What Hurts the Most....

is getting so close. And other rambity rambles from the recesses of my mind.

1. I've been getting my period for the past twenty-two years like clockwork. In fact, I got my period like a Tampax commercial at a pool party when I was eleven. And very rarely have I ever been late. Ever. Except of course for this past weekend, where I had the heartbreaking misfortune of thinking that I might maybe have been pregnant. And of course, I wasn't. And really, ever since the doctor told me last fall that my chances of getting pregnant were pretty much negligible unless we were counting miracles, I never let myself get too upset. But thinking that I might have been pregnant and realizing that I wasn't, broke me. Broke. Me. I don't think I've cried so hard in years. Because it wasn't the fact that I got my period. It was that I had let myself entertain the hope that maybe I would have a baby and all the good things that would come with it. Cue the violins. No, seriously. Cue the violins. It was bad.
2. Which was made worse (way worse) when I facebooked an old flame and saw a picture of him with his baby (which I did purposely because I accidentally found out he had a baby and I wanted to see if he changed his profile pic). Hello, old flame holding your deliciously adorable baby in a dragon costume. Hello, smart cookie, welcome to your ninth circle.
3. This weekend I ate as if I were going to go into hibernation. Most of it was sadness. And let me tell you, it was brutal. I've been eating relatively well, but when I weighed myself today, I weighed even MORE than my fattest self TWO WEEKS AGO.
4. I have all of Thanksgiving week off! Only nine more workdays -8.5 if you count the fact that next Friday is a half-day. I can't wait. I plan to clean my house and organize my closet, which looks like a mild episode of Hoarders.
5. And the shopping. Oh. My. Word. I need to reign it in. I need to put everything away and assess. I don't even know if I fit in to stuff I bought weeks ago.
6. Which brings me to the following dilemma. I know that I am not fat, per se. However, I keep holding on to the hope that I will lose the weight. And I obviously haven't. Should I get rid of my skinny pants? :(
7. I bought this Argon Hair Oil at Sally Beauty Supply. Supposedly, it's really similar to Moroccan Hair Oil. Anyhoodle, it's really good. My hair had been really dry and my stylist told me I needed to condition it more often. The bottle cost me $9 bucks, and it's awesome. Awesome.
8. The Blind Side. Omg. I never thought that I would be such a sucker for that movie. But I'm falling for it. Hook. Line. Sinker. The best part was that J said he really wanted to see it, too. Good.
9. New Moon comes out next week. I am ashamed at how excited I am. I am even more ashamed that I like that cute little wolf boy. For heaven's sake he's not even LEGAL. But he is adorable. I might have to change my allegiance it's that bad.
10. Got a manicure and pedicure on Saturday in Essie's Bahama Mama. It's the darkest that I've ever done my nails. I also got a massage. Total Deliciousness. Until. Until I went to get the mail and my massage oil feet slipped out from under me AND I TOTALLY ATE THE PAVEMENT. Oh, and I also scratched my pedicure. Thank the good Lord no one saw me eat concrete. .
11. La, la, la. That's it for now.

I've Decided Against Sticking My Head in the Oven

1. I am feeling so much better than I was on Monday. I received muchos love from y'all, my cookies in the blogosphere, my new (old) friends, and a beautiful letter from my BFC (best favorite cousin -I know, my cousin is an attorney and I'm a teacher and we speak like four year olds) titled, "Love for my BFC".

I made a doctor's appointment for the week that we return from the Dominican Republic (yay!) for my annual check-up and to beg, I mean threaten, um ask? for anti-anxiety pills. Because I think I have a problem, and the responsible thing is to take care of it. J is worried, of course. He thinks that I should be able to manage my anxiety, to which I responded,

"For the love of all that's good and holy -do you not know me at all?"

Hopefully I'll get the kind that make me skinny. Just kidding. Kinda. :)

2. I eat alot. That's no secret. On Monday, in a fit of self-loathing, I ate six donuts in the five minute drive from the grocery store to my house. I've gained 10 pounds in the last year and a half. I will concede that five of those pounds were necessary, because I did look like a bobblehead, but the other five are completely excess baggage. I'm trying to reconcile the fact that I will NEVER fit into some of my old pants and that that may not be a bad thing.

Anyhoodle, I have to be on the pill for six weeks, and I'm telling you cookies, I was a piglet before, but these pills are making me a full-blown hog. I used to take them in the morning (one day I ate breakfast @ 8, snack @10:30, snack @ 11, snack @12, and then lunch (finally!) at 1), and I swear all I thought about was food. So now, I'm taking my pills at night. I started that yesterday, and I can already feel a difference.

