Pack It Up

I'm in a little bit of a funk right now. A little overwhelmed with my life, specifically our financial situation.

I'd like to pack it all up, sell it, and get the hell out of dodge.

But I know that that's not the answer.

What prompted this little meltdown? We were blessed enough to come into a wee bit of money, and it has to go toward debt. On the one hand, I'm grateful that I have this extra bit of moola to put toward our bills. On the other hand, I'm frustrated that our previous financial missteps don't allow us to enjoy this little windfall.

J and I have been in an unfortunate cycle over the last three and a half years. A BIG part of it is circumstantial -job losses (hello, four months of being unemployed), lower incomes, blah, blah, blah. But part of it is a result of "violent spending". That's a direct quote from J. Now, we're not popping bottles of Cristal or buying flat-screen T.V.'s, but every little bit adds up. I completely accept full responsibility for the financial decisions that put us where we are today.

But, cookies? It sucks. We're in a holding pattern. It's not that I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just that at this point, the light is a teeny, tiny sliver of light that I really have to squint to see.

I'm trying to slowly implement some of the strategies advocated by FB, and I'm also getting this book.

And I've applied to both Kaplan and the Princeton Review to see if I can get a part-time job as an S.A.T. or GRE tutor. Working for either of these two companies would be great because the money would be worth it ($17 - $25/hour, which I think is awesome for part-time work) and the hours are flexibile, mostly nights or weekends. Getting a job and then working 10 hours/week would be a huge help, and it would still allow me to maintain my current job.

Deep sigh. I just want things to change.

Lady of Leisure

I am totally loving being on spring break and being a self-proclaimed lady of leisure.

Let's list the PROS:

*My house is clean! No, really! You could come over without calling, and I wouldn't have to ask you to wait outside for 30 minutes while I swept, mopped, and tidied! YOU COULD COME OVER UNANNOUNCED!

*I make dinner every night. And nothing that's prepackaged either! No Lean Cuisine, or sandwich, or cereal! Real food. And vegetables. EVERY night.

*I'm eating better. Goodness! I thought being at home all day would send me into a cookie/candy/ice cream eating tizzy. But no! I've been eating every 2-3 hourse, and I've lost weight. I'm sure it's just water weight, but let me tell you this: I weighed 134 on Monday, AND TODAY I WEIGHED 130.5! It might be because I'm getting my period. I know it doesn't really make sense, but I always feel that my body goes into overdrive, burning ridiculous calories as it prepares to shed my uterine lining.

*I can exercise. Because I'm not tired all the damn time! And I have no excuses. Because I've got ALL DAY!

*I can run all my errands on my own time. I don't have to rush after school or during the weekend. I've got all the time in the world, cookies. No hurries, no worries. Nice.

*I'm relaxed. Well, shucks! How could I not be? But I definitely had to mention it as a PRO.

Now for the major suck-olas:

*I might get a bit lazy. Today there was a Season 2 Joan of Arcadia marathon on the SciFi channel, and I totally would've watched it (if I didn't need to get my nails done or work on my tan -I'm not entirely kidding).

*The shopping ban has prevented me from spending copious amounts of money, but if I were doing this whole business without Lent saving me from my self, I'd probably be dropping dollars.

*Unless other people are off, it can get a little boring. No one to play with and all.

*Oh, yeah, AND BECAUSE I NEED TO WORK OR WE WOULD BE LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Hmmf. So the CONS definitely make me a little sad-face. Well, only the last one really. But I've really enjoyed my spring break.

And maybe someday....

Spring Cleaning

Despite my overwhelming emotional ugliness, I have begun spring cleaning my petit chez. I'm totally loving cleaning and dusting and straightening my cabinets and drawers. It's been cathartic, and even though I'm far from done, I've made some great progress.

I'm almost done with the kitchen and family room -I still have one cabinet and four drawers (Gosh, that sounds like a lot!) and then I can move on to the other common areas, which thankfully do not have any cabinets or drawers.

To be fair, I've been moving stuff around. Like, um, some of the mess in the family room (which looks fantastic!) was my clothes (I have a messy habit of undressing in the family room -hey, I've gotten fatter, my clothes are very binding), and I just moved them to the living room. Plus, there are two loads of laundry in the living room waiting to be folded (my mother and my mother-in-law would die, DIE, if they came over).

I really feel like a messy space can wreak havoc on your emotional state. And duh, since my emotional state is so precarious to begin with, and my house is most definitely messy, I think it's a dangerous combination.

I'm hoping to do a little bit every day, maybe a room or two so that I don't get overwhelmed. My bathroom is a bacteria infested germ-hole which will definitely take one day. And I'll definitely post pictures of the beauty when I'm done.

The Green-Eyed Monster

I am an uber competitive person. Trust me, I was pissed when my mother told me she loved my brother, my sister and me ALL THE SAME.

Why?

I felt that as the oldest, I put in way more time helping out, being a shoulder to cry on, a sympathetic ear, blah, blah, blah.

And to be honest, that's just the way I naturally am. I'm a HUGE people pleaser. But I think part of being a huge people pleaser is expecting to please people. Duh. And if I please people, my twisted logic is that they should love me more. Stupid, unrealistic. Cookies, I've been to therapy over this.

Anyhoodle, I have to work really hard to beat this demon down when he rears his ugly, little head.

Literally, talk myself off the ledge.

Like, when I find out someone's pregnant. AGAIN. Or someone gets a really great gift. Or someone tells me they have a maid. The list could go on and on and basically has anything that anyone has that I don't on it.

The only reason I'm sharing this (because this emotion is so ugly) is because I hope that by writing it down, I can purge some of the hideousness that is lodged like a lump in my throat and has made me cry like a little bitch most of the day.

I'm trying to put on my big girl panties, cookies. But it's hard.

Want to tell me your ugly, little secret? It'll make me feel better.

Can You Spare Some Change?

Hi! So. If you know me at all, you know that I hate change. Me and change are like carrots and chocolate. We just don't mix. But let me tell you how I really feel about it, right?

One time J came grocery shopping with me and he wanted to start shopping in the produce section instead of the dairy aisle. Um, no. We always start in the dairy aisle. Always. I can't handle change. My brain just doesn't work like that.

Anyhoodle, I put up a major fuss, and to shut me the hell up, we bought our groceries just like God and nature intended -by starting in the dairy aisle.

So when all the elementary teachers were called into an informal meeting with our principal, and she prefaced by saying her decision would only affect S, the third grade teacher, and me, and that she hoped we would accept what she was about to tell us because we really had no choice, I began to panic.

Here's the 411. Because of the low enrollment, the principal has had to make some tough decisions. For shizzle, cookies, the only thought racing through my brain was that they were going to pack my bags and send my ass to high school p -ronto.

But back to the story. The administration has decided to combine second and third grade, and they have decided that S is going to teach this combination class. Oh, yes. But what about moi?

And, I?

I would be moved to fifth grade.

Hmmmm. Let's think about this.

I'm not so bothered. It's a new curriculum, duh. More advanced material, yay! My devil class from two years ago, hmmm. But all in all, I'm kinda excited.

I was feeling really burnt out. Mr. & Mrs. LeDouchetard made my year a misery, and although my class only has seven students, they are always fighting and arguing with each other. More than usual, cookies. More than anyone should have to stand, to be honest.

I was stuck in a rut. I was bored and unchallenged. And if I'm honest, I've been phoning it in for the last few months.

So that's it. I hate change.

But this? I'm really feeling it.

Yay for me!