personality, and I clung to him, so tightly, that I'm sure I terrified him. And then, when he suffered a devastating loss, and I was too young and too selfish to help him cope, to open my eyes to his infinite pain, we slowly unraveled. And when we broke-up, my heart was smashed into a million infinite pieces, each smaller than the last, a lifetime of heartbreak clean-up ahead. I would have sold my soul to an eternity of hellfire, traded my pride, my self, hand over fist, to have kept him. But we were a bad match as well. He was relaxed, and my anxiety and unbalance unhinged him. I would have been unhappy in the end. Who wouldn't? My life would have been a tight-rope walk. Only my best self on display at all times.

And then there were the boys in between, boys who loved me, who knew my best and worst self and loved me nonetheless, and for these boys I am always grateful. Even more so that they became my what ifs, because I would have held them back. They would never have been their most amazing selves had it been for me. And I can see that now. How just as we are sometimes never appreciated in our relationships, we often fail to appreciate others in our relationships. To these boys, and I hope they know who they are, I would just like to say what I would love to hear one of my former boyfriends say, "Please forgive me. You were and you are, bright and beautiful and lovely, and I was too much a fool to see it. Thank you for loving me the way that you did. And I wish always for your cup to runneth over."

So that brings me to now, the present day, with J. Someone who is everything I ever wanted and more. Someone who is my love, my comfort, my friend. Someone with whom I've shared the ugliest parts of myself, and who never thinks less of me. Someone who knows how to talk me off the ledge. Someone who appreciates my sense of humor. Someone who always encourages me to be my best self. Someone who only has eyes for me. Someone who knows I am a gift and treats me like one. My someone. My perfect fit. My happily ever after. The love of my life.

Because I do believe, whether it happens sooner or later, our lives and our hearts always end up right where they should be.

Novemberlutions, Week 1

I've done really well this week, despite some major and minor roadblocks that have made me want to bang my head against the wall.

1. HEALTH -I've met my exercise goals this week, even when I haven't really wanted to -it's much more fun to eat candy corn while reading a good book (not that I've ever done that before!)than squeeze into my too tight workout clothes and sweat it out at the gym. I weigh myself everyday, which is super obnoxious, and on Tuesday I weighed 135! Woohoo! But it was only my body tricking me. Stupid trickster! I'll stick to today's weight, which is 137.5. So, it's only a pound. But a pound is a pound, right?

2. FINANCES -Ugh. This has been the toughie. I have not bought myself not one single thing this week. Well, except for this.

It was only $3.99, and it was completely unnecessary, but whatever. I've wanted one since last year's book fair, and it sastified my need to buy something, anything.

And believe me, I have had to fight every urge to shop my sadness and irritability away at the mall, but using mint.com to track my finances, and seeing it all there in black and white, or in my case RED, RED, RED, we are always in the RED, has made it much easier to reign in my shopaholic tendencies. I mean, do I really, really, really need these?No, no, and NO! But they are absolutely BEAUTIFUL!

Anyway, even though I've done really well this week, J's paycheck was nowhere near what we expected, and that was so disappointing it sent me into a tailspin of crying fits. But, I still managed to drive my ass home, instead of the mall. Go me!

This brings me to another issue. Perhaps this should be:

FINANCES PART DEUX -I'm starting to look for a new job, and I might, just might, get a part-time retail job. Let's tackle the new job first. As a teacher, I get paid not much. Yes, I'm good at what I do, I enjoy it, and I get holidays and summers off, but the overwhelming financial concerns would definitely be offset by a higher salary. Moreover, I've been feeling very frustrated at work and have been aching for a change. The truth is, my job is great, but it's not very challenging. So, I'm starting to network, polishing off my resume, and researching staffing and recruiting offices. I realize that these are difficult economic times and that the job market has been experiencing a significant downturn, but I think it would be wise to begin sooner than later, especially when I am already currently employed. I would like to theoretically finish the school year, but if an exciting opportunity comes up, I'm not going to turn it down. About the part-time job, I'd hate to do it, mostly because of my pride, but a girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do. We'll see.

DREAM -I've only written 1000 words, and I'm already stuck as to what to do next. I have an idea, but I think I'm better at writing scenes or vignettes. I'm really struggling with how to string these scenes together. But I'm not giving up. I'm going to write some more today and dedicate tomorrow to getting at least 5000 words in print. :)

So that's it! I'm proud of what I've achieved, and I'm dedicated to accomplishing these goals. It's been a tough week, and I've got three more weeks to go, but I'll see you at the finish line!

Babies, Puppies -You say potAto(Long A), I say potAto(Short A)

These are my puppies. Snoopy is a German shepherd/basset hound mix. He's the good, obedient one. Although he has displayed some regressive behaviors with the introduction of Whitey, a puggle, and our new puppy. Whitey is trouble with a capital T. He's also a licker, which can sometimes be a little gross. Lucy is a beagle mix. She's the oldest of the three, and I'm sure it's only her old age and cranky disposition that cause her to be the quiet one.

It has been brought to my attention that I speak about my dogs, like say, oh a mother would speak of her children. It has been brought to my closer attention that when friends share their stories about their mischievous children, I interject with a story about my own, um, dogs.

I never noticed this until last week. A friend was mentioning how difficult her week had been since her husband was out of town. Her three year old son had managed to lock himself in his bedroom, and while she was trying to ghetto rig him out of there (the old hairpin in the keyhole trick), her one year old son had managed to climb onto the table, and once up on the table, decided to eat the decorative marbles in the flower arrangement. Needless to say, she was exhausted, flustered, and anxious for her husband to return.