3. Last night I saw The Proposal with my girlfriends. I had a great time with the girls(I'm hearting you guys!), and the movie was hilarious! Super cute, super charming, super worth it.

4. We're leaving for the Domincan Republic on Sunday. It's going to be our first real vacation in six years. We're both looking forward to days of lounging in the sun, cocktail in hand, loving each other.

5. I'm not going to see a psychic. I've realized that I have to stop being so controlling. The more I try to control my life, the more it spirals out of control. Okay, God, I get it. Stop hitting me over the head with this lesson.

6. You'll notice there are some Google Ads on the site. OMG. So funny. How is it that there are ads for Men's Lingerie and Men's Heels? Say what? Click on them and let me know if it's full out crazy.

Rocky is a Prophet....

and a lot of other random stuff I think you should know.

The other night, J was watching Rocky VI, and because I love J and wanted to spend time with him, I was watching it, too. It was actually a pretty good movie. I mean, nothing I'd pay to see in the movies, but I'd definitely watch it again on TV. Anyhoodle, there's this scene where Rocky is talking to his son (the super delicious Milo Veng-whatever, my secret boyfriend) and he says this:

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine
and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough
you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you
let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about
how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and
keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward.
That's how winning is done!

This is my new mantra. I love it. Love. It.

Shopping Ban. You are hereby reinstated. I am back on the wagon. Oh, lordy I went on a bender, and I cannot stand myself. I'm hoping to make it to July 19th. The day before the day before my surgery. I am counting on God and y'all to keep me accountable. And maybe on vacation. J and I are going to the Dominican Republic, but I doubt I'll buy anything there. We'll see. K. So no buying stuff in the United States before July 19th.

Look at these shoes. Oh. My. Word. I. Want. Them.

These are the only things I will give myself permission to buy during the aforementioned shopping ban. Because they are BEAUTIFUL.

You know how last week I was feeling all panic-y and anxiety-ish and miserable? Well. I started exercising again, not to lose weight, mind you, just for the express purpose of knocking my ass out so that I could sleep. And, oh how it has worked! I have been sleeping like a log! A log I tell you. Now I don't want to lie to you, I am hoping to lose some poundage, but I'm not weighing myself obsessively and I still exercise even if when I do weigh myself my weight is higher that I'd like. Because sleep? Ooooooh, it's sooooooo good.

Because of the surgery that I have to have, I have to be on the pill. I haven't been on the pill in like, six years? Maybe seven? Anyhoodle, yesterday I went to the pharmacy to pick up my pills and FML, do you know how expensive birth control is? Forty effing dollars! Shut your mouth and say it isn't so! I about had a heart attack. And then today, when I took my first pill, I almost died when I read the side effects. Okay, so you won't have a baby, but you could gain weight (oh the irony!), get blood clots, get cancer, have dry eyeballs, blah, blah, blah. Oh, really? Great.

Snoopy, the other love of my life, is shedding chunks of hair. Like, I don't even need to brush him, because when I do brush him, he can't sit still and is looking at me and thinking:

Mommy, are we gonna play with that thing? Are you gonna throw it? Do I just have to grab it out of your hand? No? How about if I move to my left? To my right? How about if I just look at you? Are you almost done?

I can just grab the tufts of hair from his body. And. It. Never. Stops. Ever. Never.

I'm looking forward to oodles of fun this weekend! J and I are going to spend the day at the pool and then maybe go to the movies tomorrow. And Sunday, J is going away on business (boo! hiss! I'll miss him so much, but I'm a loner, and I can handle being by myself), and after I drop him off at the airport, I'm going to spend the day with some friends at the spa. That's right, cookies! One of my friends actually lives at the Canyon Ranch Hotel in Miami Beach. Mr. Moneybags has invited me and some other old school friends to be his guests and I. Can't. Wait.

Plus, tomorrow we find out who the winner of my surprise giveaway is! Can you handle it?

Random-ity Randomness

• Today I went to the fertility specialist. It was just a follow-up visit, so that he could tell me what course of action we'd be taking. I have to have surgery to have a polyp removed, and while he's doing that surgery, he might as well do a laproscopy as well. Okay, then. So he's telling me about the surgery, and he's freaking me the frig out. I knew I'd have to be under, but I didn't know that while I was under, they'd have to put a TUBE DOWN MY THROAT TO MAKE SURE I WOULD KEEP BREATHING. You know, just in case I STOPPED BREATHING. Wtf? Really? I started crying just thinking about it. Anyway, after a routine ultrasound, my doctor's chatting with me, and then he says this, which was so funny, "Okay, so you'll call me when you get your period and then we'll start you on birth control. Or, you may not call me, you know? Your body might be so freaked out by the surgery that you might produce a SUPER EGG, get pregnant, and not have to have the surgery." Oh. My. Word. LMFAO.


