Some People Are Just Buttholes....

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Cookies, this is a super important lesson to learn. And apparently, I have yet to learn it because as a super sensitive, highly emotional drama queen, Jesus is finding the need to put mega douchetards who behave horribly and rudely toward me, for no damn good reason, in my path over and over and over again. So I'm thinking I haven't learned it yet -duh, because it still affects me like a mofo every single time.

I haven't written about the LeDouchetards for several months. We had achieved a relatively peaceful detente, and life had progressed a little less bitterly. Today was the last day of school, and I received several gifts from my little ones, but no gift -not even a card, from the usual suspect. Before I continue, please let me make it clear that I expect nothing from my students, but I appreciate everything, no matter how big or small. I was hurt by that obvious oversight (especially when I remembered that the LeDouchetards had bought a birthday present for the friggin' cafeteria lady, but whatever), but it really wasn't unexpected.

What was unexpected was this:

During our class party this morning (which was a super cool glow in the dark party), the students had McDonald's for lunch. As we were eating, Mrs. LeDouchetard asked the other teacher in the room and another mother what they would like to drink. She didn't ask me, but I assumed it was because she knew what I would like.

Well, this bitch came back with a soda for every adult in the room. Except for me.

Burn.

I felt like I had physically been slapped. I was so angry, I began to shake. One of the adults noticed this blatant rudeness and offered me her drink, but I declined and told her I had left my drink in my classroom. The urge to cry was at the surface, not out of sadness, but out of fury.

Again, it shouldn't have surprised me. But it did. And I'm angry about it.

I did do something in my own passive aggressive way, which I feel a smidge badly about. I gave each child a large thank you card, thanking them for the gifts they had given me throughout the year and detailing all the things I loved about them and how much I enjoyed being their teacher. The son of the LeDouchetards didn't get a card. Obviously. The only thing that makes me feel badly is that technically it's not his fault. But. But I did it anyway.

And since all my kids parents are tight, as soon as those kids got to the parking lot, they started waving their cards in Mrs. LeDouchetard's face. Good.

Just because she's a butthole, doesn't mean I have to be a butthole. I don't want to be a butthole. Really, I don't.

But.

But don't push me. Because when push comes to shove, this cookie can be your worst nightmare.

Carry on.

Because I'm Paranoid

Hot damn! I'm removing all my posts (at least the most recent, most blatantly obvious) about the LeDouchetards. I've got some incriminating smack, and even though I write under a pseudonym, I don't want this shizz to come back and bite me on my heiny.


So if you read it, good. And if you didn't, no big. Happier times are ahead, my friends. Happier times. :)

Because I AM SO UPSET!

and buying myself things is the only thing that makes me happy (besides Joe, but I can't carry him like a handbag or wear him like a pair of earrings).

This purse is $89.99 and is available at Fashion Flairs. Lately, I'm loving the color purple. I like it lots. But I don't LOVE it. I guess you could say, "I'm just not that into you (it)." These two pairs of Juicy Couture earrings are so beautiful! I have a horrible confession to make. I set my Macys card on fire last week and I bought this bracelet. It's even more beautiful in person, and I know I'll be wearing it often. Hell, for that price I better be sleeping in it. Anyhoodle, I'm still deeply enamoured with the Juicy Couture spring line. I'm especially loving the daisy earrings.

I've been stalking this handbag for the last three days. I visit it every time I log on, kinda like a puppy in the window of a pet store. It has a little bit of a retro feel to it. It's $58 smackaroonies, and I'm thinking I can get it if I allocate this week's tutoring salary toward it.

I tutor a fifth grader once a week for a cool $45. It's one hour, and it enables me to get a manicure/pedicure or go to Forever 21 or buy myself random stuff at Walgreens without any guilt.

So. This week, I have a feeling it's between the bag and the daisy earrings. Let me know, what's your vote?

And by the way, thank you, Mrs. LeDouchetard. Not only am I skinnier than your fat ass, but I'm also going to look way cuter. Put that in your fat ass and smoke it.

Shopping My Feelings Away

Friday was a bad day. Although it was the last day of school before Christmas break, and you would expect me to be thrilled and over the moon, I was blue. And it all had to do with the presents I received from my students, which pretty much sucked. Now, before you get all up in arms shouting, "We are in a recession you greedy cookie! How dare you want more from your students' parents! Do you not know they pay a pretty penny for private school education and on top of THAT they are Santa Claus?!" Let me just say that I don't expect my students to bring me expensive gifts, even though I have gotten some pricey gifts in years past -Chanel perfume, Swarovksi crystal, Montblanc pen, blah, blah, blah.

But I WOULD have liked to have been given gifts, no matter how small, that let me know that the parents appreciate me and what I do for their child, rather than gifts that made me feel like an afterthought, or my favorite, a glorified, overpaid (ha!) babysitter. Hell, I would've been happy with a $5 Starbucks giftcard and a lovely handwritten note. But, NO! Out of seven kids, I got three boxes of chocolates (one with a stuffed animal -don't even get me started), a shirt, a candle, and a basket of crackers and cheeses (this one was actually quite nice).

And to add insult to injury, I had given each of my kids a set of reindeer antlers and made each one a personalized stocking, which I filled with candy, pencils, and erasers. And the ONE kid who did not even bring me a present, the son of Mr. & Mrs. LeDouchetard, had the NERVE to say, "Candy?! That's all we get?" If I tell you that I had to physically restrain myself, I would not be exaggerating.

So after school, I went to my favorite discount-ish shops -Marshall's, Nine West Outlet, Kirkland's, and New York & Co. to shop away my very hurt and unappreciated self. And as I shopped, I could not help looking at tons of gifts under $10 and thinking, I would've loved to have gotten that! That is so cute! That looks just like something I would love. Despite great deals, nothing really worked for me, and I only spent $16 at Kirkland's on a sign and two really pretty crosses (one to keep on hand as an emergency gift). And then, I went to Ulta. I was committed to buying some make-up.

Now, let me just say that I am all about drugstore make-up. Drugstore make-up is like the Forever 21 of makeup, and has likewise ruined me for expensive makeup. But, like I said, I was sad and I was determined. As I was perusing the Smashbox aisle, the SB rep. asked if I'd like a makeover. Bored, sad, and with nowhere to go, I said sure. She asked me what I wanted to learn, and I told her I wanted to learn how to look as if I have flawless skin. Oily, acne-prone, and with ginormous pores, that is always my biggest concern. So she started and she rubbed a bunch of stuff on my face, and it really felt lovely, and she explained everything. And when I saw myself in the mirror, my skin really did look better.

BUT I WAS WEARING A POUND OF MAKE-UP. She had applied with a Kabuki brush, and let's just say Kabuki was an apt term. It was caked on. It was an inch thick and settled into all my fine lines. When I smiled I could feel flakes cascading down my face. I was super self-conscious, and she had spent so much time with me, I was definitely going to buy SOMETHING. So despite the fact that I was wearing a MASK, I bought these:

Not in this palette, though. The one I bought is a pink palette and it's so beautifully packaged that it is almost too beautiful to use.

This is awesome for shine control. One of my students a couple of years back said, "Mrs. Smart Cookie, you are the shiny-est teacher I've ever had!"

It was pretty embarrassing walking throughout the store in my drag queen makeup, but since Ulta is a 20 minute drive from my chez, and therefore not a place I frequent often, I wanted to get the full experience. I've started incorporating some of the new products into my look, and I have to say, I do heart it. Or, it could just be that I'm so grateful to be on vacation and away from the seven minions of chaos and insanity that my skin is just mother cluckin' glowing. Whatever. I'll take it.