Eager to commiserate, I told her what a challenge it is for me when J is out of town, which happens to be every Wednesday night. I told her, and again I was just sharing, that I couldn't control Whitey and Snoopy when J was gone. They spend each Wednesday night tearing around the house, looking for open doors so that they can steal a sock, or a slipper, or a shoe, or a BRA, and start playing with it. I don't know what to do with myself. The neighbors must think I'm an abusive parent because I spend the whole evening shouting at the top of my lungs. Although, I would hope that my neighbors would know that I don't have children yet, and that if I did, Whitey would not be at the top of my baby names list. Anyway, after I shared my story, my other friend S looked at me in utter disbelief and said,

"I love how you compare your dogs to children!"

Oops! I never really noticed, but once she mentioned it, I realized I do it all the time! I love them like real babies! I wouldn't give them up for a million dollars! And, until my human babies come, these will do for now.

Oh, and this is the trouble Whitey got into as I was typing this post. How fun! Let's take everything out of mommy's school bag! That'll be a hoot!

The Horror!

Today I'm having an ugly day. Not just an ugly day, but a "Look away, I'm hideous!" day. My first clue that I looked like I got beat with the ugly stick was when I saw myself in the mirror this afternoon. Quel surprise! My hair looked stringy (I blow-dried it last night!), my face was pale (I put blush on every day!), and my eyes looked as if I hadn't slept in days (I've been sleeping better than ever!). Then, when I went to the gym, I checked myself out again, and I looked WORSE. As if that was even possible! Ugh. Halloween should've been TODAY!

It's so bad that I've been looking at old photos of myself to double-check whether or not I look like this on a regular basis or if I'm just in denial over my hideousness. And even though I am not photogenic, or maybe photogenic is code for "you're not as cute as you think you are", I definitely don't look anywhere near as monster-ific as I do today.

So, what to do, what to do? I think I'll just go up to the tower, ring the bell, and hope that tonight my fairy godmother sprinkles me with some pretty dust. Hell, I'll settle for some not so bad dust at this point!

Novel Idea

1001 words! Only 49,000 more words to go!

Today I was....

• posting some Halloween pics online. I was so worried that my costume was too sexy, but after attending a party overrun by slutty devils and angels and four girls in underwear (maybe not underwear, but underwear-ish), fishnets, crop tops, and hooker heels, I realized I had nothing to worry about.


• signing up for National Novel Writing Month @ nanowrimo.org. I haven't started yet, but what do I have to lose?


• using mint.com to track my finances. Horrifying, but a good eye opener. No more pissing my smackaroonies away willy-nilly. And, it's FREE!


• super excited about Daylight Savings Time. Yay! An extra hour! What a luxury!


• planning to go vote at the public library tomorrow. I've heard that some people have waited over two hours to vote, so I'm taking a good book. The irony of taking a book to the library is not lost on me.


• downloading some songs from itunes. Love that Krazy by Pitbull.

Novemberlutions

This month, I am going to challenge the notion of making resolutions in January by beginning my resolutions two months earlier. I’m not waiting until January -I’m starting TODAY! That’s right! I’m a rebel, a friggin’ maverick, if you will. January is for pussies. If you want to go hardcore, start NOW!

Goodness, I sound a bit nutty, no? Whew! Let me take a deep breath and explain. The only reason I’m starting today is because I’m tired of procrastinating. Because the truth is, there’s always another tomorrow. But I don’t want to put my health, my fiances, or my dreams, on hold any longer.

Screw tomorrow, we’re going carpe diem, baby!

Here are my Novemberlutions:

1. This month, I’m going to participate in the SELF challenge. If you don’t read Self magazine, or if you’re trying to save your pennies by cutting out magazines as a frivolous expense (I am so guilty of this), you can go to selfmag.com and get recipes and exercise routines for FREE. That’s right, F-R-E-E! Plus, if you become a member of the challenge, you can choose your goal and get the tools to help you reach that goal. Want to lose the baby weight? Want to become stronger? Want to lose 8 pounds this month? Sign up, and go all Nike and Just Do IT!

So, I’m committing myself to working out for an hour at least 3x/week and strength training 2x/week. In fact, in order to really stick with it, I’ve decided to post my weight as of this morning. Ugh, are you ready? It's 138.5. I cannot believe I just posted that.

2. Because of recent events, J and I have been struggling a soupcon financially. It’s gotten so bad that I no longer keep track of our expenditures. I’ve been avoiding it, but I'm going to start using it today. I am going to take control.

2.a. As an addendum to this, NO NEW CLOTHES. I have tons of clothes in my closet, some stuff with the tags still on them. I don’t NEED anything else. Plus, if I’m honest with myself, I suffer from adult-onset shopaholism. Okay, so I made that up. But today is the beginning of my 30 day program.

3. But not all my goals are practical.

My biggest dream, wish, hope is to write and publish a novel.

And, I’m in luck. This month is National Novel Writing Month, an annual event sponsored by the Office of Letters and Light, a nonprofit in Oakland, California that challenges participants to write a 50,000 word novel between November 1st and November 30th. Last year over 100,000 people participated. You can sign up and NaNoWriMo.org.

So, that’s me. I’m putting it out there. I’m sharing it with you. I’m giving it to God.

Want to join me? Want to share your dreams with me? Let's do it!