• Weighed my self on a hospital scale and I weighed 134.4. Good. Not great. But better than I expected.


• Tomorrow I'm going to Marshall's to buy J a Hawaiian shirt for my cousin C's 30th birthday party luau. Apparently, there's going to be costume nazi, patrolling the party. But I don't care. I'm not wearing a grass skirt and coconuts.


• Lately I've been eating spaghetti. Delicious. My in-laws make fresh sauce -eh, but I like Ragu. Which is an abomination to them. :)


• My grandmother is finally home after having been in the hospital for two weeks. And, read this. She is SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN. She's been threatening to die, which I totally understand because the medicine she's on makes her dizzy and nauseous. Imagine being permanently hung over. According to my uncle, when she woke up on Monday, she asked him if she was in heaven. When he said no, she got pissed and refused to speak to him. Hmmmm. Wonder if it's genetic?


• School is OVER! Yay for me. And, even though the paycut is still hurting, when I did the math, I realized that I had gotten a bonus this year for having all of my certifications. Well, since that money was "new" money, and I'd never had it, if I subtract that amount from what's being deducted, it's a little less devastating.


• I finally figured it out. I am Bethenny and Mrs. LeDoucetard is Kelly. Totally.


• Tomorrow's goals -workout, clean house -which I LOATHE, and visit my nana.


• Could I BE any more boring?

Confessions of a Rambling Mind....

1. Bitch, is getting FAT. I am not weighing myself until Monday. And then the shizz will start for reals. My birthday is in two days. Who am I kidding? I'm going to be eating cake. And lots of it.

2. The bikini obssession has gone too far when J (J! Who never comments about my shopping!) tells me I don't need any more bathing suits. I'm sorry Victoria's Secret. Until next time.

3. Speaking of Victoria's Secret, this little cute set I ordered did not make my boobs look like this, it made my boobs look like this. And my boobs are teeny. A cup. B cup when I'm heavier. But I loved the panties. So only the bra, poorly made and completely unflattering (fb you were soooo right!) will make the trip back to Ohio.

4. And I ordered this dress, and then when it arrived, I realized that I already had a similar dress, but without the sleeves. Too similar to keep. Boo! Hiss!

5. Only one more day of work and then my birthday weekend begins! 33. Just like Jesus.

6. I read Breaking Dawn, and as a harcore Twilight fan, eh. Not so much.

7. Don't you hate it when you go to the mall, and something catches your eye, but you don't try it on, and then you spend days thinking about it and planning your outfits around it, and then you go back to the store to try on said items, and they are, eh, but you consider getting a second opinion, but the store does not allow returns, and you didn't like it THAT much, but then again, you were wearing a cami and not a bra, so really how could you know for sure? Ugh.

8. And I still want these shoes, and I sometimes whisper to myself, maybe, maybe for my birthday, but I refuse, I REFUSE SHOES! Stop calling me! It would never work! The flats win -they ALWAYS win.

10. Resolutions? Well, I guess to break them, you have to actually start them. So, I guess I'm doing pretty well. Can't lose if you don't start. Or, um something like that.

Random Ramblings

Today I was:

• done with school! At least for one whole week! Sayonara suckers! I'm giddy with all the possibilities!



• excited to see Clinton Kelly for the third time! Stalker, much? I already have my outfit planned, and I'm even happier because I get to go with an old friend I haven't seen in years. Yay!



• super pms-y. If I could have NACHOS, my food of choice on IV, I soooo would. Yo quiero Taco Bell. No joke. Yo quiero Taco Bell.
  
• thinking about a distant, maybe, future job opportunity. I have a friend who's a Mr. Big Shot at a pharmaceutical company and he's willing to put me through boot camp so that if a job were to come up, I'd be ready.


• planning my new wardrobe for my non-existent job. I'm thinking classy shift dresses in neutral colors. I LOVE this look. I'm already compiling a wish list. So like me. The first thing I think about is the clothes. :)

• dreading writing my Novemberlutions update for tomorrow. Three Words. Off the wagon. I can't even see the wagon. That's how far I've fallen off.


• dreading going for a run, but with all the nachos, I have no choice.