Constant Cravings

It's been an orgy of shopping goodness. Or what the angel perched on my right shoulder likes to call, a complete and total loss of my faculties.

Lately, I've been indulging my shopaholic tendencies under one or the other of the following two principles:

1. Birthday Presents: The plethora of birthday giftcards has been largely exhausted. But you know how dangerous giftcards can be. You mean to buy only enough as your giftcard allows, and in the end, your giftcard only serves as a deposit. Ahem. Guilty.

2. I work like an animal. No, seriously. I do. If you know me, you know that I am doing one of three things. Sleeping. Eating. Working. That's it. So I justify some of my shopping on the fact that I deserve it. For example, on Saturday, while most of you were resting, between Saturday school and tutoring I made $150 extra dollars. Granted, that money is supposed to go to my property taxes that are due at the end of March. But, nonetheless.

So on Sunday, after going to Forever 21 and not finding anything, I figured I was in the clear.

***Snort***

Old Navy, which is usually hit or miss for me (especially since I'm aware everything is going to eventually be marked down to $1 AND I'm super pear-shaped so dresses are a crap shoot), was a goldmine of adorableness. Everything was super fresh and springtastic. Tops and flip-flops in delicious colors. *

Plus, on Monday, thinking that I was Daddy Warbucks, I bought myself a brown leather purse at Dillard's and another yoga DVD**. Um, I haven't even seen the first yoga DVD.

And now, I'm craving these.

These denim leggings are super delish. I've gained beacoup weight, and let's be honest, anything with a button and a waistband that is not made of elastic is torturous. But. I've put myself on a shopping hiatus. I've got to save my dollars for my property taxes. And, again, with all the sleeping, eating, and working, I'm not really going anywhere.

Deep sigh.

But. I do have that Anthropologie giftcard.

*Ironically I put everything on my Gap card because I didn't want to touch my cash. Deep sigh. Two steps forward, one step back.

**To be fair, the second yoga DVD is a fertility, relaxation DVD. And I paid cash for all that.

You Can Be Happy...

where you are. -Joel Osteen



It's just how you choose to perceive your circumstances.


Where I'm at:

• in ridiculous debt,


• not pregnant,


• working four jobs,


• hardly seeing or spending time with J,


• overweight and overexhausted.

Where I'm at:

• taking control of my finances,


• pre-pregnant (one of my friends mentioned this when I told her I hated the word infertility and told her my therapist suggested sub-fertile. But pre-pregnant has a much nicer ring to it.),


• blessed to have so many opportunities to make money,


• appreciating the time I spend with my husband,


• blessed to eat and sleep.

You see? Be your own PR person and spin your situation to your advantage. Because therein lies the truth. Don't listen to your inner Harold*. Know that your past and your present is essential to your future.

Besides, if things didn't occasionally suck, how would we be able to truly appreciate how far we've come?

Enjoy the journey, cookies. You're getting there.

xoxo,

Smart Cookie

*He's a smarmy liar who delights in your sadness. I hate that butthole.

Birthday Wishes

For my birthday, I was blessed to receive a bunch of giftcards from some of my favorite places. Yay for me!

Here's a list of some of my purchases (and some of my intended purchases, as well):

• My cousin C bought me a giftcard from Borders. And instead of buying books ( I have piles of unread books that are giving me mild anxiety because I feel compelled to read them, and I want to read them, but with all the working and eating and sleeping, I'm not finding the time), I bought these two workout DVD's.

Which I'm obviously not doing, because of all the sleeping, working, and eating. But I have all the positive intent in the world.

• My coworkers bought me a giftcard to Forever 21, with which I was able to purchase these lovelies. They were only $16.80 (AND, they come in red, black, or blue), and my coworkers were blown away when I showed them my shoes (which are muchos cuter in person) and told them the cost. They were convinced that they were more expensive.
  
  
• One of my students gave me a $50 Visa giftcard, which I used to buy this dress from Delia's. The practical side of me considered saving it to pay for a therapy or accupuncture session, but the broke fashionista inside me quickly won that argument. :)

• My FF bought me a giftcard to Anthropologie, which has me spinning me wheels with delight. There's an old Cuban tale called, La Cucarachita Martina (Martina the Little Roach), who found some money and then couldn't figure out what to buy. And that's exactly how I feel. Here are some of my very impractical desires.

This bag is $368, and my giftcard is like a drop in the bucket to that ridiculous number, but I love the soft leathery goodness and total laissez-faire attitude that this bag is whispering.

I don't know if it's the way that it's styled (probably) or the fact that I just want to be this effortlessly relaxed senorita (definitely), but I love this top. At $68, I'm not sure it's worth it, though.
This necklace is $48 smackaroonies, which I also think is ridiculous, but it's big while still being delicate, which I totally love. AND it's part of that girl's outfit so, duh, I want it.
This last one is one of my favorites. It's totally me (on the mannequin, anyway). I'm worried that my newly super curvy hip wouldn't work with this dress, but I can't wait to try it on.

• My sister also gave me a giftcard to Macy's, which I haven't even thought about yet. But that's okay. I love the fact that even though money's tight, I've got options.
  xoxo,
  
  
  Smart Cookie

Sometimes...

When God speaks,

Hope in the Lord, and you will not hope in vain:

Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live;
Do not let my hopes be dashed.

Psalm 119:116


All you need to do, is listen.

Just Breathe...

