What Hurts the Most....

is getting so close. And other rambity rambles from the recesses of my mind.

1. I've been getting my period for the past twenty-two years like clockwork. In fact, I got my period like a Tampax commercial at a pool party when I was eleven. And very rarely have I ever been late. Ever. Except of course for this past weekend, where I had the heartbreaking misfortune of thinking that I might maybe have been pregnant. And of course, I wasn't. And really, ever since the doctor told me last fall that my chances of getting pregnant were pretty much negligible unless we were counting miracles, I never let myself get too upset. But thinking that I might have been pregnant and realizing that I wasn't, broke me. Broke. Me. I don't think I've cried so hard in years. Because it wasn't the fact that I got my period. It was that I had let myself entertain the hope that maybe I would have a baby and all the good things that would come with it. Cue the violins. No, seriously. Cue the violins. It was bad.
2. Which was made worse (way worse) when I facebooked an old flame and saw a picture of him with his baby (which I did purposely because I accidentally found out he had a baby and I wanted to see if he changed his profile pic). Hello, old flame holding your deliciously adorable baby in a dragon costume. Hello, smart cookie, welcome to your ninth circle.
3. This weekend I ate as if I were going to go into hibernation. Most of it was sadness. And let me tell you, it was brutal. I've been eating relatively well, but when I weighed myself today, I weighed even MORE than my fattest self TWO WEEKS AGO.
4. I have all of Thanksgiving week off! Only nine more workdays -8.5 if you count the fact that next Friday is a half-day. I can't wait. I plan to clean my house and organize my closet, which looks like a mild episode of Hoarders.
5. And the shopping. Oh. My. Word. I need to reign it in. I need to put everything away and assess. I don't even know if I fit in to stuff I bought weeks ago.
6. Which brings me to the following dilemma. I know that I am not fat, per se. However, I keep holding on to the hope that I will lose the weight. And I obviously haven't. Should I get rid of my skinny pants? :(
7. I bought this Argon Hair Oil at Sally Beauty Supply. Supposedly, it's really similar to Moroccan Hair Oil. Anyhoodle, it's really good. My hair had been really dry and my stylist told me I needed to condition it more often. The bottle cost me $9 bucks, and it's awesome. Awesome.
8. The Blind Side. Omg. I never thought that I would be such a sucker for that movie. But I'm falling for it. Hook. Line. Sinker. The best part was that J said he really wanted to see it, too. Good.
9. New Moon comes out next week. I am ashamed at how excited I am. I am even more ashamed that I like that cute little wolf boy. For heaven's sake he's not even LEGAL. But he is adorable. I might have to change my allegiance it's that bad.
10. Got a manicure and pedicure on Saturday in Essie's Bahama Mama. It's the darkest that I've ever done my nails. I also got a massage. Total Deliciousness. Until. Until I went to get the mail and my massage oil feet slipped out from under me AND I TOTALLY ATE THE PAVEMENT. Oh, and I also scratched my pedicure. Thank the good Lord no one saw me eat concrete. .
11. La, la, la. That's it for now.

If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands

Clap, Clap!

Oh, cookies. As someone who is prone to pessimism and is only occasionally cautiously optimistic, things have been going... oh, my word! Do I dare say it? They've been going really well! And I'm terrified, TERRIFIED, that this is just the initial calm before the storm, and that within the next few days I can expect my dryer to break or my dogs to get sick or to get my period (to be honest, I'm feeling period-ish so that won't be such a huge surprise or downer).

Because all the other things? They're just spanky!

1. My job. Love it. Love it. Love it. My kids are awesome. I no longer have the class from hell OR THEIR PARENTS. My schedule is a breeze. I no longer have to stay late to get my work done because I've saved all my lesson plans on WORD and I just have to cut and paste and add some new activities. Easy peasy.
2. Mrs. LeDouchetard's comeuppance. Ooooooh, yes! It happened! My principal recommended me for a tutoring opportunity, and I met with the parent (who loved me, LOVED me) this morning. As the parent was leaving, she saw Mrs. LeDouchetard and said, "Oh, I have to thank Mrs. LeDouchetard. I spoke to her on Monday and she said she had an elementary teacher in mind for this opportunity, AND I'M SURE IT HAD TO BE YOU!" Ha! Right! Like she would EVER recommend me for anything. Oh, I wish I could've seen her face when the parent told her it would be ME! I later found out Mrs. LeDouchetard was planning to recommend my work BFF, S, but my principal (THE PRINCIPAL) recommended me because I have previous middle school experience. Thank you, Jesus! You have a hilarious sense of humor -and timing! And it's true what the Bible says about revenge -God will take care of it. Amen, cookies. Amen.
3. This tutoring, which starts in December, will mean some more income, and it means that I am for shizzle getting a cleaning lady! Yay, yay, yay!
4. I'm going to church again. I've gone for the past four weeks and I love it. It's pretty close by, and the service is AMAZING. I usually don't like to talk about religion, but going to church has really made me feel better, so I'm grateful for that.
5. I have been exercising! Yes, yes I have. I only went twice last week, and so far I've only gone twice this week, but that's definitely progress, right? That's way more than I've gone in the last four months!

Now if you're sick of all this dumb happiness, here are some pebbles in my shoe that might make you giggle.

1. On Saturday I went to the grocery store while starving. Bad, bad move. I was bewitched by a Krispy Kreme six pack and bought it. I then proceeded to eat four donuts on the five minute drive from the store to my house. And, I only ate four because my mom called me, and I didn't want to chew and talk at the same time. If not, I for sure could've eaten five, and in the past, I've been known to come home with an empty box. :)
2. After Saturday school, I went to the mall. I really hate fall fashions. It's all lumber jack -y and warm and it's fricking 90 degrees here! Anyhoodle, I found some really cute stuff at the Gap and went to pay. I had them look up my Gap card, which I only let myself use because I pay the balance in full every month, and the salesclerk said my card had been DENIED. Um, MORTIFICATION. I told her that it was IMPOSSIBLE, and that she needed to run that shit again. She then goes into a very condescending speech about if I've made a payment it might take a couple of days to process, blah, blah, blah, and I said listen, I owe x dollars for this month. My limit is 10x. RUN IT AGAIN. And, duh, it totally went through. Of course, not before I prayed for the earth to swallow me whole and all.

K, cookies. That's it for now. Remember, keep calm and carry on.

xoxo