It's funny that I never really thought about breathing until I realized that I wasn't very good at it. Because that's the first thing people tell you to do when you're on the ledge and hyperventilating and wondering what the apex of crazy can possibly be because you feel that each time you couldn't get any crazier, which is of course an illusion, because you know that the next level of crazy is going to be, hands down, bigger and badder than the last.

But I digress.

Last night I went to my first counseling session, which was absolutely lovely and awesome and informative, and really, just what I needed. One of the things I plan to work on is connecting my mind and body.

Which really sounds super easy, no? I mean, it's not like you need to tell your body how to function. But when I spiral into my ninth circle, I feel like my mind is a freight train and my body is in limbo, at the mercy of an out of control lunatic (me, I'm that lunatic).

So. One of my homework assignments is to practice breathing, which, for all that I do it (breathe, that is), takes LOADS of effort. I didn't even realize how shallow my breaths were until I started taking deep breaths, which honestly sometimes leave me out of breath. That's how bad I am at this whole breathing business.

Okay, so here's how it works (in case you were wondering if all your years of automatic breathing have prepared you) Deep breath in (while counting to four to engage my mind and stop the racing thoughts), deep breath out (while still counting to four).

Anyhoodle, last night I was so into breathing while driving that I ran a red light. Like, totally. It wasn't even green when I noticed it.*

I'm supposed to do it before stressful situations, while in a stressful situation, or just to relax. I'm pretty much doing it whenever I remember. In fact, last night I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. But I started breathing and lo and behold -out like a light.

Now if I could just get a baby in this belly. :) But I'm giving it time. For now.

*Note to Self: Breathing should only be done in controlled environments. :)

Decisions, Decisions

I'm feeling much better after my mental breakdown last week. Obviously, because I'm returning way earlier than planned. :) The good news is that I'm going to focus on my mental health, connecting with my body, and being at peace with myself, which I'm really excited about. In this whole (infertility) process, I feel like I've lost myself and my mind, more often than I would like.



Anyhoodle, last week I received a $50 Walmart Visa gift card from one of my students. I have to confess, though, since this student is a bit of stealer, I double-checked that it was valid. Nothing more embarrassing than going to a store and being told, "Um, no dummy. Someone just stole this and gave it to you." That is of course, worst case scenario because it's obviously not good customer service.


So, here are my choices:

At $98, these are the most frivolous, least likely to be worn. But, oh! How I love them!

Loving this seafoam dress from modcloth. I ordered two dresses from their site a few weeks ago, and even though they were pricier than I'm accustomed, I really love them. This dress is $54.99.

I need another pair of shoes like a hole in the head, but I don't have white sandals. And ever since I saw these at Dillards, I made a mental note (and I actually wrote it in my journal so I wouldn't forget!) of them. At $49 smackaroonies, I think they are super cutie.

And finally, this white eyelet dress from Delia's. I'm really struggling with being 34 and knowing that I should probably stop shopping a junior stores, but I'm not ready yet.

So be a lovey and cast your vote.

P.S. Thank you for the lovely notes about my departure. :)

P.P.S. My blog has had a makeover. I found this great site called shabby blogs. It's free and it's totally my speed, totally my style. Check it out.

Missing in Action

I've been missing in action the past month. I've got a bunch of stuff going on in my head and my heart, and I haven't been able to write a cohesive post despite my bestest efforts. I'm thinking of taking a break from blogging (I know, I know -it's been a month. I've already taken a break, but whatever), which I'm sure will cause me to become so inspired that I'll be firing up this blog with posts, but I'm not holding my breath.

In the meantime, here's an update:

• I've gotten so fat. Last year I gained 22 pounds, and that's because I haven't weighed myself since last Wednesday because it could be more, which is terrifying. I don't mind the extra junk in my trunk (even though my butt is like a bag of Ruffles potato chips -full of ridges), but the jelly in my belly has gots to go.
• It's been freezing here. Everyday I wear leggings, pants, socks, boots, a t-shirt, a sweater, a sweater coat, and a scarf. Brutal. I can't wait for it to warm up so that I can go back to my uniform of dresses (none 0f my pants fit) and sandals (because at least my feet haven't gotten fat).
• My birthday was last week, and even though I worked most of the day (I usually get really bad anxiety on my birthday) and was exhausted, I had a really chill evening with my family and friends, and I received lots of presents from my family, friends, coworkers, and students.
• I've always wanted to write a book, but I've never been able to get a successful start. I think it'd be fun to write a memoir, maybe about my shopping addiction or my attempts to get pregnant, or even a children's book titled, The Adventures of Whitey. I'm still thinking.
• Monday is MLK Jr. Day, and I have the day off. I'm thinking of going kayaking if it's warm enough. I need to be out. I miss being glowy and tan and being in the sunshine. I'm in need of some straight up Vitamin D.
• I've decided that this will be my last year of teaching at my current school. It makes me sad because I've become so attached to my students and their families, but I need a better job. I was planning on working with my parents as a backup, but their business has been a little slow, so that's not definite. The good thing is that my check is prorated, so I get paid all the way through mid-August. Plenty of time to figure something out.
• I have an appointment with the psychologist tomorrow. I've got some thoughts in my head that I need to get out to a third-party, someone who doesn't know or love me and is therefore not invested in my life. I've been driving myself and anyone around me who will listen crazy, and I'm just tired.

I think that's it. I'm sure there's more, but I'm at my night job and it's so slow I'm worried I'm going to get my balls busted.